God I know I’m wrong not to do this. I mean, I know I’m wrong!

I absolutely love the Sham Wow Infomercial. The guy that’s selling the towels (his name’s Fish, right? I mean doesn’t he say, Hi, Fish here for Sham Wow….) Who is this guy? Is he like the greatest unknown salesman in history or what? He looks great with the microphone/headset that has no purpose-except to look great that is. He’s constantly talking, pattering away as he cleans up gargantuan messes that would send me from the room screaming bloody murder on the heads of my kids. Coke on the carpet? No Prob! Just Sham Wow the Hell out of it and bingo, it’s even soaked up what’s underneath the carpet. Never mind that there’s not any foam backing under it-I mean- it’ll no doubt take care of that too! And laundry, just think about it! With all the water this baby soaks up you could do your laundry and drying in the same machine! Just throw in your clothes and a Sham Wow and Bam! the clothes get washed, the Sham Wow soaks up all the water and you got dry duds!

And what about the testimonies? All these down to earth everyday people telling me they wouldn’t go anywhere without their Shams! They use it on cars, bathrooms, carpets, and volcanic messes to name a few. And the Damn things are even color coded so I know which goes where. Tired of accidentally cleaning the kitchen counter with the rag you just used on the toilet? Don’t freak! Sham Wow it! This towel can go anywhere, do anything, be cut to any size you can imagine needing. I mean, When this comes on the tube I usually have to nail my right hand to the coffee table to keep from reaching for my wallet. So, there I am; Fish talking and wiping and me weeping with my hand nailed to the coffee table and…..Why don’t I buy it you ask?

Well, I know that I would lose them. I know, I know but I would. My kids would need them for football, or my dog would need it to play with, or I would confuse it with a million other shop rags already in my garage and throw it away. They would get flushed down the toilet or “borrowed” by friends, left in the yard after mowing or just generally wind up where all those missing socks went. And then, would two be enough? Wouldn’t I need to buy like, 20 of them to be effective in all areas of my life? I mean there’s the bathroom, the laundry room, the garage, the car, the coke stains on the carpet and the volcanoes just to mention a few. So, now it just doesn’t look like a good deal to me anymore. Now, instead of 19.95 I need closer to one hundred dollars to make this thing work for me. And as I lose them and misplace them I would have to buy more. I would be like a gambling addict, always going back for more. My job would be in jeopardy as I waited around the clock for the next Sham Wow ad. My bank account would dry up and then my car would be repossessed. Soon, the banker would foreclose and I’d be sleeping on the streets in the cold, covering my shivering body with the remaining Sham Wows I had left.

And then there’s Fish. I mean, I could never handle a Sham Wow with a Kung Fu grip like that guy does. It blows my mind how effortlessly he wields this little jewel. Size difference? No Prob, Fish can handle it. Color difference? This guy ain’t color blind either. Watch him as he’s pulling up that coke with two hands and talking at the same time! Shoot, I can’t chew gum and walk. I would need years at the feet of the Sham Wow Master just to get in the same league with him. So, I carry my shame secretly and don’t buy the Sham Wow.

Fortunately, the infomercial is on less often these days. This is fortunate for two reasons: I don’t have withdrawal as often and I’m running out of nails. Sham Wow is the towel of the 21st century. It can soak all the water out of a child’s pool and still get that soda under the carpet-but I can’t buy it. I just can’t. I know I’m wrong not to do this. I mean, I know I’m wrong!