The Silent Suffering of Parent Abuse: When Children Abuse Parents
82What is Parent Abuse?
We have all heard of child abuse and how children are damaged by this terrible behaviour and you only have to Google "Child Abuse" to find page after page of information, support groups and advice on this subject, but, how many people have heard of parent abuse? Especially at the hands of teenage children with serious social interaction and violence issues? Google it. You wont find much, except on a few support sites.
Its a growing problem for parents who share their home with abusive young people and ther is virtually no support.
Spotting the Signs of Parent Abuse
Parent Abuse is a form of domestic abuse and is a serious problem which results in physical harm, depression, damage to property, job loss, and family breakdown. It is usually perpetrated by a child in their teens displaying the following behaviour towards you and members of your family. Signs include:
- Threats of and/or physical violence including hitting, punching, kicking, pushing, slapping, biting, hair pulling with or without weapons or objects used as weapons.
- Swearing and name calling
- Intimidation
- A constant refusal to do as been asked ( going to bed, coming home, asking friends to leave, cleaning up after them selves, not attending school/college/work) or contribute to the household or participate in normal family activities.
- Bullying by text or phone
- Stealing money or property or misuse of parents credit cards/phones/computers
- Deliberate damaging of property
- Threats of or actual violence to pets or other children of the household as a way of intimidation
- Emotional blackmail
- Drug/alcohol abuse in the home
- Belittling parents in front of friends/other family members/public.
Many parents may recognise some of these signs as "normal" teenage behaviour, but those suffering from parent abuse have experience physical harm resulting in medical treatment or even death, damage to property, theft and bullying at the hands of their teenage children. This causes parents to lose complete confidence in themselves as parent and human beings, and is debilitating for the child as the parent loses complete control over the child, leading the teenager to be unsupported and in danger of losing out by not fitting into society.
Quite often, the child who is abusing the parent, does it wilfully and for enjoyment, since the ability for empathy and compassion is not present in the teenage psyche, and is a way of them dealing with anger management issues, psychological disturbances and hormones. Not all teenagers turn on their parents, but there is an increasing number that are.
Since children have been made more aware of their rights as a child, it has prevented parents from administering chastisement and punishments traditionally used to control rowdy and unacceptable behaviour. The Law is always on the child's side, through legislation in Child Protection, but there is nothing to protect parents from children who abuse their parents, and in the UK, as a parent you are legally responsible for that child. In most cases Social Services are not interested, unless the child has a long history of repeated offences of violence involving the Police. Schools often permanently exclude teenagers with behavioural issues, but since there is virtually no support for these kids or their parents they quickly turn to drugs and crime.
Parent Abuse is not restricted to certain social groups, it can affect single and two parent families equally. It is usually the mother (or the main caregiver) who is most affected, but other children in the family and fathers suffer too.
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What Causes Teens to Turn on Their Parents?
Many people consider Parent Abuse to be the result of bad parenting, neglect or the child suffering abuse themselves, but many teen abusers have had normal upbringing and have not suffered from these issues.
My personal belief is that as a society, we are not teaching our children respect, love and care. We are allowing them to be subjected to violence on TV, Film and music, and violence is considered "normal". Drugs and Alcohol can play a huge part, as can gang culture. Social deprivation is another factor, as is many teens not having adequate role models or enough input from male members of society. The breakdown of the family unit and increasing numbers of children who have poor or non existent relationships with an absent parent, debt, unemployment and parental drug/alcohol abuse are also contributory factors on Parent Abuse.
What Can you Do?
Firstly do not suffer in silence and take back control. You do not have to give your power away and you can put a stop to this abuse.
If you are suffering from Parent Abuse you must recognise that you are not at fault and do not deserve this, as with any form of abuse. Speak to a friend, or your GP, or contact a domestic abuse support group. Seek professional help.
Confront the child with his/her behaviour, calmly and tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate it any more. Explain that what they are doing is abuse ( be prepared for them to turn the tables on you and abuse you further) and explain that they need professional help. Re- assure them that you still love them, but this is the end of the line. Remove all privileges, rights to mobiles computers, video games, money etc and refuse to be a taxi service. If they refuse to come home, report them as missing to the police, and get them picked up in a squad car. Sometimes Police intervention is enough of a wake up call for them.
If you feel that you can still communicate with your child, seek mediation, and explain that you will not tolerate this behaviour. Lay down some ground rules, regain control of yourself and absolutely stick to them!. If you tell your child that if you are hit again, you will call the Police, and have them arrested. Don't call their bluff, do it. They need to see that you mean business.If your child physically harms you, steals from you or damages property, involve the Police immediately and PRESS CHARGES! Dial 999 and report an assault. Its tough love we are talking about here!
Try not to retaliate by hitting back unless in absolute self defence, and disarm them if the come at you with a weapon. Many many abusers will ring social services to claim you have hit them, and the Law comes down on their side every time. You will be prosecuted for hitting your child and your child will be placed on an "at risk" register as will any other children in your household.They may even be removed, which can be good news if the offending child is removed but unfair for the siblings or for you. If in doubt and under threat of violence, call the police. Invariably, Social Services will not be interested at all, unless you are yourself a drug abuser/alcoholic or violent towards your child, in which case, they will put the child on the "at risk" register, and seek to remove the child for its own safety.
See? No support for parents who suffer from appalling behaviour from teenage children who are often physically bigger and stronger than the parent.
Seek help from extended family and friends, and see if they can offer to give you respite by taking the child from you for a few days.
Get in touch with Parentline Plus, a UK organisation dedicated to helping parents with their issues. You can call them on 0808 800 2222. Visit their website and look on the message boards for help and support groups in your area.They often run groups which offer practical support and tips of parenting difficult teens. You can meet with other parents who are in the same boat as you and find support there.
Approach your GP and your child's school and have your child referred to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, or refer them yourself, informing them that you are suffering Parent Abuse.
Keep a journal of events, with dates, times etc., or a video diary, and film your child when it is abusing you (you can use your mobile phone or digital camera). Often, when faced with media of their own behaviour, it can shock them into accepting help from professionals.
Get therapy for yourself and your family.
If none of these work, then the last resort is to exclude the child at 16 years old from the family home, and change the locks. Its tough love, but you cannot continue to allow this behaviour to go on without resolving it. You owe it to your child to teach them that abuse is unacceptable and be excluded from the home is their behaviour continues.
Useful Links For Abused Parents
- GotATeenager - Home
GotATeenager.org.uk: The new website for parents of teenagers from Parentline Plus - BBC NEWS | UK | Move to tackle anti-parent abuse
Police are growing concerned about the rising trend of violence committed by children against their parents. - BBC - Radio 4 Woman's Hour -Parent Abuse
Listen here for radio show about Parent Abuse - When Teens Abuse Their Parents: Amazon.co.uk: Barbara Cottrell: Books
When Teens Abuse Their Parents: Amazon.co.uk: Barbara Cottrell: Books - WOMENS AID DONT SUFFER IN SILENCE FROM DOMESTIC ABUSE
Women's Aid Domestic Abuse website - parent abuse!! - Netmums Coffeehouse
Can anyone point me in the right direction so that I can help my sister. She is having the usual problems with her 15.5 yr old, swearing at her, - Welcome to Youngminds — YoungMinds
YoungMinds- website offering help and suport to parents and children with Mental health issues
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Comments
You would be surprised to hear that Social Services in the UK deem all of that behaviour "normal teen behaviour" . They only class it as unusual when it is prolonged. Its far more common than people realise and parents need to start speaking out and coming forward if they are suffering. It is not just a case of "bad parenting". If that was the case then families with more than one child would suffer parent abuse from all of their kids, not just from the abusing one.
Thanks for your comments
The Police are excellent and supportive, but despite months of violent and criminal acts, social services seem unclear what to do. Parenting classes are not much help when a 14year old is absent from the home more than present and only turns up to take money or food!
We have tried not to suffer in silence, but there seem to be know answers when you ask for help!!
Thank you for your comment and I understand what you are going through. Social Services are not interested in dealing with type of issue ayou say, they are unclear or unwilling to deal with these issues. And there is no help, except from the police. It is hard to comprehend that the small baby you have loved and raised turns on you and is unrecognisable, but you do have to administer tough love, even if it means locking your valuables away. You do have a legal obligation to care for the child until it is 16 years old, at which point you can expell them from the family home. The key is finding support from others in your situation. If no groups are available, then it may be worth considering setting one up yourself in your area. Get in contact with your local high schools, and explain that you would like to publicise your group to other parents, advertise on community notice boards and in your local newspaper and volunteer centres. getting advice from domestic abuse support groups is also a great help. Sometimes, just meeting people who are going through what you are experiencing is a great way to share your frustrations. I find that when the young person is confronted with what they are doing publicly, and they realise that the threat of expulsion is very real, they often change their ways. And I agree, parenting clases are not much help. It is other parents going thru the same thing that will be the most help to you. find a local group by contacting Parentline plus, or speak to one of their staff for help. They really are experienced in this type of abusive behaviour and maybe able to offer some practical solutions. Counselling for yourself is a good way of dealing with the emotional destruction and for rebuilding your confidence. I know its hard, butthese kids need love. Theyreally have lost all respect for everything, including themselves when they get tlike this. Reassuring them that you still love them, but will not tolerate the behaviour is a good standpoint to start from. Confiscate permanently their possesions. Computer, mobile phones, CD collections, computergames are all high on their list of priorities. Also, have you considered that there maybe an underlying mental health/drug problem that you are not aware of? You do have the power to go down this route and even have them sections if you feel that their behaiour warrants it. They are minors, and though the Law comes down on their side, you do have more power over them than you realise. Speak to the Police Community Officers for advice, and your GP to back up your claims for help from Social Services. They do have links to the probation and youth offenders counselling services. Maybe they can help.My thoughts are with you. Good luck!
This is an issue that is not spoken of. I believe that society has been numbed to violence through video games, movies, news (paper, internet and radio), war coverage, internet site and so forth. Unfortunately, the mast majority of the targetted audience is our youth -- young adolescents and young adults. Without proper guidance and reinforced rules, it is easy for youth to engage in such behavior. This is a forewarning sign of where society is headed.
The issue is, that as parents we have had our rights to raise our children as we see fit, and to chastise unacceptable behaviour removed by the nanny state. It is virtually impossible to discipline your children effectively without infringing so called human rights and Child Protection Legislation. While I am all for childhood protection and I wish the social services and the authorities would enforce it correctly as in the appalling cases of Victoria Climbie and baby P, I do think it has gone too far, and is completely confused. Parents and children, and the authorities are not all singing from the same song book. As far as violence, media et al is concerned, yes it is a desensitisation programme aimed at the young people and children, for the atrocities perpetrated on society which are coming. It normalises this sort of behaviour and makes it acceptable, yet that does not been it is right. I love the analogy of if everyone went around and regularly beat someone else over the head with a large piece of would society would deem this "normal" behaviour, but, and here's the rub, it does not make it the right behaviour! The time has come, for parents to take control of their own lives and be responsible, by challenging the rules of a society which has totally lost the plot, for the sake of their own safety and sanity and the safety of their children and families.
The Manic Street Preachers wrote a song a few years ago called "if you tolerate this, then your children will be next". It is time to stand up and be counted! If you have never heard it, you can listen to it here.
Trying to find help for my daughter who is being abused by her 13year old daughter is very difficult. social services were called as my daughter hurt her thirteen year old as she was defending herself from the onslaught of her child. this child is very angry and hates being told no; this has gone on since she was five and no one seems to care. having found this sight has been a help for me just to know that other parents are going through the same heartache
rita anstee: I do hope that you can find some solidaity with other parents and grandparents. This is a thorny issue which no-one wants to speak about. Social Services are not interested unless it is the parent hurting the child. I know its really difficult for your daughter, I have dealt with this myself and with other parents. The Police are very supportive when it comes to kids who are abusing their parents, and in a lot of cases, if the parent reports the attack as an assault and the child is hauled down to the police station, it does shock them into accepting help. Its hard to understand why they are so angry and why they turn, but maybe there is more going on with her than you may realise and she cannot articulate herself to talk about why she is so angry and just becomes aggresive. You do feel like you are the only ones going thru it but let me assure you that you are not. Parentlineplus message boards are full of people in your daughters position, and reading some of their stories makes you realise just how common it is. People need to know what is happening and parents need to take back control. the first step to that is making society aware of the problem, that way everyone is aware, and then peer pressure starts to mount on these kids, because we wont accept their behaviour. Sending you some love and to your daughter, because I know how hurtful and frustrating it is, especially when all you have is love for the child, and I know how quickly that love can turn to hate, and you end up hating yourself in the process. Its the helplessness of the situation that is so exasperating. I do hope you can find some practical help, and maybe other parents who are going through it themselves locally who can support each other. Love and light x
Just had to endure child protection procedures !!!
Fortunately every member of the vast panel on hearing the many police and school details commented that it seems that 'the family need protection from this emotionally damaged child.'
Fortunately we were not seen as perpetrators but as victims .... no one has the answer!!
Fascinating
A. Hopeson: I am pleased you have had some recognition that you are not the "perpetrator". Unfortunately this issue is becoming more prevalent on modern society. As it becomes more prevalent the infrastructure to deal will this will become more available. There are people who will listen, but there is no strategy in place to deal with it. Here's hoping you are going to get the help and support you so desperately need.
Stay strong, there will be some resolution in the end.
Light and love x
Sadly this is not limited to only teens. My daughter, who is almost 6 years old, is abusive. She does a number of things on that list, and when she is hurting me, the look on her face is one of frightful enjoyment. We have tried therapy for over 2 years now, as she had acute PTSD. And still, most of the time, the tools they gave me do not work. It is difficult to know when she will act out, as her fits of rage and abuse can be triggered by even the smallest of things. The hardest part: she is one big sweetie most of the time. But when she flips.. it is becoming increasingly dangerous. Honestly, I am grasping at straws any more trying to help her, and figure out how to keep her, myself and her brother safe. Medication isn't an option either, as most on the market are not approved for children her age. It worries me that is things are not brought to some sort of control, as she gets older she will only become more dangerous to herself and others.
And trying to find information that is helpful is near impossible. So if anyone else is in the same boat, I would really like to hear back.
Thank you for the informative and well-researched article. I am a law enforcement veteran and can add that, in most instances, law enforcement are the last to be informed of an abuse situation. Hopefully, that will not continue to be the case. Again, thank you.
A. Graves: You are fortunate in one respect, your daughter is young enough to be helped. Firstly have you considered her diet? Removing all processed foods, refined sugars etc will help. I find many young children's behavioural issues stem from their diet. Removing sugar coated breakfast creals, squash drinks and soda pop, cookies, cakes and candy etc (unless they are home made), processed meats and microwaves meals are all full of additives and hidden sugars that can send kids off the wall. Try to give her "basic" foods like fruits and vegetables and lean meat and fish, getting her to help prepare the foods and trying new foods each day. So if you remove cookies one day and introduce bananas/oranges as a substitute, and make it interesting, like finding out where they grow, and what foods you can make with them etc, this will give her a distraction from wanting the cookies etc. So many kids have a sugar addiction and my kid was no different. When my daughter was 6 she was an absolute nightmare. She was overweight due to a hereditary gene problem and she was physically too big for me to pick her up, and she knew it. She made our lives hell. She actively enjoyed causing us all harm, and she had suffered abuse at the hands of my ex partner whom I ejected from the family home. However, with perseverance with good behaviour reinforcement, diet and distraction activities we did get there, and she is now a wonderful 12 year old. Its tough love, but removing toys, tv and videogames do work. You MUST be consistent with your boundaries, or she will not get the message, and I cant stress the importance of routine. One other thing I must ask you to try, as difficult as it is, is to stay calm and do not get drawn into the arguments and fights she picks with you. Remember that as much as she displays pseudo-adult behaviour, she is still a child, with child emotions and understanding, and you are the adult. She is looking to you for answers in a world that frustrates her and angers her, and from her perspective you are not giving her the answers she needs. Its hard for these children to trust people, so you must show even more love to her than you probably would normally, to help her feel secure. I know how difficult that might seem when you have had an awful day with them and are struggling with your own feelings toward her. The outbursts are just her way of trying to regain some control in her life when she has been traumatised, and as damaging and as upsetting as they are to you and your family, you can win through this one. It will be hard, but you can do it, and the fact that she can be a real sweetie shows that all is not lost and you have something to work with. When she is in a receptive and happy mood, reinforce the message that its the behaviour you dont like, not the child. Reinforce the message that when she is being happy everything goes well for her, and she can have the treats etc and your time and attention. Plan days out/activities at home and give her goals to work towards. If she is the sort of child that seems to have a lot of energy, then find an activity which burns this off, and make it a part of your routine. Try working with the things she is positive about. I must also stress how important it is for you yourself to have support and somebody to talk to about your own emotions on this. Struggling along with the burdens of parenthood, everyday life and a difficult child is not easy, see if you can get some respite for her from a friend or family member even if its only for an hour a week, so that you can have a break. I hope this has been a help to you. Let me know how you get on. Light and love to you x
James Ginn: Thank you for your comments. Its always interesting to hear about this issue from someone who has had to deal with it in an official capacity. Many of the police officers I have spoken to believe that too many rights of parents to chastise their own children have been taken away resulting in out of control behaviour by teens and parents legally unable to enforce self defence and property protection. Where I live, its a smaller community and the police are quite used to responding to calls from teens alleging abuse of a parent that has hit them out of exasperation, when they have repeatedly abused their own parents. Often, the teen is the one who has to be taken to the police station for abusing the police officer when they don't get their own way of having the parent arrested, often accompanied by the abused parent! What these teens don't realise is that most of the officers are parents themselves and can spot an abusive teen or parent at a hundred paces. Usually its the behaviour and language of the teen who has made the allegation which the officers pick up on straight away to see who the real injured party is. That is not to say that some cases of alleged abuse by parents are not genuine, but the law does seem to favour in the teens viewpoint and parents often have no support.
You have an extraordinary grasp of the issue. I have spent countless hours at the scene of alleged domestic violence only to end up arguing with a teen about the difference between discipline and abuse. Again, outstanding article.
Thank you for your comments James. I think because I have experienced this issue both first and second hand, the experiences have given me the tools and information to help others in the same situation. I am trying to raise awareness of this issue in an effort to help what I see as a lost generation. There are far too many teens out there without the benefit of trustworthy guidance, and considering the world these kids have to exist in, I don't blame them for behaving the way they do. The thing is, unless we educate these kids to follow a path in life which creates balance and harmony for themselves and others, then this is just going to continue. Someone has to be brave enough to break the cycle of abuse.
Lisa HW says:
5 months ago
Important information, but I think readers should realize that the only behavior in that list that would be considered "normal teen behavior" would be "constant refusal to do as asked" (which is sometimes not so much refusal, as "not getting around to it yet"). None of the rest of that behavior is particularly "usual teen behavior". Some teens will "mouth off", so that's common; but it isn't what all do. The rest of the behavior is a real sign of trouble.