Here is what my horoscope said today:

“You might want to consider a career in media...Your appearance is very camera-friendly.”  Some might argue this point, but the stars do not lie.  I think I’ll make funny videos that make people laugh.  I’ll try on different, ridiculous outfits and make myself a fool for the amusement of others yet still maintain my own integrity.  Hmmm...I like that idea...oops!  I’ve already done that

After looking into the night sky, you can’t argue that Orion has a belt or that there is a big black bear in the sky and a scorpion and such.  The stars just line up that way.  The Master of the Universe sprinkled them around in patterns that would amuse us and make some believe that their alignment actually means something.  The Master had me at ‘sunset!

As a matter of fact, after ingesting my first hallucinogenic drug in 1969, I had an epiphany that I have not been able to shake to this very day.  Whilst lying on my back on the hood of my Chevy Malibu, my mind altered the night sky I had been used to seeing into a gigantic black dome with pin holes of light in it.  I was able to deduce that the pin holes of light meant that on the other side of that black dome over my head was the sun shining brightly through each pin hole...sort of like an empty colander or a sieve.  WOW!  I don’t know about you, but for me on that night, with Mescaline coursing through my veins and brain, this was quite the revelation

So, I read my horoscope daily.  And, I haven’t had an hallucingenic drug since 1975, but still...isn’t there something MYSTERIOUS about that night sky?  Just try to tell me that there aren’t other ‘us’es’ out there on other planets seeing those pin holes and thinking the very same thing I did.  How do you think astrologers got to BE astrologers, du’uh...they took LOTS of those drugs back in the day...or night

KK

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Astrology is a thousand-year old science that makes perfect sense to me.  All women feel the pull of the moon every month, don’t they?  Okay, I don’t any more, but I did before I laid all of my eggs and bought a fan for my hot flashes

Just think, thousands of years ago some guy saw Venus at a certain place next to the moon and at the same time he noticed that his wife, who was born when Jupiter was headed away from Earth, was in a really bad mood.  Every year he began to realize that when Venus and the moon were in the same positions, his wife became the whore-bitch from hell.  Hmmmm, he thought, every time that star there…I’ll name it Mercury heads away from Earth, either my goat dies or something breaks in the cave

See?  That’s how it all started.  Later on people started making pictures out of stars so they could show their kids where the constellations were.  Then the kids’ grandchildren began to realize that as those pictures moved across the skies, stuff happened repeatedly and with regular effects when in certain places.  Hmmmm, they thought, every time Saturn aligns with Jupiter I get really horny and people give me pottery and chickens.  Wonder when that will happen again.  Maybe I can figure that out

And thus was born our first astrologer.  People in the town burned him at the stake, but no matter.  His grandchildren took that ball and ran with it.  They figured out that if they could foretell some trends in the heavens, the king would give them castles and wenches.  Of course, if they were wrong and the King was a double Scorpio, they were screwed.  They should have noticed that when Mars was aligned with Uranus and the moon was in…whatever…people got their heads chopped off by angry kings

Anyway, I think the science of astrology is really cool and I check my Gemini daily horoscope with Brigette Walther every day.  Here is a woman who ‘gets it’ and is uncannily correct in her predictions.  She told me to watch out for gossips and ignoramuses today so I’m going to stay away from most of my friends and that bitch behind the counter at the dry-cleaners

SalGal