The Ten Stages of Greek Ouzo Oblivion – The Road to Certain Death
84Greek Ouzo is a wonderful drink, designed to make you relax and enjoy a great conversation. However, overdoing a good thing can go downhill very quickly, and too many Greek Ouzos is the road to ruin. Many tourists have tried to prove their manhood by downing vast quantities of this drink, and all have ended up as mewling babes needing a stomach pump.
If you really want a trial of manhood, the Ancient Spartan custom of running between two lines of warriors, whilst they beat you with large sticks of smiting, is much less dangerous. In fact, juggling bottles of nitroglycerine or wrestling lions are safer ways to test manliness, with much less potential for permanent embarrassment.
If you insist upon this course of action, which will lead you into a downward spiral of suffering, I have provided you with a few pointers of what to expect. You have been warned.
One Ouzo – Ouzo Makes you Smile: You will find that you begin to feel warm and friendly, with a grin starting to spread across your face. Greek Ouzo makes you smile.
Two Ouzos – Deep Conversations: You begin to talk about nothing in particular, and you are at that happy stage where you can enjoy a philosophical debate and put the world to rights.
Three Ouzos – Warped Reality: You are in a happy place and sit with a big, stupid grin on your face. You can still speak, although people may have trouble understanding you. Standing becomes a little difficult and you start to sway a little. It is a good idea to go to the toilet now, before you forget where it is.
Four Ouzos – Legless but Laughing: This is dangerous territory. You slur a little but begin to feel a little queasy. Getting up could be a problem, because Ouzo gets you drunk from the legs upwards. Going to the toilet usually means standing up and falling flat on your face as you suffer a severe case of jelly legs.
Five Ouzos – Attack of the Talking Heads: Amidst the wry smiles of knowing Greeks, the world has started to go completely wibbly and nothing looks quite right. People become disembodied heads speaking in a language that you do not understand. If you are male, the barmaid that is old enough to be your mother suddenly becomes divine Aphrodite. If you are female, Big, Fat, Sweaty Niko becomes a rippling Greek hero, waiting to sweep you away.
Six Ouzos – Drooling in Agreement: Six is where you begin to drool uncontrollably and look like the village idiot. If anybody says anything to you, all that you can do is smile and drool some more. The munchies strike and you will eat anything and everything, including Spiro’s salmonella-laced Souvlakia.
Seven Ouzos – The Terminal Decline: Walking is now physically impossible, and the prognosis is not good. You can’t walk home, and any self-respecting Greek taxi driver will not let you into his taxi in this condition. Unable to make it home, the only choice is to stay in the taverna and have another Ouzo. Remember the barmaid – after seven Ouzos, her mother looks like a fine example of Greek womanhood.
Eight Ouzos – Buying a Holiday Home: You are quite probably hallucinating by this point. Nothing is quite as it seems, and you feel like you are caught in the set of a really bad episode of Xena. Speech is impossible, and you can just about manage to point at the pretty pictures. Enterprising Greeks will try to sell you a pile of rocks that could conceivably be called a house, as long as you are not bothered about having a roof. Or windows and doors. Or walls.
Nine Ouzos – Inter-dimensional Timewarps: You certainly need to sleep, and will probably do so anywhere, across the table or even passed out upon the toilet. Do not be surprised if you wake up surrounded by beautiful Greek nurses, although you might still be hallucinating – it is quite hard to tell. You now inhabit a place outside of the normal space-time continuum, and the laws of physics no longer apply.
Ten Ouzos – Dead or Deader: You are quite probably dead. You won’t quite know until the morning when, if you are not dead, you will wish that you were. Don’t plan on doing anything for the next few days, and don’t be surprised if your liver went away on a long vacation. You have certainly proved your manhood although you have lost too many brain-cells to appreciate it.
I know what you're thinking: 'Did I drink six shots, or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I've kinda lost track myself. But, being this is a Greek Ouzo, the most evil drink in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?
Picture Credits
Drunk Man on Beach: Courtesy of asifthebes
Drooling: Courtesy of cruxbrasil
12 Ouzo: Courtesy of expeace
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Sounds like slivovic, lol. Only I can barely drink one. We attend our Bosnian friend's Saint Day annually, where the slivovic flows until my husband loses count. I am the designated driver, thank God. It gives me an excuse to pass on the refills! Funny, funny hub!
hello there long time no see...... still drinking this stuff. how are all the animals, saw you had a 100 on one of your hubs just lately nice one......
LOL, can't say we haven't been warned!
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Frieda's Ouzo spider senses strike again! - give me a chance to get the bottle open, first :D
Glad that you enjoyed the Hub - I have only once reached ten, and never again. My brain still hurts
Hi Storyteller - Thanks for dropping by :)
Slivovic is an evil drink! I have had a few of those and don't remember much about the evening - you probably made the right choice in passing.
Hi Brenda - Great to see you. I am still drinking Ouzo and writing. I got bored of writing commercial Hubs, and had this one half finished. The animals are doing fine, thanks, and we now have another tiny kitten - a never-ending stream of orphans. Hope that you enjoyed the Irish summer :)
Thanks, FP - It is lethal in the wrong hands!
Frieda - It looks like HP comments don't support the Greek alphabet :(
I shall try again - Geia Sou, Wraia Frieda mou :D
Hi Sufi, Frieda's 'tweet' sent me straight over. I have tried Raki once--a friend of mine from Adana, Turkey introduced me to the drink...was good...and that was all I could remember =D according to your hub, I think I made it to Ouzo stage 3 with the Raki...I think I am still feeling just like that =/
The things you get up to. Was that you on the beach? Now we all found out. Great hub, can you sent me a box of 10 bottles?
Hi AIDY - glad that you could join the party.
Raki is also very good - Ouzo was originally derived from raki (called tsiporou in most of Greece). Three is very good going - the measures are much bigger in this part of the world. Our grapes are not doing too well this year (it has been a wet summer), so we might use them to make Raki instead of wine - Happy Days :P
Hi Hello, hello - they have even named a part of the beach after me - Sufi's Bedroom :D
I would send you ten bottles, but Kostas the Goat Herder is now the village mailman (Despite the fact that he can't read). I strongy suspect that most of the Ouzo would 'evaporate' in transit :|
Opa!
Opa! :P
...half an ouzo is probably my limit - but it needs to be drunk under a Greek sun - just doesn't taste the same anyplace else, does it?
Hi Shalini - Great to see you!
The Greek sun certainly does make it taste much better, although good conversation is the most important thing.
Have a great weekend :D
I've never tried this nectar of the Gods Sufi, but should I ever get to Greece, I'll remember your cautionary words!
Hi, Amanda
It is certainly not to be taken lightly - Ouzo is a great drink, but it is deceptively strong. On that note, I am off out to Sparta in a few minutes, and I may enjoy couple of Ouzo's in the town square. :D
I have always been warned about Ouzo, now I have a better perspective. I love the smell, that is enough for me LOL, maybe will have to pass on more than just a taste if I ever get to Greece.
Hi Mardi - Thanks for dropping by.
You are welcome in Greece anytime - joking aside, it is nice to sip a long Ouzo and watch the sun set over the mountains. It makes you realize that life is good :D
If people need a drink, maybe they'd better invest in one of the devices you describe in your hub below:
Hi Alexander - thanks for dropping by and for the shameless self-promotion on my behalf!
I do like Ouzo, but I must admit that I miss enjoying a nice bottle of single malt once in a while - it is very expensive here :(
I love your exquisite writing, brother. I have never tried ouzo, that I can remember anyway. :) Your article reminds me of what I have heard about Absinthe or good old American Moonshine. I enjoyed your Hub.
Hi James - thanks for dropping by - always a pleasure!
If you have had absinthe, Ouzo is very similar - it is one of those drinks that tastes so nice that people undrestimate its potency.
Mind you, I have heard some tales from my Greek-American friends about your moonshine - humans always seems to be at their most creative when they try to find new ways to make alcohol.
Thanks for the kind words, brother :)
Good grief Sufi. Ten Ouzo drinks ... standing on the wall ... and if one Ouzo drinker should accidentally fall ... lolol! Lethal stuff. I enjoyed the way you wrote it, made me smile and certainly reminded me of why I like Vodka :)
There seems to be a pirate them on Hubpages. Fun avatar! Well I definitely enjoyed reading about the stages of Ouzo, and it is always good to hear about one of your favorite drinks. I just wanted to say thanks for sticking up for me on another hub. You are a true gentleman!
Has anyone ever had 11 ouzos and lived to tell about it?
I think I'd sooner swallow an entire tub of Red Vines -- licorice induced nausea is guaranteed, but at least I'll avoid the hangover!
Great hub and the ending with Clint makes it. Bravo. MM
Hi Frog,
Sorry about missing your comment - I was having far too much fun with pirate day! I have a problem with vodka - half a litre mixed with cheap Thunderbird and I was not a well boy. Even the smell makes me feel ill :(
Glad that you enjoyed the Hub.
Thanks, SP - we all had great fun with the pirate day. I really should change the avatar back, but it is fun - it is the unofficial badge of a German football team, St Pauli. No worries, although I am not always such a gentleman - it stops after about four Ouzo's :D
Not that I know of, MM - I reached the magic ten and I am very glad that I was not in a fit state to try one more. It is a wonderful drink, but sneaks up and hits you over the head if you do not give it respect :)
I really enjoyed reading this good humored (but also serious) hub, sufidreamer. I've yet to try Ouzo, but because of this hub, I won't "get stupid" with it. Three or four might be sufficient. After that, I probably won't be welcomed in Greece until the next life, lol. Thanks for a great, fun-filled hub.
Thanks, Dohn
I am glad that you enjoyed the Hub - 3 or 4 Ouzo's is plenty if you want to have a great night!
You are always welcome in Greece :D
There is a fine line with ouzo. Unfortunately, once you've crossed the line it's too late. I've had some moonshine made in the mountains of Athens a few years back. That was entirely different. One was just about too much of that...
Hi bloodnlatex - sorry for the delay in replying. I approved a lot of comments and then completely forgot to reply to them all. Apologies for the rudeness :|
aah - the Greek moonshine. That may well have been Tsiporou (also known as Raki). Because of the wet summer, the grapes are not going to be much good for making wine, so we may go straight to making Tsiporou.
One of the joys of living in a mountain village - due to ancient laws, it is all perfectly legal :D
Now this is what I call practical analysis.
Drink up and have a glorious time.
You made me laugh with this one. Raki (or was it Retsina) was the free tot offered at the end of each meal on my holiday this summer. It is difficult to explain without offending that you do not drink especially if one glass of wine from the caraffe was obviously mine. I think they may need to replace the pot plant that was near to my table in the resturant after my visit as it is leaning over slightly.
Too right, Jewels - I am a great believer in experimental research :D
Thanks B and L - I overindulged last night and had seven. Still feeling a little delicate :(
Hi 2uesday - Glad that you enjoyed the Hub. It was probably Raki at the end of the meal - one for the road.
I had that problem a few years back - I gave up drinking for a couple of years and had to find cunning ways to get rid of the Raki :D
No doubt about it. This is some potent s***. LOL I knew it at my first swaller. It is good stuff. btw, I see you have met our beautiful Jiberish. Peace my friend. CC
Cheers, CC - it is dangerous if taken too lightly. I treted myself to some 'Afrodite' Ouzo. 48% alcohol by volume - Happy Days :)
Agreed - a lovely lady with a beautiful smile :)
Peace to you, too, old friend
i love Ouzo and this hub is funny
Thanks for the kind words, Lurchthing - Glad that you are a fan of the divine drink!
I missed reading this one. I once had someone giving me double ouzos with coke (that thing where you put down your glass and omg there's another one in its place). You can tell the doubles and triples b/c there's an oil slick rainbow effect on the surface.
I prefer white sambucca
Are you sure that it was not just a single but you were seeing double :D
Never had it with coke - that is the only crime carrying the death penalty in Greece. If you have a proper Ouzo, with ice and water, it is much more pleasant. I much prefer Ouzo to Sambuca, although I am undoubtedly biased :)
Oh yes, that's the whole beautiful experience of drinking ouzo! :D And let's not forget that it's the best drink to have with seafood. Sten egia sou!!
Thanks, Wild Cherry - great to see you. I don't eat seafood, but I have heard many good things about Ouzo and Octopus.
Happy drinking and Chronia - hope you had the chance to relax on 'No' Day. :)
I think I will stick to my wine, lol. Not sure Ouzo sells in Canada either but may check one out, lol. Will watch out for Ouzo guzzlers for sure. :) lol
Hi Dame Scribe - always god to see you :)
Nothing wrong with a glass of wine! You should be able to get Ouzo in Canada - I think that most of the major cities have Greek speciality shops. I know that there are a few in Toronto - my friend is from there :)
9 Ouzos - Interdimensional Timewarp =) Great read Sufi.
Thanks, PirateFX - glad that you enjoyed the read and I hope that you have taken heed of the warning! :D
- HOTEL KASTORI GREECE
A great place to stay in Northern Laconia, where the Spartans work hard and drink hard. Ouzo is the water of life here, and the working men of the village love nothing better than a tall ouzo at the end of a hard day in the fields. - Messinia and Ouzo
A guide to the beautiful area of Messinia, where you can drink Ouzo as the sun sets over the sea. A fascinating site full of great information about things to do and see. - Greek Drinking Habits
This is a good article about the drinking habits of Greeks and the popularity of Greek Ouzo. An interesting read and a useful insight into Greek life. Well worth looking at. - Entertaining with Ouzo - Throw a Greek Ouzo Party
How to turn your home into an Ouzeri for the night, including providing snacks. You will have a great night, but remember how potent this drink is. Enjoy your evening! - Ouzo Barbayannis - Greek Ouzo Producers, Ouzo Exporters Plomari Lesvos (Mytilene) Greece Liquor Dist
Barbayannis Ouzo, from the village of Plomari on Lesvos Island Greece, is the finest Ouzo. There is a 48% alcohol version available for those who not only laugh in the face of death, but spray paint his skull dayglo pink. - Ouzo. Greek ouzo qualities and ouzo producers
A site with some excellent information about Greek Ouzo, the history, how it is made, and some of the producers. Well worth a visit if you want to find out more about this fascinating drink. - Ouzo: Greece\'s Most Popular Drink
Once again, Matt Barrett provides some excellent information about Greek life. His site reveals much about the history and cultural raditions behind Ouzo. The site also contains some excellent information about the different suppliers.
Frieda Babbley says:
3 months ago
bravo, Sufidreamer! Now this is quite the exceptional hub. And no, dear god, I do NOT feel lucky, lol. Brilliantly executed. I'm passing this on everywhere I can. Thanks for the wonderful morning laugh and "the real truth". You warned them. =D