Somewhere in a lonely hotel room
there’s a guy starting to realize
That eternal fate has turned it's back on him
It's two a.m.

It's two a.m. the fear has gone
I'm sitting here waitin' the gun still warm
Maybe my connection is tired of taken chances
Yeah there's a storm on the loose sirens in my head
I'm wrapped up in silence all circuits are dead
I cannot decode
my whole life spins into a frenzy
I'm falling down a spiral
destination unknown
A double crossed Messenger
all alone
I can't get no connection
I can't get through
Where are you
Well the night weighs heavy on his guilty mind
This far from the borderline
And when the hitman comes
He knows damn well he has been cheated
And he says

Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse
Feels like being cloned
My beacon's been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far


Golden Earring
1982


It really is 2 am as I write this and my connection is God. And maybe He is finished taking chances with me. I can’t get through, where is He? This cloak of silence envelopes me that extends to everyone and everything I know. I am tired beyond belief. All circuits are dead, the fear truly is gone. The storm around me has set off the sirens in my head. The Hitman is coming—
And I know damn well I have been cheated.

I moved my family to Niantic in the late nineties—Niantic, my only home. There was a 53 year old man who lived down the street from us. I never got to know him, this was because 3 days after he accidently ran over our dog he killed himself with a shotgun.
I wondered what allows a person to live 53 years and then to just finish it with the slight pull of a trigger? What makes a person feel after years of standing up to life that it’s no longer an option? At the time I could not fathom it. Not even close.
I know now.
It begins with a decision you make. Might be small, might not be. But from there Chaos Theory kicks in and you are a dead man walking. One thing after another starts to happen. Things small and large, fast and slow, black and white. Some you can even see coming but for one reason or another—you can’t change what is about to happen. As sure as the sun rises your misery is not going to end. No person or organization can help you. Profound meaning is suddenly invested in Humpty Dumpty. No one can save you and God doesn’t want to. You have gone too far. Now where do you go? The only answer is when the bullet hits the bone.
As Judas Iscariot suddenly realized what he had done; that eternal fate had turned it’s back on him, He also knew there would be no earthly help. Is that what is happening? Are people starting to know when God is done with them? One minute he moves along thinking he’s doing the will of God, forcing Jesus’ hand to overthrow the Romans when he cuts a deal with the religious pricks of the day. After he does the will of God his mind clears and he knows, he knows he has sealed his eternal fate. He did not have to wait for the beatings or the crucifixion to know. He threw the money at their feet and told them they caused him to do this. He knew there was no help for him in heaven or earth. His beacon had been moved under moon and star. Soon he would know—when the bullet hit the bone.
Judas Iscariot went out and hanged himself. The “Son of Perdition”. The one pre-destined to do this deed. Life was no longer worth living and only eternal death awaited him. He knew damn well he had been cheated. Suddenly there was no fear. Circuits were dead. He couldn’t decode. It feels like being cloned into another person. Watch yourself. Down the spiral. Now you know this place is a madhouse. You see your clone move through it.
Just a double-crossed messenger. Wanted to say it’s gonna be ok. Wanted to make it all good. Wanted to say I’m fine. Down the spiral. My whole life spins into a frenzy, this far from the borderline. The gun is still warm, there truly is no fear.

Somewhere in a lonely hotel room
there’s a guy starting to realize
That eternal fate has turned it's back on him
It's two a.m.
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far