The UGLY FACE of Pregnancy

I have always been told that women have a natural glow of beauty about them when they are pregnant. Older generations boast about the beauty in a woman because she has a certain glow in her face and that is how they can tell when she is expecting. I was so excited when I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't wait for my hair to grow long, my nails to start growing elegantly, and to have that perfect glow of beauty in my face every time I look in the mirror. Somehow, I got hit with the ugly stick! I think I might be the ugliest pregnant woman I have ever seen in my life! It was ALL a LIE to trick me in to reproducing!

First, my hair started getting really greasy, and it was driving me crazy because i've never had that problem before. It was growing long, but it started to sponge out like a cross between an afro and a jerry curl because I normally have nice wavey hair. My finger nails started growing, but so did my toe nails, and the bigger I get, the harder it is to snadblast those bad boys! The glow in my face ended up being super oily skin, when I used to struggle with dry patches, I now have acne. The acne doesn't begin on my forehead and end at my chin, it has spread down my neck to my chest and down my back! Instead of getting that brown line down my naval towards my Bermuda Triangle, which is said to result from hormones, I have brown patches on face so I don't look like a pepperoni pizza, I look like a pepperoni and sausage pizza-face!

Oh, the fun doesn't end there! My butt looks like two little pigs fighting under a blanket, my boobs got a little bigger, but my nipples look like giant, dark-chocolate Hershey Kisses, and not only have my feet swollen up another shoe size, but I can't even wear my wedding ring so I look like a single mother! I am only supposed to get about a half hour of walking for my fitness cardio, when I am they type of girl that really needs an intense work out to stay in shape, usually about 1-2 hours of cardio 3-4 times a week plus another hour of weight training, these little walks I am supposed to take don't do a thing for me! I am using a Prenatal Yoga DVD at home, but I am a little worried I am not doing enough and question if I am even doing it right because I'm too broke to take a real class! Besides, I am always so tired and drained I can barely take the walks and do my 30 minute yoga exercises. I miss eating healthy and taking protein shakes, all of which I can't do because my baby LOVES sweets, now I am always craving carbs and candy, which drives me to the brink of insanity! My arms look like I am wearing floaties and I have to put baby powder on my thighs to keep them from chaffing! Although I do eat healthy things, take all my vitamins, and what not, I am on the verge of losing mind! The next phase I have to look forward to is the last few weeks that will eventually begin to cause stretch marks! Lucky ME!

As if the ugly, fat girl that looks back at me each time I look in the mirror wasn't bad enough... I have this gnawing lower back pain that makes me want to pop 100 high-dose Vicadin pills! I feel my bones stretching and my back muscles struggling to carry this little brat growing inside me and sucking all the beauty I had left in my twenties! Then, comes the mood swings! I hate everyone! I hate the world and I hate everyone who is not pregnant! I especially hate the young teenage moms that look so adorable pregnant because I know they are going to rebound from this experience nicely! I'm going to be 30 next year and it is supposed to be even harder to stay in shape! In addition to all the wonder of pregnancy, I am completely absent-minded and forgetful, and somehow, I am also a clumsy baboon with no sense of balance! By the way, make sure you take good care of your teeth because some women lose them during pregnancy due to a lack of calcium or negligence. Now if I was a famous rich chick, I would have no worries! I would have a chef preparing my meals, a personal trainer to keep my body together, a Dermatologist taking care of my skin, a masseuse rubbing me down daily with a little aromatherapy action, a personal assistant to do everything for me and to fetch things as needed, a hair dresser and a manicurist taking care of my hands and feet while my personal shopper buys me the cutest maternity clothes so I don't look frumpy!

In addition to all the wonderful glories of pregnancy, here's the icing on the cake: GAS, HEARTBURN, and... NO SEX! Yes, that's right! You burp and fart like a drunken old man, you pop antacids all day like eating popcorn at the movies, and my sex drive has diminished! I used to love sex.... my husband called me a nymphomaniac a few times, and now... nothing! It hurts, it's uncomfortable, hard to find a good position to have a grand finale no matter how much lube he lathers on, and then the mood is completely ruined when I feel the baby move. I've heard that some women have the best sex ever when they are pregnant, so I hope and pray that I get my O back after all this! The most sex I get is a ton of erotic dreams, because that's where I get all my action! My mind entertains me with fantasies, experiences with other men, where I can be a complete whore until I remember I'm pregnant in my dream, what a nice little way to wake me up to go pee. It seems as though once I get comfortable or get into the best part of a really awesome dream, I am awakened by my bladder about 50 times, while I go from one day to the next of this "beautiful" experience.

Sometimes I get a burst of energy, this is when I go crazy! I do ALL my house chores, play with my dog, go for walks, do my exercise, then all of a sudden.... it all comes to a screeching halt! Then I pass out, sitting up, on the couch and it's back to slow-motions. Don't get me wrong, I am totally happy and excited about being a mom, having a baby, and what not, but couldn't someone have warned me about all this stuff? Couldn't anyone just pull me aside and say... "this is what it's really going to be like?" I feel like I have been bamboozled! I thought the nausea in the beginning was the hardest part, but after 20-something weeks, I beg to differ! The nausea was a walk in the park! After the stretch marks comes the labor pains, and I can only fear what follows, you know the recovery, bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, milk leaking out of my breasts, so I can kiss my pretty days goodbye because my little girl is going to steal them all!

Everyone says: "it will all be worth it in the end." I'm sure it will be, but now I know why pregnant women are so bitchy! We've got hormones and emotions at war, our body is a complete disaster area, and all the while, our men haven't changed a bit! BASTARDS! Out of everyone I hate, I hate my husband the most! He hasn't gained a pound, no blemishes on his perfect skin, no special shampoos or all over acne soaps to clean the oil slick all over his body, no creams to attempt to avoid stretch marks, just a smile. The very smile I wish I could just slap right off his face! He is so chipper and excited about being a dad, it disgusts me! I just want to punch him in the nose! I love him with all my heart, but he really has no idea what I'm going through. So, Ladies, here is the awful truth about pregnancy, maybe you will have a better experience and if you do, or have already, I hate you! To the men, you will never understand how hard this is so love your woman for not killing you while she's pregnant and don't leave her over some BS later down the line because she isn't just doing this for your baby, she is doing all of this for you... out of love. Let's not forget that your child is half of your heart and ALL of hers, so please, love, respect, and cherish the mother of your child(ren), without her, you would never know the miracle of life that she has given you. The world would be nothing without WOMEN.