The Wandering Eye Gone Overboard
77We hear all the time about how men are visual creatures and women overall are more attracted to one's personality. Although both sexes can fall into these categories, I think all humans are a combination of both, which can be good and bad. It is attractive and alluring when a man is subtle and can give a woman an appreciative look, but it is downright disgusting when attached and married men have to flaunt their wandering eye. Who are they kidding really?! There are many men in this world that look, but they are mature enough not to foam at the mouth over it. People may admire a house, a car, or a new dress, but do you talk about it 24/7? Most likely not. The bottom line is most people do not find it mature or savvy to hear married folks flaunt their wandering eye. It may seem cute or make you sound hip in the moment, but what kind of message are you sending to the world? It comes across as slightly egotistical and not very respectful towards your significant other. Subltey is far more sexy than the blatant chatter about how every blonde in the room makes you want to swoon.
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Been There, Done That
Once a few years ago I dated a guy with the wandering eye gone overboard. Obviously I am dark haired, but when we were out and about he constantly talked about beautiful blondes in the room. One particular time he was drooling over the waitress, how cliche, and his friend's wife called him on his comments. Well Sweetiepie is not a blonde she pointed out, but he just scowled when she called him on his bad behavior. In his narcissistic and sarcastic tone he said "I know, but I am free to look everywhere". I was so disgusted with his immaturity and confronted him with it after we left the restaurant.
I told him point blank we really should not be together if he felt this way about blondes and wanted to desperately be with someone who looked Nordic. He made the flimsy comment about how loved blondes very much, but that he also loved me too. At this point I realized he was lying through his teeth because his friends were there and he did not want to look like a jerk.
Obviously after that day we really did not spend much time together and the Christmas season was very strained. This situation taught me something very important about the type of behavior I will and will not accept from men. Women are guilty of the same things, but I am writing from my experience as a woman.
I think being single is a beautiful thing in a world where many have made a sham and a mockery of marriage. So wow you got married when you wanted to just talk about other people?! Well maybe we should just hand these gentlemen and ladies and award for acting worse than high schoolers when it comes to controlling their hormones. Ironically, many teenagers are better at controlling the thoughts that pop in their head.
So what is one to think about married people who openly and blatantly talk about cheating or looking at other people besides their spouse? Can I be blunt: I think they are hypocrites! Why did you marry this person unless you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them? If a joke of a marriage is fun and being married in name only is so appealing, why bother?! Maybe you should consider being a single person so you can openly date others if you have an extreme need to be around other people and flirt with them. You know, this makes really good sense actually.
When my ex boyfriend was married (several years before I met him) he constantly talked about other women in front of his then wife. Well folks it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why she started cheating on him. So even though he may not have had a physical affair on her, his constant remarks about women in her presence where a mark of disrespect and infidelity.
When it comes down to it I actually respect the men who remain single because they are mature and savvy enough to admit they have a wandering eye. I may not want to date these guys, but I have far more respect for them than the men who are married and flaunt their extramarital escapades. Even overt flirting is a sign of disrespect towards your spouse and others pick up on this. If you have to constantly flirt with others then maybe you should figure out why you need to do this. Are you looking for validation? Are you too insecure to be happy with yourself and need constant affirmations as to whether you are attractive? At this juncture it might be good to put some more time into your own relationship and to stop talking about people who are not in it.
When women cheat is is usually because they have a connection with a man, not just because he looked super sexy in that suit. However, many men have confessed to having one night stands with a woman they thought looked stunning at the moment. Both sexes are guilty of long term physical and emotional affairs, but both of these types of tristes are degrading and disrespectful. At the end of the day it is a couples' business whether they want to flirt with others and have an open relationship, but does that mean the world wants to hear about it?! As they said back in high school: get a room!
Do cheaters ever prosper?
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Comments
Thanks for reading and commenting tonymac04.
Hummm men that cheat are so much into themselves...My ex thought after I found out he could actually go be with her on the week-ends and with me during the week>>>can you figure that one out? We were together 33 yrs. and he decided he wanted a younger woman..It takes all kinds...He's been gone 2 yrs. now...and i am still alone...loving it though...G-Ma :o) Hugs
I agree men that cheat are way too into themselves and it seems more often that men then women cheat for the thrill of it. Women cheat to, but in many cases I have heard it is because they had an emotional connection with a guy, not just because they thought he was really attractive. Of course I think cheating is wrong on both counts, but I am really disgusting by those men that think they can have their cake and eat it too. I think it is great you are single and there is nothing wrong with this, in my opinion.
Good hub! I miss the photos of you wearing glasses. I have a "wandering eye" for women and glasses I guess... it's the sophisticated and intellectual look with a hint of naughty.
Hi PLM, If you are single I do not mind you telling me this :). Just kidding, thanks for your compliment ;). By the way I wear glasses pretty much all the time, so the pic where I do not wear them are just a few. Just happened to like this recent picture. Read my recent hub to see a picture of me with glasses.
Interesting, I know I have a wandering eye but its hard to stop. I get plenty of comments about it but she ends up smiling because I try so hard to disguise it. You have to understand by the time we are twelve we are trained to judge women by their beauty. I think in all fairness, women, being creatures of beauty have to recognize they put themselves out there as objects, and to fault men for looking is wrong. Women are art, and if you appreciate art, you look. Doesn't mean you have to buy it. I think it shows insecurity if a wandering eye bothers you. But don't get me wrong, there is definitely a difference between a look, a flirt, and an outright pig.
goldentoad,
There is a difference between the wandering eye and the wandering eye gone overboard. I just find it so hypocritical that some men, and also women, are married for years and then begin to show a large amount of disrespect to their partners. They are so busy flirting or worse cheating on their partners, but they never fail to realize that the neglected partner will pick up on this behavior. Sometimes this results in the neglected partner leaving the cheater for someone else. Yes women are very beautiful and I never said there is anything wrong with looking,reread the first part of the hub, but the men, and a few women, who make a big deal about gawking are just not savvy. I stand by everything I have written here because I am always spurred by my strong convictions to write from the heart. Marriage is meant to last forever, and if people are not certain about their partner they should not marry. If looking around is that important to you, try being single for awhile and being more authentic.
We have a high divorce rate in this country because people do not take their marriages very seriously, or take time to consider whether this mate is really for them.
A wandering eye does not bother me as I am not married to the people who partake in this behavior. It would only bother me if my mate had this habit, but I would not be around much longer after that I discovered he needed to look, flirt, and then brag about his exploits.
I am very strong on my convictions about marriage and truly believe it is a life long commitment that means both partners should only want to be with each other forever.
I never really buy the argument "I still flirt with others when I am in a relationship because I am human". It is one thing to look, but flirting is for single people, not married ones. Of course flirting with your mate is another matter entirely.
so old-fashioned, yet so true. Quality never gets out-dated.
Benson Yeung,
I am glad you can see this! So many people today want their cake and to eat it too, but maybe they such just focus on why they intially bought the cake instead. Cheating has been around since the dawn of time, but I actually know some couples who never cheat and live wonderful lives together. There is nothing wrong with being old fashioned in my book :).
SweetiePie,
it's interesting that you should use the phrase about having their cake which is a hub I wrote some time ago, about old-fashioned love: They Can Have Their Cake And Eat It Too. Though I have to admit I never figure out what the line means exactly.
cheers.
SP - I answered NO to the poll. I feel awkward when guys eyes wander to other places besides looking in my eyes and talking to me. Yes, it is bad manners to look at other woman when you are with your partner. But I guess an innocent wandering look occasionally can be tolerated. Btw you raise certain good questions: Does having a good friendly interactions over the web with men consist infidelity? As in India they say marriage is two souls united in thought, word and deed (in sanskrit manasa, vacha and karma). Great thought proving hub.
Benson Yeung,
Yes I see what you mean about that expression being confusing. To me I think it means someone want to be able to cheat, but also know their partner is always in the right place. I knew this was the case with my ex-boyfriend when he talked about his ex-wife. He would go on and on about how he flirted with other women in front of her and went on trips with out her, but in the end he was upset she left him for another man.
After awhile I could see he was not really over her and subscribed the the think of the Bono song "With or Without You". He wanted to be without her many times, but ultimately he was bitter about her leaving him for another man and could truly not live without her. After that experience I learned that I could not tolerate a man who flirted with other women in my presence. I hear he has a new girlfriend, but I can gurantee things have not changed.
Part of the reason I no longer date is because I refuse to be statistic in the world of people who are always coming and going out of our lives. I may marry one day, but it would have to be an extradionary person who truly wanted to be with me, with no reservations. I see flirting with others as a reservation and evidence that a spouse is not completely satistfied in the relationship.
Countrywomen,
Your views are the same as mine. I also have the same feeling that marriage is about the union of two souls and it compromises the relationship when one party is constantly challenging that bond. In our modern society we claim their are no boundaries anymore and things can be completely open in relationships, but I like the old values that most traditional societies still abide by.
To me friendly interactions over the web are one thing, but when it starts to get really sexual in nature that is when I draw the line. For instance, there are married men who brag online about looking at other women and bringing other women into their marriage. Yuck, like we really wanted to know that much about their relationship (rolling my eyes). I have not heard women say this often online, but it seems men talk about this more often. That is all fine and good, but I would not want to be their wife, and I wonder if their wives know the extent of their interactions with other women online.
Of course we are all adults here and there are websites that cater to the open relationships of an adult variety, but thankfully HubPages is not really a place where that happens. I think a man or woman is slightly insecure when they have to flaunt their infidelity online for the world to see. They want everyone to know they are irrestsistible and can have their spouse and have another, but I wonder how long the spouse will go along with that. Thus, I think the boundaries traditional societies place on marriage are very valid.
SP - To be honest I have never come across anybody who did that to me as you stated " there are married men who brag online about looking at other women and bringing other women into their marriage". But even if someone is proposing no ordinary woman would flirt with a married man (how can we be the worst enemy of a fellow woman). But at the same time not having trust on our partner and suspecting him unnecessarily also spoils the marriage. Marriage is a very important institution which needs to be respected and cherished for a lifetime.
I agree, sweetie. There's no way of controlling the wandering eye, but failure to do so tactfully (even playfully!) when with a significant other sends a clear message of lack of consideration for the other's feelings, and makes the offender look bad.
countrywomen,
There are surprisingly people who do say the things I have discussed. Really it is their own business at the end of the day, but I find it amusing they have to share about it. A wise person once told me trust, but validate.
Constant Walker,
Well said!
Einstein said it best...
"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."
I am currently in a relationship with a man to whom I am very devoted and wouldn't think of allowing my gaze to linger on other men while we are together. Even when we are apart this doesn't appeal to me. My boyfriend, however, has repeatedly put me in situations where I have to stand next to him in a public place and be humiliated while he gawks longingly at the closest 20 year old blonde he can find. Needless to say, I have expressed to him many times how much this hurts and humiliates me, he says he will control himself then it happens again. He has systematically destroyed my love for him and I'm planning to ask him to move out. Maybe the guys out there can show their mates a loving gesture by ignoring beautiful women while the love of their life is on their arm? Wouldn't that make a BEAUTIFUL statement to their woman!
meadowmaiden,
It would be great if all men treated their ladies the way you described, but sometimes I think men who gaze at women 24/7 will not change. I think it comes down to whether you want to put up with a man like this, or date a man who knows how to behave. Personally I do not think it is unreasonable to ask your man not look at other women, but if you continually have to ask him I do not think it is worth it.
I just spoke to my mate about the mattter....we'll see what happens. I'll keep you updated.
R,
You can do what you like. This hub is merely my personal opinions on the subject.
tonymac04 says:
13 months ago
Great Hub about a touchy subject for many men. Thanks for your insights and being prepared to share them.