I went to the doctor this morning to be stuck like a pig and to bleed into too many glass tubes to keep track of. I came out laughing. Yes, laughing. It had nothing to do with my blood-letting, but it made the process so much easier.

Here's how it went:

My usual routine of checking in ensued when I made my way to the glass-enclosed desk. There's a reason the employees are encapsulated in John Travolta's bubble, you know. I glance down at the pen on the sign-in sheet, which happens to be a shameless advertisement for Detrol, which just happens to remind me of something else I want to discuss with the doc. Before I reach for the pen, I check the sheet to see who all is there, then slowly scan the lobby to determine whether I want to pick up the pen which encourages patients not to wet all over themselves or whether to go back out to the car and get that crayon that's been rolling around on my floorboard.

Today, I felt blessed, so I picked up the pen, signed my name and wrote my check, quickly jotting down "Detrol Discussion" on the back of my receipt lest my memory drains out with all that blood I'm about to lose.

I then prepared myself for the waiting. It's not so much the waiting itself, but the process of keeping my mind engaged during the waiting period. I've determined this is a crucial part of the actual visit with the doctor. It sets the tone for the whole appointment. If you read something depressing, you are going to accept any bad news they give you without a fight. And if they don't have bad news, you could find yourself remembering all the symptoms the drug advertisements on the tissue boxes and lamp shades have convinced you that you have, and talk the doc into the fact there really is bad news, despite the 3 paragraphs of fine print outlining the fact that the cure will cause massive hair loss and numbness of the extremities. However, if you read something upbeat and funny, you might argue the fact that your elevated blood pressure is a direct result of laughing yourself silly--and as an added bonus, you won't have to bring up the "Detrol Discussion", since it will be evident to the doc that you need it.

I discovered many, many illnesses ago that if I want any sort of variety in reading material, I need to get sick on the last Monday of the month, and preferrably in the early morning hours. That's when the new magazines come out. By noon, all the good articles and recipes are torn out, and by the following Friday, most of the magazines themselves are gone. So, this part of my process began. I started by visually perusing the available choices of reading material. Depending on how many patients are checking in at the same time, it sometimes becomes a parade around the lobby. Avoiding the years-old copies of Arthur Frommer's Budget Travel (wasn't he on Ferris Bueller's Day Off?), I saw something that could be of interest hidden way back underneath the leg of the children's toy table. Could it really be? Now, you have probably figured out by now that I don't contact germs unless it's important, or if whatever the germ is on is of any real benefit to me. And we all know the children's table is the most contaminated surface within a 2 mile radius because kids don't care who or what they share their germs with. So, much like the team brought in on Monster's Inc to rid the factory of contamination, I borrowed a pair of rubber gloves from the desk, held my jacket over my nose and mouth, and went in. I came out with a gem!! A complete, intact copy of this month's Reader's Digest! And in large print! This is unheard of !!!!!!!!!!!

I began to hope that my wait would be a long one. There was some good reading here! I read through the jokes, which everyone reads first. I moved on to "I Love You. I Mean It."--folks summing up their romantic lives in six words. (Here's some of my favorites: 'He e-mailed again, and I deleted', 'He told me he was single', and 'Hired me. Fired me. Married me.') I found an article called "The Whole-Family Guide to a Healthy Heart", and since I was here for blood work pertaining to my heart, the 'List of Tests to Get and A Few To Consider' was of utmost interest. Did you know they can take your blood pressure at your ankle to tell if you are having heart problems? Did you know said BP can cost $300?

But it was the next article I came across that had me laughing until I didn't need to bring up the "Detrol" thing. "The Year in Stupidity". I knew from the title that this was my article. So here we go. The purpose of my hub. To tell you about the stupid things people have done and it didn't include me.

Town Seeks New Sign Maker

Days after posting a bilingual traffic sign in Swansea, Wales, officials were alerted to a problem. The English half was fine, but the Welsh, which had been e-mailed to the translator and returned minutes later, read, when translated back into English, "I am not in the office. Send any work to be translated."

Hospital Announces New Promotions to Attract Patients

A German woman got more than she bargained for when she checked into a hospital to have wrinkles removed from her body after losing 224 pounds. The 33-year-old woke up from surgery to find that doctors had put silicone implants into her breasts, enlarging them from a C cup to a D. The hospital says it was done to ensure proper blood circulation. Nevertheless, the woman wants them out.

Gardner Caught

Matthew Gardner was detained for questioning at Seattle's Sea-Tac Airport by Transportation Security Administration (TSA) officers who recognized his name from the no-fly list. A little background: Matthew Gardner is five years old; the Matthew Gardner the TSA is looking for is considerably older. Young Gardner's mother, Nadia, said that at one point, as she hugged him, an officer admonished her, "Ma'am, you cannot touch him. He has not been searched, and he is still considered a security risk." Then Nadia was searched to make sure that Matthew had not passed her any contraband.

Visit Exotic Toxicland!

Looking for an adventure holiday but find swimming with sharks so yesterday's vacation? Then why not consider sunny Chernobyl? Twenty-two years after a nulear reactor blew its top and rained radiation throughout the area, the region just outside the exclusion zone is a popular recreational destination. Rather than 12-headed bass, you'll find grand lodges and great hunting. Visitors scoff at the high radiation levels found in local game. "It's more contaminated in Kiev," one angler told Canada's Globe and Mail.

Police Blotter

While searching for murder suspect Sterling F. Wolfname, cops in Bilings, Montana ran into someone at a shelter who matched his description. When they asked him if he was Wolfname, the man said he wasn't. The officers concluded he was fibbing when they spotted this tattoo on his head: Wolfname.

New Bailouts Coming

A German man put his luxurious 20-foot yacht up for sale on an online auction site, hoping to get at least $18,500 for it. He made a minor mistake: He forgot to set a minimum bid. In the end, the yacht was sold for $34.65.

Classifieds

• 3 bedroom house for sale: New gas furnace, new wiring and new water heater won't last long!
• Help Wanted: Boiler operator. Previous clinical experience with gynecology patients required.
• Found: Keys at the Diversion Dam rest stop with fob that says "Keys I Haven't Lost Yet."

Check out the article online.

http://www.rd.com/your-america-inspiring-people-and-stories/2008-the-year-in-stupidity/article115310.html

It's highly recommended from someone who could have been included.