Affairs are a common cause of the breakup, some relationships survive an affair but most of them end in a breakup fairly soon after the affair is discovered. As you're reading this post, I'm assuming that you've split up with your ex and an affair is the main reason. I'm also going to assume that you are the guilty party and want to make things right and get your ex back again.

So, just how do you go about rescuing your relationship after something as big as cheating has split you up?

If you ask most people what their reaction would be if they found that their partner or spouse had been having an affair, the vast majority would say that it would finish their relationship, they would breakup immediately.

Most people are also of the opinion that an affair should always end a relationship.

However, as I said above, some relationships survive an affair without breaking up at all, and surprisingly, even more get back together again after a breakup caused by an affair.

There is a problem with these relationships though, because they don't all survive in the long term, the problem is trust. When trust is lost in a relationship it puts a strain on it, and unless the trust is restored, the eventual breakup is inevitable.

Restoring trust in relationships requires an adjustment in attitude and actions. Even after an affair, it is possible to save your relationship. But that starts with ramping up the level of trust within the couple.

If you have had an affair, regardless of the reason, you have had an attitude which allowed you to stray. There may be an underlying cause, something in the relationship's core that is diseased, but you can get past that and heal the disease.

What was it that you were looking for when you strayed? Was the sex humdrum? Was he, or she, too busy for you? Were they just not spending enough time on their grooming? Taking you too much for granted?

You wouldn't have had an affair if the primary relationship was good. So, what needs to be done to fix it? Often it lies in self analysis, you may have a problem of your own to fix. But just as often, it lies in the couple's relationship.

Restoring trust in a relationship means fixing the underlying problems. Sometimes that means going for couple counselling. It can often take an independent counsellor to help you identify the real reasons behind your relationship problems.

But, finding exactly what the problems are, isn't enough. The next step is to take concrete actions in order to fix the problems.

The secret to restoring trust in relationships lies not in talking about the right things, but in doing the right things. Finding out the cause and taking steps to fix it will go a long way towards restoring the trust in your relationship and giving your ex confidence in you again.

After this, one of the biggest things you can do is to make small promises and keep them. Even something as small as promising to take the trash out every evening will do, but then you have to do it, and, do it consistently. When you demonstrate that you can be trusted in the small things, their sense of confidence in you will continue to grow and will be reflected in the larger picture of the relationship.

Your ex is going to need constant reassurance that you have changed. This means that you are going to need to apologise more than once over time. You will also need to treat the recurring comments about the violation of trust as a matter of course. It is not easy for your ex to forgive an affair and you have to understand that and be prepared to be tolerant. If you want to fix the breakup and get your ex back to stay, then you will be need to be very patient with them.

This does not mean that you must feel guilty about the indiscretion forever. In fact, if you allow your ex to constantly guilt trip you, they will not be satisfied in the new relationship you are building. Just be understanding.

Finally, you need to put a positive spin on the incident. Treat it as an opportunity for both of you to grow as individuals and for your relationship to mature. Just as a bone grows stronger at the place it has been broken, a relationship can improve after an affair.

Restoring trust in a relationship after an affair takes time. It requires that you change both your attitudes and actions. But it is possible to heal the divide, fix the breakup and be a stronger couple as a result.

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