The best way of handling a difficult relationship with a family member or friend.
74There is no best way
We are not the same. What works for you, does not have to work for me. The ground rule for me is: be yourself. You can twist yourself in all directions just to keep the peace, but in the long run that's bound to lead to even more frustrations.
My way of handling a difficult relationship with my family
Truth is that there is no relationship anymore. I haven't seen my parents or sister in years. It's a long story.
I grew up in a reasonably harmonious family. I can't say that my parent ever mistreated me. My parents were pretty traditional, though. Spending one Christmas day at home was expected of me and my parents were quite keen on other occasions as well. In due time these felt more like obligations than things I was looking forward to.
I got married. And in the beginning, my wife and I used to do our weekly shopping in a supermarket close to my parents. So we frequently went there for a cup of coffee or so.
But my wife got pregnant. We more and more developed our own rhythm; once my daughter was born it was much more convenient to get our shopping closer by.
To make a long story short, one day I received a letter (a letter, mind you) from my mother in which she expressed her annoyances and frustrations. And on the side she blamed my wife for that. She complained that they didn't see us as often as they used to and implicitly held my wife responsible for that.
I explained that this wasn't true. In fact it was my wife who'd remind me to visit my parents.
There are of course a lot more details, events, etc and in my perception my parents (and later my sister as well) blamed me (and us) for not living our life the way they thought was right.
It even came to the point where my mother suggested that I'd visit my parents with my daughter, but without my wife. I refused. Either you accept me for who I am and accept my choices regarding how and with whom I live my life, or you don't. Apparently they didn't accept that.
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Current status
Over a year ago I moved to a place of my own. My (now ex) wife had found her own place and I bought an apartment. So I sent out a notification by e-mail to all my contacts, including my sister. She replied. She had gathered we had split up and wanted me to know that I could always turn to them if I needed (emotional) support. So I told her (in a friendly way) that I had enough friends around me to talk. It sounds harsh, I am aware of that, but I'm honest and open.
Few months ago, she sent me another e-mail about how she could not imagine that she'd never talk to me again. And how I pictured restoring the contact. Again, I replied friendly. I didn't. Not that I rejected restoring the contact, but I didn't picture it either. I just had no idea. It's been some ten years since we had last seen or spoken to each other, life had continued, I had no idea about how getting in touch would work. And then she sent another e-mail. What I read between the lines, was that she more or less had expected that I would come back and admit that they had been right all the time about my wife. And what I also read, was that she expected me to admit that I had been wrong and had done things wrong. Never in her mail did she express the willingness to accept me as I am. Their way was and is the only way. And any deviation is not good.
So, I replied again. And again I tried to keep it friendly, but without submitting. I explained that I had an open, neutral attitude. I wasn't rejecting anything, but I wasn't eager to restore contact either. Besides, there was contact, wasn't there? We were talking, be it by means of e-mail, weren't we? I haven't heard from her since. And I can live with that.
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Comments
That's why I have decided not to put up with (or argue) their bs. And that's also why I try to give my daughter the certainty that I will not judge her choices.
Thanx for your very comprehensive and carefully considered answer to my request. Very interesting perspective. -Creativita
You're welcome. I don't think a 'simple' how-to can be written for matters such as these. It all depends on the issues and the personalities involved. But I hope my experience has some value :)
I found one!!
You are the prodigal son (according to your family)...but you have no desire to go home and be THAT prodigal son.
At various times, I've shut my family out too. In their own way, they mean well...but except for being bonded by common genes, we don't have a whole helluva lot in common. They once accused me of...you'll like this..."being too deep." :)
I'm not going to give you any advice on this...because there is no set of rules that should or should not be followed. As long as you can ask yourself "should a member of my family die...how would I feel?" and answer it with "I would have no regrets." then you've made a good choice.
Up until now I have no regrets. So far, so good. I recognize that feeling: except for being bonded by common genes, we don't have a whole helluva lot in common. And that only has been confirmed in the past two weeks.
I think you sound angry and somewhat sarcastic in your replies to your sister, no offense intended. Life flies right by, and you and your family and your wife and your child, have all lost a lot of years, whereas you could have all been having a healthy family life. It is sad. Taking stands, accept me as I am, well....what good is that, really any longer? Your family misses you obviously, you need to sit down and talk with them. And while it may feel like they are about "it's our way or else...", you have to be mature enough to let go of that view, because it is kind of childish. Ppl DO have strong beliefs. Your parents obviously felt excluded and were hurt. They obviously hoped for a close family. For your own child's sake, why don't you mend fences and provide a good model of happy, healthy family and extended family? Time is a-wasting! Your parents are not going to live forever. There's been enough separation and sadness. Go in a positive direction, don't persist in the old negative one. You might feel mad that they blamed or didn't accept your wife -- to them I am sure it must seem it is because of who you married that they no longer see you! I am sure to them, it must seem gee if he had married someone else, we would have seen him more. I don't mean to rail at you, but I have dealt with a son's girlfriend not liking me for 3 years and he gets further away and I have tried EVERYTHING. I am glad your wife urges you to see your parents, she sounds nice and mature. But, man, time is wasting and it is a real shame. It is a pointless and unnecessary loss. To be not part of the problem, you have to be part of the solution and do things differently than you have been.
Take your parents' concerns and blame about your wife and reframe their perceptions, talk to them honestly and from the heart, tell them how much it hurt you in the past and now, that they've judged your wife so badly, and tell them how it made you feel. And HEAL it. You won't be sorry you did. Accept that they have anger, live through it, express your own anger, people are all human. Bring your wife to get to know them, ask them to promise to not treat her or think of her badly, and start letting them know your wife, they will probably really like her alot as time goes on. The problem really has been between you and your parents and you and your parents have each been in a vacuum instead of talking together.
Why Angela, I don't know how you come to the conclusion that my replies to my sister have been angry or sarcastic. In fact, I had a someone read my replies before sending them, just to make sure they didn't sound offensive.
What good it is? Well, I can't speak for you, but it's good for me. You may want to read my Letter to my Dad. I guess my mother has read it and I have no idea if my dad got to read it before he passed away, but you will see that I have tried to approach this with an open mind and positive attitude.
Trust me, I've tried to explain how their accusations in my ex-wife's direction have made me feel. It didn't work.
Things are as they are...
And, like I said, I am good with that. If relationships don't work (any longer) naturally, they don't work and it's time to move on. It doesn't mean the relationship is completely bad, it just means that it's over.
That's sad.
What you read between the lines with your sister's email, may not have been at all what she meant. why don't you do some counseling with your Mom and sister, and any other immediate family members? I did not realize your Dad had passed, that's sad. Honestly, I don't think you will be very happy as your life goes on, just having come to the conclusion that there was no way to make it work, or that relationships should "naturally" die. They don't have to! I am sure you know no other way other than what you've tried, and it sounds like you have tried sincerely. But there is help for it. Don't give up.
As a matter of fact I am quite happy Angela. Thank you for your concern, but I'm not going to follow up on your advice. Should my relatives try to contact me again, then again I shall try to approach them open and willing. I don't intend to keep things the way they are, nor do I intend to change them. I am at peace with here and now, the way it is.
stylezink says:
2 years ago
I some what understand your situation; but in my case I submit to my familiy's "bs" a lot of the time. I can't understand how one's family is suppose to be there no matter what through thick & thin, but can't let go of any negatives that may have ocurred and even worse throw it in your face as if you don't have to deal with it already. Pats on the back for keeping your head high and great hub.