Lost in the job hunting jungle

Job hunting is a messy business. Not in the same way that say, taxidermy is a messy business, but nonetheless, if you ever want the opportunity to pursue your career dreams (which may or may not include playing with some really cool, sharp objects) you can't be afraid to get down and dirty. Since you've probably heard about a thousand times to "follow your bliss" (albeit followed by "and you're bliss sure ain't here, so get out!"), let's really consider if you're even ready to engage in hunt for your life's meaning. So let's start at step one, because there's really no reason to spend an evening practicing your creative writing skills while updating your resume (and miss an episode of American Idol) unless you really really really mean it (or unless you've lost your job and you're third grade daughter just got an F on a geography test because she listed "gloom and despair" as her state of residence...but I'll get to that in a minute). So are you truly ready to job hunt? Just take this handy authentic replica of a fake career counseling test to help you determine if it may be time to job hunt:

For the already employed, have you experienced any of the following:

• 1. Your new office looks strangely like the old boiler room.
• 2. Your co-workers have begun talking about you in past tense.
• 3. On Monday morning, your boss held up your resume during a staff meeting and says "Look at this fine specimen of a resume! Wow! You'll have no trouble getting work anywhere!"
• 4. You show up for your annual performance review and your supervisor greets you with "Oh, you're still here?" when you enter.
• 5. After working for a company for two months, you discover that you have the most seniority.
• 6. Your new boss shows up at a meeting dressed in leather and greets you with, "We gonna have some fun now."
• 7. You find yourself working in a department where every Friday night they go out for drinks after work and "get something pierced."
• 8. Your company is so cheap they promise you a laptop, but give you an Etch-a-sketch.
• 9. A reporter from the National Enquirer calls to confirm stories about you from last company Christmas party.
• 10. You enter your boss' office determine to get a raise and leave with a company mug and the need for six months of therapy.
• 11. You arrive at a meeting discussing the company's financial struggles and the CEO states, "Trust me! I used to work for Enron."
• 12. For your birthday your boss gives you a framed copy of the Fifth Amendment.

For the currently unemployed

Now I haven't completely forgotten my unemployed friends (and these days, that number seems to be growing). Do any of these sound familiar:

• 1. When the ads for truck drivers interrupts your favorite daytime drama, do you find yourself actually picturing yourself "behind the wheel of a big rig"?
• 2. Do you know more about Oprah's life than your own children's?
• 3. Do peanut butter and jelly sandwiches comprise more than one square meal a day for you?
• 4. After completing a dot-to-dot Ronald McDonald do you flip the placemat over and draw a blank when the job application asks for your past employer?
• 5. When visiting your in-laws do you notice growing contempt in their voices when they ask "Are you still holding out for management?"
• 6. In the past month has your spouse insisted you attend any meetings in which your intro begins something like this: "Hello, I'm Lynne Smelser and I'm addicted to Amway..... Hey, anyone want to become a millionaire? I know how. No, really I do... aw c'mon. I really do."
• 7. Were your toddler's first words, "Check's in the mail"?
• 8. Have you eaten more mac-n-cheese in the past month than Kraft could hold in one of its warehouses?
• 9. Have your parents stopped asking you to call, and when you do phone they always seem to be "on their way out the door"?
• 10. Has your minister begun refusing to allow the offering plate to pass by you unsupervised?
• 11. Do you have Dr. Laura on your speed dial?
• 12. Do your children write "State of unemployment" for their return address?

ANSWER KEY

Regardless of the quiz you took, rate yourself according to the number of statements that applied to you:

1-3: Get out the want ads

4-7: Get out the want ads NOW

8-11: Get out the want ads and don't stop to read the comics

12: Beg your family for forgiveness; and practice saying the words "Would you like fries with that?"

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Career Tune Up

Take a moment and try the following:

1. Think. Even if you have been unemployed and a desperate, take a few moments to really think about what you want to do with your life. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses, you likes and dislikes.
2. Learn. Do some research about the different types of careers that may fit you personally. One good resource is the Online Occupational Outlook Handbook (found at: http://www.bls.gov/oco/)
3. Act. Take conscious steps towards the career that you think may be a good fit for you. Even if you're not sure, keep taking action and progressing-that's the only way you'll learn if a potential career is the right one for you.