The language of infidelity

Social scientists, like Benjamin Whorf have long known that language effects how we think. The very words we choose to express ourselves shape and determine our thinking about it. The words we choose can give us hopes or remove all hope. When it comes to affairs, there are many terms that express the situation and the various issues that are involved.

The very words that are chosen often determine whether or not the act is one that can be worked through or whether there has been permanant damage that can never be recovered from. When viewed as a 'problem', the implication is that there is a solution. When viewed as a trauma or tragedy, the emphasis is on the severity of the event and its pain, with little hope of a soultion. Trauma and tragedy are terms that connote pain, rather than a challenging situation that can be overcome. The very words "trauma" and "tragedy" carry with them a 'victimhood' mentality. Victims are often not problem solvers. The word victim carries with it associations of sacrifice and destruction.

Adultery-Use of this term connotes that someone has diluted the relationship. It indicates that the relationship has been damaged. It has been defiled or ‘debased’. When a precious metal was debased, some cheaper metal was joined with the precious substance. In a similar way, adultery is when the precious relationship that existed has been changed by watering it down with a cheaper material. The term was used for when a married man violated the marriage bed with a married woman.

Adultery is also a term associated with Biblical applications. Those practicing adultery are known as adulterers. The term adultery was also used when someone left the faith of following God. It was often associated with idolatry and idolatrous acts. Another ancient use of the term was when someone grafted trees in an unnatural manner. It was considered a form of adultery since it was an unnatural union of the two plants.

In many States, adultery is technically a crime, although it is rarely prosecuted. When adultery occurs, it is sufficient in courts to serve as grounds for divorce. In some states, the cheating spouse is given a smaller portion of the property.

One form of adultery was “lewdness”. Lewdness referred to the unlawful indulgence of lust. This term would cover acts with the unmarried or disloyal acts that are now days seen in strip clubs or with pornography addictions.

Infidelity-Use of this term connotes that someone has been disloyal. Fidelity is the idea of loyalty. The United States Marine Corps prides itself on the motto “Semper Fidelis”, which is Latin for Always Loyal. This is the anti-type for infidelity. The term expresses that someone has violated an oath or pledge. In medieval times, subjects often pledged their loyalty to a king or sovereign with an “oath of fealty”. In modern terms that would be called an oath of loyalty. The violator of that oath was an 'infidel'. (The term infidel has been itself adulterated in modern vernacular. It now means 'someone who has not accepted a particular religious viewpoint on matters' which is a present actions rather than the old version which consisted of someone who made a concious choice to violate an oath they had taken on some matter. The confusion centers on the matter of choice involved in a violation of vows.)

The term infidelity is also used to describe someone who has not only left their oath, but also carries with it the idea that they have left the ‘faith’ of the relationship. In some cases the term is applies in a Biblical sense for someone who has left the faith of their religion. This may seem to be strong language for an affair, yet the trauma of a spouse being disloyal and abandoning the marriage vows is also an abandonment of their faith in the mutual relationship they had pledged themselves to. The term also referred to the total abandonment of the faith that existed either in the marriage or the religious belief. Since relationships involve faith and trust, the breach in that is often experienced as a either a loss of faith or loss of trust.

The more modern term is using the term, “affair”. The word makes the action sound like a business deal without any emotional commitment. Ironically, the word itself comes from a Latin root word meaning to “be driven, or urged”. So without intending it to be, it means to feel driven or urged into an action. In this case it is an act of violating the marriage vows and indulging in unlawful carnal knowledge. So the modern definition would be, "a relationship or interaction which is experiencied as the result of being driven or urged into indulging in unlawful carnal knowledge".

Other terms used that are intended to take the emotional and judgmental aspects of what happened seem acceptable are “flings” or “One night stands”. These terms connote that chance played a role in what occurred. That what happened was without any intent. Where these terms become fun is when the question is asked, who was flung? Or who was stood upon? The term one night stand carries with it control issues and performance connotations. The ancient wisdom was that “out of the heart, the mouth speaks”. Could it be that even in the way that people refer to their infidelity, they are giving clues as to how they view the act and what it means to them?

The bottom line of what you call an affair is this.

"An affair is an affair is an affair!".