Dear Neighbor,

I am writing to you in hopes of resolving some issues that I have with the way things are (and have been for the last couple years) being to the south of your property. Over the years I have attempted to be civil, even to befriend you, for the sake of sharing a property line with you and your family. While the friendship never seemed to go anywhere, my distaste definitely has continued to grow.

The first problem I wish to address is the camper that sits in your yard. It has been there for years. I've often wondered if someone has taken up residence in it. I'm guessing it is not currently drivable, as one of the tires is flat, and there are various things hanging out from under the hood. There is also an old, rusty water heater leaning up next to it. What is in your yard is your business, but since I see it every time I go out into my own backyard, I feel it has become my business, too. Would it be possible to at least put a tarp over it or something? I pulled into my driveway the other afternoon and thought it had been moved to your driveway. For a few minutes, I rejoiced, thinking that you were going to be using it, or even selling it. My joy was quickly squelched: it turns out, the camper in the driveway was a SECOND camper for my viewing pleasure. Two immobile campers on one property! As outdoorsy as they both appear, inspiring visions of the great outdoors, camping in remote parts of our beautiful state and enjoying the overall awe of nature, seeing them sitting there, going nowhere, kind of drives me a little bit crazy. The adventure has all but evaporated for these less than stellar campers.

Secondly, the attempt at keeping your yard 'fenced off' has definitely missed the mark. Last I checked, chicken wire didn't qualify as proper fencing. Temporary fencing, maybe, but again, the chicken wire has been up for at least 3 years. We finally put up our own chain link fence, but can still see the bent, low, almost useless chicken wire, surrounding your backyard. Now there are not any chickens back there, or any other livestock that I can see. And chicken wire less than a foot off the ground, bent inward around your grass does nothing to keep anything in, so I'm betting it's performance in keeping anything out is also coming up a bit short. Your son could definitely step over the chicken wire and escape if he so desired, as could a kidnapper easily step into the yard, and grab him without even putting both feet on the ground. If this poorly designed fencing is supposed to keep him contained, you might want to rethink it.

Your son leads to the last quandary that has me troubled. I'm sure given the proper attention and supervision he deserves, Little Johnny would be a bit more behaved. However, since he is in the backyard alone almost every time we go outside, I feel as though the supervision has fallen into my court. He constantly yells, "Neighbor! Neighbor! Neighbor!" at the top of his lungs until I acknowledge him. He questions what we are doing, eating, playing with, even who is with us when we have guests over. When my 9 month old is inside sleeping, he asks where the baby is. He yells, "Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!" until my daughter walks over to the fence. When I tell him she needs to stay in our yard, and remind her to stay put, she looks at me and complies. Little Johnny ignores me, and starts up on the "LUCY! LUCY! LUCY, come here!" again. All of this with no response from any adults on your side of the property - I have to wonder what you are doing inside that you cannot hear Little Johnny screaming. Running the vacuum? Testing out a new set of earplugs? Maybe you took ten tablespoons of NyQuil, and have slipped into a temporary coma.

It's come to the point that we do not enjoy being in our backyard. When Lucy runs up to the fence to converse with Little Johnny, he sometimes throws rocks at her. The other day he had a toy gun, and was waving it around, BANG BANG, you're dead! We have a hard time enjoying our backyard when a 4-year-old constantly yells at us. More unfortunate for us, Little Johnny's running amok continues, as there is no reprimanding on your side of the fence, because you are nowhere to be found! Last weekend, Little Johnny was running around in the front yard, unsupervised, with only a diaper on. Maybe I'm wrong, but don't kiddos that are 4 wear underwear? Later on that afternoon, Little Johnny showed up in your backyard with a shirt on, but the diaper was gone. It wasn't really something we wanted to see in our own backyard while enjoying hamburgers.

I realize that our neighborhood has no HOA, and what you keep in your backyard is entirely up to you. Without guidelines dictating our properties, it's easy to get a little carried away with the appearance of your yard (or complete disregard of, for that matter). But I know for a fact you rent your house, and doesn't the landlord have concerns with the trashy state of his property? And how you raise your child is also your own business. However, since I am constantly having to remind him not to throw rocks, yell at us, or ask Lucy to approach the fence, I feel that attaching a bill to this letter is completely reasonable. You should be thanking me for babysitting Little Johnny while you do God-knows-what inside your house, oblivious to his constant interaction with me and my family.

I thank you in advance for addressing these matters at your earliest convenience, and look forward to a camper-free, quieted-down-Little-Johnny neighborly experience very soon!

Sincerely,

Your neighbor (and babysitter) right next door