When I was young, classical music was a given in our home. Mom played symphony records and great choral works by the likes of Benjamin Britten and John Taverner, Robert Parsens and Antonio Vivaldi. If she wasn't playing records, the radio was filling the silence. Or we three kids were playing records. The proliferation of music in our lives was so significant, my brother spends his retirement helping to build a company rated number one by audiophiles, called Stillpoints.

Mom and Dad sang in the choir at our Lutheran Church. Our life revolved around choir concerts, Sunday morning schedules and rehearsals as well as pageants. In other words, my siblings and I knew beyond a doubt that music was my mother's passion. And that taking voice lessons was her one regret.

Therefore I reacted with deep astonishment when I was told that my mother was trapped in a world void of her passion.

My mother goes in and out of dementia at age 81. She lives in a world where birds fluff their feathers in a bird bath and squirrels quarrel over acorns. She was never a fighter. The largess of her heart gave her generosity of spirit. So when her new husband kept turning off the music, she honored him and stopped flipping on the switch.

Studies show that music therapy maintains and even improves cognitive, physical and emotional skills in cases of dementia. Why would my stepfather consider turning off the music?

My dear stepfather is auditory defensive.  He insisted I shut off the car radio as I drove along the freeway following a family reunion.  When I refused, afraid I would fall asleep with no stimulation, he had a mini-temper tantrum.  Once I discovered the music was being piped into the back seat and switched the sound to the front, he settled down and fell asleep.

Auditory defensive people experience pain when music is played too loud. Vacuuming, noise from a disposal, even the sound of a dishwasher causes them to cringe. My stepfather does all the dishes by hand- a behavior we siblings considered weird until the reality of auditory defensiveness was considered.

While music empowers Alzheimer patients, energizing and stimulating them, noise of any sort causes auditory defensive elders to panic and leave the room.  My mother's quality of life would improve with music, but my stepfather's life would become a living hell.

My mother struggles with dementia. Studies have shown that music helps elderly with similar issues organize their thoughts and become more grounded. Music does this by:

1. Unlocking blocks to buried memories which help the elderly share stories both pleasurable and painful. Telling these stories is both healing and energizing.

2. Music functions as a mirror, allowing listeners to see what they are feeling but not lose control of it. In other words, music helps listeners work through their feelings and overcome them. In the case of loneliness, music fills the silence and relieves the anxiety associated with being alone.

3. Music creates meaning for the listener because it generates a series of internal responses that are invaluable. By placing his or her own thoughts, images, associations, emotional experiences, sense impressions, physical reactions and logical thoughts into a framework that does not demand any particular response, an individual can integrate what was incoherent, according to Lehtonen and Rechardt- two researchers in the phenomenon of Music Therapy.

If my stepfather wishes to help Mom stay present, it would behoove him to work something out in the musical realm.

"Compromise is when one person wants to rob a bank and the other person does not, and they compromise to rob a person outside of the bank."  Christopher Myers

What can be done?  Michael Russell has said, "Sometimes it can be a really great feeling to be unselfish and do something just for your spouse."  In my stepfather's case, however, this compromise causes physical pain.  What to do?

For my part, I am sharing the information I have researched with my stepfather. He doesn't have access to a computer and so I am snail mailing him what I have found about music therapy, with these suggestions:

1. Ray leaves Mom alone often, as he is very social. Rather than leave her in a silent house, he can make it a habit to flip on the stereo every time he leaves. This gives Mom the message that music is okay to listen to when he is gone. She has forgotten that she can even turn the music on at all. She needs his help in this.

2. Mom can play music when she is in her own car, driving somewhere.

3. Ray can set the stereo to a level of music he can tolerate. Surely there is some level that is appropriate, as he does attend music performances and sporting events without much trouble.

It seems I am laying all the action on Ray's shoulders. But Mom has lost the ability to fend for herself. She needs him to initiate this. Perhaps over time, she will begin to take control again.