The Best Ways to Say "I'm Sorry"

Apologizing after I've screwed up big time with my husband Alex is the just about hardest thing for me. Feelings of pride, self-righteousness, and self-defense are strong in me (duh!), and admitting I was wrong sometimes puts me in a too-vulnerable position. I hate to do it. I hate to be wrong, and I sure as hell hate to be vulnerable!

You're probably the same way.

So how do you say "I'm sorry" and move on after you've horribly (or even not-so-horribly) hurt your sweetie? Well, the words themselves are a pretty good beginning. They're even better when you add what you did to the sentence - just so he or she knows exactly what you're apologizing for. Say, "I'm sorry I forgot or anniversary," or "I'm sorry I lost my temper last night."

It helps if, before you apologize, to try to spend some quiet time alone honestly analyzing why you did what you did. For example, the other night Alex and I got into a fight triggered by, of all things, something clumsy (but unintentional) our two-year-old did. Suddenly we were cleaning up the ensuing physical mess and blaming each other. At full volume. Given enough time to calm down and ask myself "what the hell was up with you, Rhomylly?" I came to the following conclusions: one, he threw a towel at me (because he was pissed) and that one small act triggered a domestic violence survivor's rage. I'm not proud of my reaction, but it's what happened. Two, my parents recently visited. My first husband David and I used to fight, twenty-five years ago, whenever I'd recently spent time around my mother; he claimed I would act more like her for a while. Since my mother is a control freak who alternately and constantly blames, overshadows, and totally dismisses my father as an irrelevant, stupid, waste of space without even realizing she's doing so, this is not exactly a compliment. And since Alex was basically telling me the same thing - that I was acting like my mother - I really had to sit down and give that some serious thought. The next morning, once we were calm, I told him he was right - and that I was sorry.

Also, a small token of affection would not be amiss when you're apologizing. The next morning after our fight, Alex took the whole family out to breakfast at our daughter's favorite Scottish restaurant - McDonald's. This means I was spared my daily battle to get my daughter to eat something, anything before noon. Plus, we all started our day actually sitting down together as a family, which, with our schedules, doesn't happen as often as I'd like. It was a small thing, but it meant a lot to me. Buy him a CD by his favorite artist. Take her to a movie. A tangible token of your remorse will go a long way.

Hugs and cuddling help soothe the hurt, too, and make the "I'm sorry" more effective, along with the words, the self-reflection, and the small monetary gesture of apology. Don't be surprised, though, if she cries on your shoulder, or if he hangs on to you a little harder than he usually does.

But the best, best way to say "I'm sorry," and mean it, is to learn from your mistake and work hard not to repeat it. That will mean more to your sweetie than words or a gift ever will - believe me!