The Ugliest Guys in Sports

What is the Deal With this Guy? Is he Drunk or is he just Profoundly Retarded?

I am 100% serious. Every time I see this dude speak, he butchers the English language worse than George W. Bush. He stumbles, he stammers, he spits, he even drools. Sometimes he looks like he just wet his Depends. Seriously, what is the deal with our Baseball Commissioner? It's as if Congress passed a midnight law that requires all major public institution leaders to have an IQ under 83.

And God, does he have one ugly mug. OH. It's Horrible! Horrible!! His bug eyes and his wildly flapping jaw, slogging about the loose skin on his non-existent chin. This guy is so ugly that when he walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras. "F*ck it! We'll get robbed, just don't make us look at that ugly head on the closed circuit, Nooo!!!!!"

Here's a little known fact: Randy Johnson's parents are actually a Pelican and Rodan. Yeah, the Japanese horror flick monster. Swear to God. Little known fact.

It was really the Mullet with Randy. When he came over to the Yankees and cut it off, his overall grossness rating dropped from a 9.2 to a 7.6. But now that he is back in Arizona, I think we all are really hoping that he grows it back. If he does, he will leap from ninth to at least third or fourth on next year's Ugly Man List. And we all know how competitve Randy is. So count on the mullet. That, and another year of aging under that hot Phoenix sun oughtta help Randy fully reach his ugliness potential.

I was a little kid when I first saw Jim Plunkett. After a few seconds of staring at him, I turned to may father, and asked: "Daddy, what's wrong with that man's face?" I realize now how horrible that sounds, but I was maybe six years old. You know kids.

Now that I am 38, I can approach this with more tact and maturity: what the hell is wrong with Jim Plunkett's face? Did he smash it into an oncoming VW Van? Is that what happened? Or is he really a mysterious pig-man? Because something went wrong. Not an attractive man. Great QB. Real Ugly, though. Ugly as a mortal sin.

Larry Legend. The Hick from French Lick. Basketball Jesus. Whatever you wanna call him, a slick nickname won't change the fact that Larry looks like the offspring of a Yak who mated with a Llama. How can a man have a pompadour and a mullet at the same time? Easy.

I never liked Larry when he played. Not just because I was a Sixers fan, but because I couldn't bear to hold my gaze on the screen whenever he was playing.

Conventional wisdom says that once Mike Ricci retires, Ryan Smyth will be the NHL's Ugliest Man. Well, I buck conventional wisdom every day of my life, and I say that Smyth is already the Ugliest Man in Hockey right now. Look at the picture below. Look at that mullet. Study the horrid facial hair, the smashed nose, the uneven eyes and that classic Ichabod Chrane jawline. Don't tell me that Ricci is any worse off than this guy. No way. Sadly, Ryan has left the aging Ricci behind.

But, on a happier note, congratulations Ryan! You are the Ugliest Man in Hockey.

Great Player. Legendary Competitor. Race track fixture. But let's face it, Pete is so ugly that he has to sneak up on his own mirror. The worst thing about Pete is that he's "Dumb Ugly." You know what I mean? By contrast, take Otis Nixon, now he is just plain scary ugly. Otis is like the Devil in your dreams. But Pete, he has this stupid ugly look that he gets sometimes, usually when some reporter is busting him up about betting on a few dog races.

Yeah, Pete is an ugly dude. Sometimes I think that it's his hair, and not his gambling, that has kept Pete Rose out of Cooperstown all these years.

For my Big Ugly Dork, I am going with Bryant Reeves. Oh, I had a lot of competition here. Why is it that most Big White Guys are so pale and mushy and gross, anyway? Just take a look at Greg Ostertag. Or Eric Montross. Or Will Perdue. During the 1990's, Perdue joined Bill Wennington and Luc Longley to form the Bulls' Three-Headed Monster of Ugly White Centers. Yuck. Well, Reeves was sort of like a Will Perdue, except with an even worse haircut, 100 extra pounds, and a face that made Perdue actually look pretty. See, Will? I am not such a bad guy.

Anyway, back to Reeves. Well, let's just say that he'll never need to buy a costume on Halloween. Let's just say that when he was visiting Australia, he threw a boomerang and it didn't come back. Of course it didn't. The poor thing was scared to death! Bryant's Final Ranking on the Ugg-O-Meter is a cool 8.7. He said he hopes to move up higher in the standings next year. He plans to gain 50 pounds and have another industrial accident

Don't feel guilty. It's crossed all of our minds. Sal looks like a basset hound.

Unfortunately, just not one who is this cute.

Sometimes I think Sal may have gotten beaned in the face about 134 times.

He is so ugly that his shadow is afraid of its shadow.

This dude looks like he's been cracking open clams with his yap for the past twenty years.

Even I can't say anything bad about this guy. It's just too mean. But I will give a score to this young fella: an Overall Ugliness Score of 9.625! That makes him this year's Most Unattractive Male Athlete. In addition to being able to hold himself out under that title, Ronaldinho will take home a bunch of great gifts and prizes.