You will find the following to be a list I have compiled of behaviors and actions deemed inappropriate for memorial services, graveside ceremonies, and other funerary events intended to commemorate and celebrate the lives of the dead. I am speaking from experience here, and I have personally witnessed these things. I now impart this knowledge onto you in the hopes that you will make it through a funeral without breaking time-honored traditions, making a fool of yourself, or embarrassing those around you. But parts of this list are meant to entertain! Lord knows that I was laughing (inside) when I saw some of these things :)

• Dress appropriately. Do not wear bright-colored sweatpants or pajama bottoms to a funeral.
• Avoid wearing mismatching garments. Just because all of your articles of clothing are solid black, that does not mean they look good together. Please look in the mirror before you leave the house.
• Do not make a huge effort to wear all-black. Only the widow really does that and it's an old tradition anyway.
• Do not take on the role as the funeral "skank". No matter how cute you think your miniskirt and fishnet stockings are, you will feel like an idiot when the old man with Alzheimer's sitting behind you boldly declares to the congregation that you must be wearing a thong because he can see your cheeks.
• Do not wear stiletto heels to the cemetery. If you do, you will hear the funeral directors giggling behind you as you sink into the cemetery lawn with every step. Then you'll be forced to stand on a flat headstone or on your toes the whole time.
• Avoid grabbing the microphone and giving excessively long "memory" speeches. The funeral isn't about you, and the elderly incontinent attendees will be hard-pressed to endure your incessant jabbering.
• Do not climb into the casket! I understand the serious emotional turmoil of the grieving process, but climbing on top of you dead friend/relative probably won't make you feel better.
• Do not drink alcohol before (or during) the funeral and expect to give a coherent speech or accurately sing the simple lyrics to Amazing Grace. Here's what I mean...

• Do NOT get drunk at the graveside ceremony and get all of your inebriated friends to climb into the back of the hearse while the funeral directors aren't looking then crank up the radio and drive the hearse around the cemetery while the gravedigger finishes burying your friend. Man that pissed me off!!! I'll never forget that day!

There are obviously many more inappropriate behaviors out there. These are just some of the most memorable ones I have witnessed. I'm sure I will see many many more off-the-wall funeral behaviors. I mean, hey, every mortician needs something to look forward too :)