Half the people I know are stupid.

Unlike most tools who might as well be wearing Nazi armbands, the tools I know will put them on, and then be OUTRAGED and CONFUSED that Jews are looking at them with disgust.

What the hell's his problem? says the male tool.

What the hell's his problem? says the lady tool, both in tears and defensive.

Huh. Stupid AND laden with phony outrage? That's sure a curveball!

Now let me get this straight pal, you're saying that you will soon get to be up every day at midnight and five in the morning to change the diapers of a child that actually has half this woman's recessive traits? Uh...yup...I'm jealous. Now I'm jealous.

Writers are the new Native Americans.

We were here first, we impressed people with nothing but a pen and a brain.

The rest of the world -- tools -- built themselves up to try to exclude us from employment and opportunity.

Oh we all have advantages and disadvantages to our situation, but only are cool people going to be acceptable to discriminate against in 10 years, 100 years, 1000. Anyone with a sexual orientation or race difference...has not only lots and lots of sympathizers and others going through their deal who are right down the street, but official policy will always be to locate OTHER reasons to hate someone then genetics.

Cool people will simply get attacked under the belief that it's a choice.

No.

Cool is like homosexuality.

It's genetic as well.

Sometimes we don't figure out we got coolness until we're older.

When we discover it, we get depressed because we know there's no other cool people around...except traitors who manage Starbucks.

Because it's often not evident when we're three, tools assume cool people are making a CHOICE to be cool. No.

And so...as sore losers...tools try to exclude both gays and cool people from American life.

They do it by making the world seem far too uncomfortable for us to live in.

In the early 20th century they banned heroin because of all the railroad workers who would come from China and work for less. Up until then, heroin was the key ingredient in cough syrup. It was so important for tools to exclude the Chinese from a half-decent life in the days of Manchurian-Japanese conflict, that they were willing to live with headaches.

The idea that a tool's life doesn't make a tool's head hurt...you get the idea.

Then they did the same thing with all other drugs except alcohol.

Tools are surrounded by basketball players, so they've made it the mainstream measuring tool of a man's athletic prowess -- to be how much he bench-presses.

Any tinge of being around black people makes a tool worried -- for that girl they love might see a guy who has no urban influence and blow him instead.

Make the country uncomfortable. Not unfair, not racist, America is in fact the fairest land I've ever seen in my LIFE when it comes to ethnic origin, religion, ancestry, even financial situation. But what America most definitely is not...is comfortable.

There are so many tools in America.

You can hold conversations with alot of them, but only if you're willing to be bored.

This is a way to make professional conversation starters such as writers...vastly uncomfortable.

A tool thinks the word "random" somehow applies to either people or conversation topics.

They try to take every conversation and interaction to be like administering a college exam. It doesn't matter how you respond. What they want is a direct answer to their long-winded, half-retarded excuse for a competent question.

See? Writers and school don't mix. And their grandparents know this.

A tools initiative, in summation, is to make things uncomfortable in the hopes that non-tools will disappear from the United States.

This is why, since writers are not in charge, everything a writer hates to do is viewed as something that HAS to be done.

Everything a writer hates to endure is viewed as something we all MUST endure.

That's bullshit.

Nobody's making these inbred horseflies have to tolerate cigarettes, good television, or a single day in their idea of the life where any of us can sleep more then five-and-a-half hours.

Nobody's banning alcohol or organized religion or handguns.

They figured if they were cruel and exclusive first...they could make it seem like they had any right to be judging anyone to begin with.

They need every single resource at their disposal in order to, essentially, work every day for the rest of their lives while a successful writer spends his days in Europe without shoes on.

This lumps aspiring authors in the same category as the "black penis" in reasons why the fearful corporate world was established and corrupts the young and anyone in its wake.

All tools did to avoid all this madness...was not daydream.

Tools propose to their girlfriends because its the only way they can hope to assure that she'll remain faithful. Use that in your variation, depending on how big of a dick you are.

Tools also pine for girls that wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole, and then think they're going to blame YOU for not being able to get with her. He will wait for any excuse. Apologize for the terrible joke you uttered, but point out what's happening.

The female companions of tools don't actually like their boyfriends. Or respect them in the least. What they like and respect -- is the routine and tasks they're enduring.

The thing to understand is that all tools have something scientifically in common -- they don't want friends, they want agents. Like insecure girls. You see when we're in charge of anything, as men, we make it something that women would want to be into so that they'd be into us. That means you're damn right I'm going to take a woman's tendencies to go by her Animal-Planet-based innate instincts and feelings into deep consideration. The result is something that is a) deeply thought provoking:) and b) assholish to a degree. Boom and boom. You can tell I'm confident and dickish and yet I still ENHANCE the fun of the company in the room. You see? All these hours of free entertainment have helped you during your time of anger at a tool(s). Well...a tool looks at the man-woman chauvinistic dynamic, assuming that if you act for the majority you'll get them all (which is kind of definition of chauvinism), and he sees something totally different. He sees a situation where a) he should be a boss and b) he should make sure to pay his workers as little as possible and c) act like it's the way of the world, and thus everyone else is crazy for telling him it's not like this in 50 percent of America. This is his idea of what it means to take advantage of legalized female tendencies. In Iraq, there were tons of tools. TONS. Oh sue me. TONS. You want proof? War when Hussein was ousted. WHAT?! Yeah. Iraq consisted of so many warring jackoffs that Saddam Hussein being in power turned out to be the best thing Iraq could hope for. You see how they acted when the husband wasn't beating them? I REFUSE to be one of those assholes! And I get mad as hell if I lose a girl to an abusive nothing no-talent tool. Like...when you want a girl, she likes someone else, then suddenly changes her mind and likes you, shouldn't you...NOT get with her? Just to sting her back? Well a tool sees this moment as his opportunity to BE a sloppy seconds! To go and take her and parade her around and pay for her lunch! This is why tools get their girlfriends snatched away by their best friends and don't do anything about it. Like insecure girls, they live by the adage that garnering no respect is better then loneliness. And this is basis for how they act. And this is why people who instead will one day grow to HAVE an agent, musicians and actors and such, are continuously outcasts in suburbs and white-trash communities and ghettos and essentially everywhere Adolf Hitler is appreciated in secret. Women don't date people going through their same issues, just like a guy who's still struggling with getting basic recognition from his local peer group wants to crush someone like you...who wants recognition in a national and international sense.

1) Compliment them on something they know you know they suck at.

2) Point out how their inability to live up to the hype they demand is leading to all their friends vanishing, because their friends are only there to use them. They discover that part of your gimmick is image, THEY'RE going to feel as conned and duped as a chick is supposed to be.

3) They usually have three friends around them when they say something really toolish. All you have to do is point out how one day he's going to meet someone who is going to snatch his girl and won't let him buddy up with him afterwards the way the other three are. This should cause such a rippled division in their little gang of no-dribbling bitches that you didn't even have to be up on the major gossip to do so.

4) Make up a dollar value for something that he owes you. Inform him that he's not getting out of the building today until you see that money. And if he dares threaten to call security, you'll tell him what you know about "a certain someone".Don't tell him who. Hell...YOU don't even know who.

5) Turn to his friends and smirk and simply say "Oh you guys are so...bad." This will mind-screw a tool so bad he might shoot you.

6) As this sinks in, and his life crumbles, tell him it's because he "was always such an expert at that kind of stuff."

7) Whenever he cuts out of something early, always accuse him of being too scared of whatever the worst thing that could possibly happen at the next event could be.

8) Say nothing. Just look him up and down.

9) If he says something to your boss to the extent of "He's a nice guy I just don't think he has any experience," look at him and tell him "You're seven years older, went to (insert major) school, and yet we're doing the exact same thing at the same exact point in time." When he says with alarm "We're not doing the same thing! I'm one of your supervisors!" You simply smirk and say "Don't you think there's something really pathetic about the fact that you have to remind people of that?"

10) If it's a girl, look her up and down...but with disgust. The disgust component has two parts. You have to first look up at her slowly with your eyes bulging...then look up and down at her in disgust, as if the point that could win the argument is something only an absolute cretin would point out. This will get them. They'll think you mean to say "HOW IS THE UGLIEST CHICK IN THE ROOM GIVEN DIPLOMACY TO JUDGE ANYBODY?!"

11) But be careful, ladies and gentlemen. Tools delight in hiding behind rules. This is how they can take your house through committee and justify being a tough guy. It doesn't take a nine year old boy to understand the way to really end up in trouble with a tool is to pick on the girlfriend thing. He'll be relying on this to be his lone arguing point as he starts up with your little brother when you guys are 20, you're neck deep in unfinished manuscripts you're trying to finish before the end of college, and he's a beta boy in the Alpha house, a walking hard on that often has to find a dorm girl who buys that her freckles make her look like a Muppet.

12) Wouldn't you like to know what I did with Muppet girl.

13) Honestly, I don't even have a job or a car or a residence, and you still consider me competition? That's sad.

14) Bitch if I was HOMELESS you better respect me.

And now for what happens when you're dealing with tools that could kick your butt...
http://hubpages.com/hub/A-HALLOWEEN-STORY-YOU-HAVE-TO-READ