I profess to know very little about the fine art of romance, even less about chick flicks and nothing about the subtle emotional calculations involved in finding a "soul mate". Nevertheless, I feel as qualified as anybody to write a "How to guide on marriage proposals and declarations of love". America loves advice, we slurp it up. Oprah lectures us about weight loss, Brad Pitt charms his way through an interview about commitment and Simon Cowell evaluates talent by calling contestants idiots. These folks are pop icons, sages of the 21st century. Why not me? I may be romantically challenged, emotionally insensitive and a quart short of doggy doo doo, but in the words of Forest Gump, "I know what love is". Therefore, in no particular order, I have listed the best of my insights and babblings on proposals and such things.

One of my favorite movies of all time is "Dumb and Dumber". In one pivotal scene the lead character, played by Jim Carrey, asks the object of his affection, what his chances are. Could she see herself with a guy like him? Needless to say the odds given were not high. What did this poor bloke do? Did he mope or question her sanity? Absolutely not! He embraced delusion. "So you're telling me there's a chance". The man gets it. Love is much better in fantasy land than in real life. If, by chance, she would have returned his affection, he would have soon learned that the chase was much better than the actual item.

If you want the prize you have to take the chance. A chance is a chance, not a sure thing, reality suggests that rejection can always occur. Knowing that there is always a chance that you will blow it completely and go down in a ball of hydrogen induced flames, may I suggest that you go big. Don't settle for intimate, quiet or secluded settings; make your case in front of a throng of strangers, in the largest public theatre you can find. If she rejects you, then everyone will know about it and it will save you from answering all of those stupid questions about what happened.

Now, if you watched the last clip, you noticed that the guy (just rejected) walked off the court depressed, full of remorse and frankly like a sissy. This is not the way to go out. If you go big, get rejected and get sent home, why try to walk off with dignity. In these types of situations you can't go halfway. Make a complete fool of yourself. Throw a tempertantrum and meltdown into a blithering mess of tears and furry.

Look, you probably worked really hard on the marriage proposal...five, ten minutes maybe even half and hour. Don't let her look of complete shock, disgust and sheer terror stop you. Finish what you started and let the pieces fall where they may. In fact, I advise, don't look at her at all when you propose, it will throw you off your game.

The only thing to fear when proposing is rejection. That's why I advise not to start dating in the first place. Nothing ventured, nothing gained makes total sense... except when talking about women. But, reality gets in the way and sooner or later most men succumb to the whole love thing. I guess, when is all is considered, the safest way to propose to a girl is to send her the ring along with the address of the church and the wedding date. Just drive by the church on the wedding date, if her car is in the parking lot, it's a go... if the car isn't there, just keep driving.