When people are planning to get married there are all kinds of things to talk about - the wedding plans, the future home, whether or not to have children and when. The list goes on and on, but the trouble can be that that long list doesn't include a few of the most basic things; and it can sometimes be one or more of those most basic things that can eventually lead to problems (sometimes big ones).

The following are some of those "most basic things". These are things that may not matter much (if at all) when all is going well. When they can begin to matter is when things are going as smoothly as is ideal. They can play some role in minor differences between you; but the real problem they can pose is when life brings difficulties (even when you're both on the same side) that make the "more ingrained" parts of our natures reveal themselves. The list is not a complete one, and it doesn't include many of the things people don't very often overlook. The list ahead is a list of those things that may often be overlooked.

Birth Order in Your Childhood Families

Talk about whether you were a first born, middle, or fourth child in a family of six; and what you feel that "did to you". Talk about the spacing between you and your siblings. If you are an only child talk about what impact (positive or negative) you believe that had on you. Don't read books about birth order as your frame of reference for this discussion. They only get it right some of the time. Instead, use what you know about your own experience and the ways you believe your birth order had an impact on your personality.

Then talk about the things in the other personality that you believe could be the result of birth order. This one may be difficult because it can mean finding a polite way to tell your fiance you believe that because s/he is the oldest child with a seven-year-younger sibling s/he has grown up feeling a bit like a "Big Cheese"; or else telling a "baby of the family" you believe s/he thinks a little too little about others in day-to-day living. Even so, find the diplomatic words. It could head off a lot of misunderstanding later. Asking if you tended to feel important or unimportant, or whether you viewed younger siblings as "insignificant little pests" (and, more importantly, whether you've outgrown such views completely) can help guide the discussion. So can asking whether you have always been seen as "the responsible one" or "the irresponsible one" (but, more importantly, whether there's a chance that's only the way you grew up feeling, rather than reality).

Talk, too, about the ways you think you may both bring your birth order into your relationship. Being forewarned is being being forearmed. Aside from understanding one another better, just having this discussion could help make both of you aware of what you should not bring into a marriage. Your spouse is, after all, not your sibling. Your new life will be, after all, a new life.

Whether Yelling and Fighting Were Routine in Your Childhood Family

The cultural roots and personalities of your parents can play a role in whether your childhood family was one in which a lot of yelling and fighting were routine or not. In some families there is serious fighting and dysfunction. In others there is yelling about the smaller things but it is yelling that nobody takes seriously. In still others there is the overall belief that yelling is a matter of lack of self-control and lack of dignity. In those where yelling is not viewed as "part of normal life", some are families where anger is suppressed. In some, though, expressing anger is welcome, provided it is expressed in a "civil" manner.

Talk about your own "temper" and your ability or wish to control it. It probably worth understanding that science now knows that it is in the first three years of life when a person's "wiring" for his stress response is built. This means that the person who had even an otherwise wonderful mother, but one who didn't quite do what it is necessary to assure "the right" stress response, may have a more dramatic stress response to things that would not bring the same response in some other people. Understanding who gets more easily ruffled can help prevent misunderstanding in the future as well.

While you're talking about your own comfort or discomfort with yelling, and your own abilities/inclinations with regard to controlling temper; it may help to agree on a plan for handling disagreements, or at least the larger ones. While sticking to the plan may not always be possible, a general agreement on a healthy way to disagree or handle disagreements is a good idea. Think up a plan that suits both your personalities and that you think will most work for you.

Whether Either or Both of You Have Been Through Trauma or Grief

Many couples planning to marry are young, so it isn't unusual for one or both to have led a "charmed life" when it comes to trauma or grief. Then, though, there are couples who both bring a more difficult background into the relationship (but the difficulties may be of completely different natures). Sometimes, of course, only one partner brings experience with sadness or anger.

While negative experience brings "baggage" that needs to be discussed, it can also bring strength and well developed coping skills (or one sort or another). Couples with "unevenly developed" coping skills can run into problems when sadness hits them once they're married. If something bad happens (maybe the loss of family member or even the loss of job) one partner may need to develop his coping skills while the other may be more of an "old pro". This can cause misunderstanding when each appears to handling the difficulty differently.

Talk about the coping skills you have developed from any negative experiences. Talk about what you believe you have learned. Talk about your own behavior when something bad happens, and talk about how people don't always know how they'll behave until they go through a bad experience.

How You Deal with Different Degrees of Worries, Stress or Loss

There are people who deal with small stresses in one way and large stresses in another way. Some graciously deal with "the small stuff" but show the signs of the big worries in a big way. Others may turn more inward when it comes to the bigger worries or stress. Still others deal with all stress with drama.

It's often obvious enough whether one's future spouse deals with the small stuff graciously or not. The serious threats to marriage can come when the larger storms of life hit, and each partner deals with the shared storms in his own way. When the storms are serious enough it may be that both partner tends to turn inward. At other times, one partner may look to the other for emotional support or answers that the other just doesn't have to offer. One major challenge with the bigger storms is that nobody ever knows when or if they'll hit or whether they'll strike at all.

People who have not experienced serious worries, stress, or loss may not know how they'll respond if those storms strike; but discussing the fact that individual ways of dealing with difficulties has the potential of damaging a marriage if/when those storms hit can, at least, help a couple understand what could happen. Understanding how this can occur may help prepare a couple to arm themselves against this type of thing if/when any of those big storms in life strike.

For some couples/relationships it may be natural to just go through these difficulties "in sync". It is not, however, natural for all couples/relationships to "just do this". There are times when even those who appear to be "working together" on the surface may, upon closer look, actually be pulling inward emotionally.


How Your Parents Dealt with Financial Strains

There can be two types of people when it comes to dealing with financial strains. The first is the type who believe, "things are hard to come by; hang onto whatever you by doing whatever it takes to do that". The second is the type who believe, "It's just stuff. Get rid of it. Get rid of the worries. We'll get more later - or not." This first type of person will generally think the second type is "too quick to give up" or "not able to see how hard it is get things". The second type may view the first type as "taking on more stress than they have to" or "seeing things as more important than they really are". When serious financial problems arise one partner may naturally want to take some step like eliminate the mortgage or car payment, while the other may believe it's important to "do what it takes" to keep the house or the car. Discussing this kind of thing long before it may occur (and realizing that no matter how unlikely it seems it will occur, things can and do happen) can help a couple look at the non-emotional consequences that can arise from such decisions.

Talk about how your parents' ways have impacted you and whether you are like them or not. Talk about your priorities (when it comes to this kind of thing) and your reasons for those priorities. Try to reach a consensus on when to be like the first type of people and when it's time to be like the second type.

When people never experience financial strains they may have no idea how they'd deal with them should they arise. Talk about that, as well.

Whether Either Partner is a "Neat-nik" or Messy

If you're both neat-niks or both messy there isn't much to talk about. You'll either live happily in your neatness or your mess. If one partner is neat and the other is not, however, there is the need to talk about this and the reasons each feel his own ways are important. It's also good to figure out a plan that will help keep both reasonably happy.

People who are neat may simply need "visual order", or they may be more "others-centered". They may believe clear surfaces should be ready for "the person's use" and/or they may prefer a home that feels welcoming to guests. People who prefer to be more "casual" may feel they don't want to "always be worrying about cleaning up immediately". "Living neat" isn't always a matter of "always worrying" for some people. For some it comes easily and naturally. "Living messy" doesn't always mean someone is a "slob". For some it's a matter of preferring to clean "all at once", rather than "as he goes along".

Talk honestly about the reasons you have for your own preferences. Understanding people's thinking/reasoning is always a helpful thing.

Religion

Here again, if you are the same when it comes to religion there won't be any problems. If you have different religious beliefs (or no religious beliefs) talk about these differences. Discuss how you would like to raise children long before children are in the picture.

Whether You're Someone Who "Puts on a Brave Face" or Who "Doesn't Believe in It"

When difficulties in life happen some people believe they "shouldn't inflict their unhappiness on others around them". Others "aren't about to pretend things are fine when they're not". Talk about any differences in your own personalities, because sometimes one partner may think the other is "not aware of how serious the situation is" or else "being a baby".

One other important thing to note in this discussion is that once children come into the picture it is important "not to inflict one's unhappiness and bad mood on them". This is when the person who doesn't believe in pretending things are fine when they're not may need to change his/her ways; because once children are in the picture one partner and/or another may need change his/her ways, regardless of his nature and preferences.

and speaking of children...

Your Views of the Roles and Responsibilities of Being a Parent

The first thing to discuss is whether one partner is more skilled with children and/or has a better understand of child development than the other. If both are complete novices they should plan to learn about child development together before any babies are born. If one person has had more experience with children it can help to discuss what s/he has learned and whether the other agrees with what the first believes s/he has learned.

Besides the matter of establishing how much knowledge is shared between you, and the matter of planning to gain more before having a baby; discussing your ideas on the specific roles and responsibilities you believe parents should take on is a good idea. Keep in mind, too, that ideas can change once children are actually a part of your life. Be open to that as well; but if you've at least had some discussions about being parents you will at least have a foundation from which to work later.

Education Leven and Area(s) - Yours, Your Parents', and Your Siblings

This may not seem like (or be) one of the biggest issues or sources of potential conflict, but like birth order, education level can play a subtle role in attitudes and misunderstandings. While each person may "in his head" believe he doesn't think differences in education level make much difference in the marriage, an example of when it can play a subtle role would be in the case when a person is the first and/or only person in his family has a college degree or better. There is the chance that a person in this situation may view his education as "a bigger factor in life" than, say, the person from a family where getting a degree has been whatever "everyone does".

Another example where attitudes can be shaped by education is whether one person had his tuition paid by parents while another worked his way through school. The one who had his tuition paid by others may feel he had the chance to devote more attention to studies (just an example), while the person who worked his way through may see himself, in ways, as "more self-reliant" (again, just an example). This kind of thing can also, however, have an impact on how parents will eventually guide their children, in terms of things like working or not, while in school.

Another example of how education differences can create problems might be in the case of one partner who has, say, advanced degrees in a area of something like technology; with the other having less education. There can sometimes be the tendency for one or both partners to "just accept" that the more educated person "knows better", but that isn't always the case when, for example, there is a disagreement about child rearing.

Differences in education level can also play some role in relationships with parents-in-law. Discussing the realities of any differences can be helpful.

Your Relationship with Your Parents/Family and Your Ideas About Your Own Independence

It's usually natural for people to talk about whether they're close to their parents or not. What may not come as automatically is discussion about your own sense of independence, in relation to your parents/family. As with most things, people have different thinking about their own sense of independence. Some seem to be in a unending quest to establish their own independence. They may have been raised to think that if they don't move far away from family, or not visit too often, they won't be independent. Others may feel comfortable in their own sense of independence - comfortable enough that they don't feel the need to move far away to prove that independence; or the need to limit things like visits or phone calls. Then again, some people have a less than healthy dependence on parents/family. There may even be situations when some limited dependence on parents or family is necessary. (An example might be the very young couple who marries because they have a baby but need support of one kind of another from family.)

These, too, are things to discuss before getting married. It's important not to let one partner or another believe the other's wishes (with regard to parents/family) come from something they don't. Talk, too, about whether you believe your parents have healthy attitudes about your independence or not.

Whether or Not Either of You May Want/Need to Move Far Away from the Area in which You Start as a Couple

There are any number of reasons one partner may want the other join him/her in moving far away (maybe even out of the country). One is, of course, job-related. Others may include things like wanting to be near one own's parents, wanting to live in a different climate, or just believing that moving to different places provides great experience.

Some people are more than willing to re-locate for work. Others would rather find new work than re-locate. Some have no qualms moving a few thousand miles away from family. Others would actually prefer their spouse go without them than live too far away from either family or a location they prefer.

Talk about things, your priorities, whether you'd be happy to move for a short period or indefinitely, etc.

How Much "Togetherness" You Want

Togetherness is, of course, a major part of being married. The problems that can arise is when one partner expects more togetherness than the other. Some people believe "there's no point in being married if both partners keep their e.mail accounts and bank accounts to themselves". Others believe that the best marriages include "respect for the other person as an individual, too".

Togetherness isn't just about e.mails or bank accounts. It's also about each person's expectations to have time with his own friends or family by himself (or not), whether each person will have his own chest-of-drawers, whether individual laundry will kept separate, etc. etc.

This is yet another of those basic things to discuss ahead of time. It may seem like a small thing (or something that can be dealt with if/when any issues arise), but addressing expectations ahead of time can help both partners define this aspect of marriage ahead of time.

The Nitty-Gritty of Household Chores, Bill-Paying, and Money Management

Discuss expectations and plans for who will handle what tasks in the marriage, whether it will always be a 50/50 arrangement, or whether (for example) the person who is outside the home more hours may have fewer at-home tasks.

What any couple arranges with regard to money management can be as varied as individuals are, but it is important that couples agree on a system for managing money (including spending money) and paying bills, either as a team or with each partner having individual responsibilities.

Taking a look at what responsibilities there will be at the beginning of the marriage, and being ready to re-discuss and make changes in arrangements as circumstances change is a good idea.

Discussing attitudes about money, spending, and saving are particularly important. Here again, it helps to keep in mind that attitudes and priorities can change once children are a factor.

Last But Not Least, Your Individual and Shared Dreams

Discussing your dreams (for yourself and for you, as a couple) comes pretty naturally to most people planning to marry. Sometimes, though, a dream or two gets left out of the conversation, perhaps because one partner takes it for granted that other partner just shares that same dream. Sometimes, too, one's individual and secret dream doesn't seem like a possible reality, so s/he doesn't mention it.

Discuss every dream you have as an individual and as a couple, and aim to think of the steps it will take to make those dreams reality.

By the way, sincerest best wishes for a wonderful life.