No, really, she is. In the last couple of months, she has gained almost 7kg, and her waistline has ballooned about 2 inches, forcing her to buy a whole new wardrobe.

And if that isn't proof enough, she makes it a habit to drive home the point in no uncertain terms, by telling me repeatedly she's "faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!". To which I reply: "Of course, you are."

That answer, as I am told by my doctor friends, can elicit a variety of responses, most of them fatal to the responder. But the reason I have escaped any form of trauma to the area Austin Powers fondly refers to as the "twig and berries" is this - my wife is pregnant.

At 14 weeks into her pregnancy, she's convinced that she's become a cow because of her weight gain.

A fitness fanatic who used to spend an hour on the treadmill every day on top of sessions with a personal trainer, every inch she has gained since she got preggers is magnified 10-foldin her perfectionist mind, although I can still clearly see the definition in her abs.

It seems that even when women are given a licence to eat for two and pile on the pounds, they still complain about looking fat. And even when women are not fat, they insist that they are.

That's what bugs me. Let me put it in three words:

You're not fat. I have many svelte friends who have turned whining about how "fat" they are into an art form. Point out that they wear a size 4, and they'll grumble about how they used to be a size 2. Compliment them on their toned arms, and they'll complain about bulging hips.

In fact, the only women I've not heard complain about being fat are those who are overweight.

We've all been guilty of self-deprecation to make us feel better. But while you're moaning about how "fat" you are, imagine how you're making those around you who have real weight issues feel. More than once I've overheard slim women in the office and outside bitch about how "fat" they are, all within earshot of other plus-sized women. Look at this way. You wouldn't go whining about how you have no money to buy clothes while standing next to a homeless man, would you?

Still, I wouldn't recommend telling a pregnant woman she's fat. I've done that before. We've all heard stories about people who unknowingly ask a seemingly pregnant woman "so when are you due?", only to turn white with fear when she replies "When is what due?"

So when I met a work acquaintance a few years ago at a function, I thought that I was being smart by not mentioning anything about babies or due dates even though she seemed quite likely to be pregnant. After all, I wasn't very close to her. And asking baby-related questions might seem a bit too personal.

After making small talk with her, she suddenly confronted me and asked: "Aren't you going to ask about my pregnancy?" To which I blurted: "Oh? You're pregnant? Congratulations!" And she gasped: "What? You think I look like this all the time?"

I'm surprised I'm still walking straight after that one.