Threesomes: Pros & Cons

“Congrats on 450,000 hits on the blog! I hope 2008 is your best year ever. I am a long time reader of your blog, and now I am reading your hubs as well. One of the reasons I always read your relationship advice is because you are in a happy marriage so you must know what you’re talking about. It’s hard to take a “single and looking” person seriously when they give relationship advice. Obviously they don’t know what works. I know from reading your blog you didn’t get married until you were past 30 and before you got married you were kind of a slut. You’ve had alot of true life experience with sex and lovers and relationships. It is great that you figured out what works from trials and experiences and now you share that information.

I have a question for you. I specifically want your opinion because I know you know what you’re talking about. Like you I am bisexual. Like you I am happily married. Here’s my question. My husband and I are seriously thinking about having a threesome. There is really nothing lacking in our sexlife but an opportunity has presented and we are thinking about it. What are your real thoughts about this?

XOXO

Patricia”

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Wow.

Patricia,

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received was posted on a highway sign on Route 80 in New Jersey. It simply read: STAY OFF OF THE MEDIAN. It’s brilliant life advice. It means make a decision. Move! Do something! Stop sitting on the fence. Stop riding the middle. It doesn’t need to be stated that Route 80 has never had a life let alone a life decision to make. All I’m saying is, great advice can come from anywhere.

I’m very appreciative of your readership and glad I’ve been helpful.

Wolves. Swans. Seahorses. Apes. Owls. Eagles. Foxes. Otters. Beavers. There are many animals that mate for life. Mating for life however does not necessarily mean mating monogamously. Seahorses are completely monogamous. Wolves aren’t.

The first thing you need to do is let go of preconceived notions that monogamy is natural, or unnatural. Just like heterosexuality is neither natural nor unnatural.

The only thing that you need to concern yourself with is what feels right to you and your partner. Honesty is the only thing I preach. Just like in my hubs about infidelity. The sex isn’t the crime, the LYING is.

(You aren’t a scumbag because you love two women. You aren’t a dirtbag because you sleep with two women. You are a scumbag and a dirtbag because you lie. All the excuses and reasoning in the world doesn’t change that.)

There are many happy committed couples that do not practice monogamy.

I’ve written about this quite a bit. No one has the right to judge what two (or more) consenting adults agree honestly to do. Many healthy couples are able to separate mating for life from monogamy, like wolves. The only thing you have to do is to be honest in your communications and frame out the parameters that you mutually agree on. This includes everything from your feelings about monogamy, to whether or not it's ok to kiss the invited guest in the threesome.

I want to add something at this point. My husband and I are monogamous. We’ve had many opportunities not to be, but for 11 years now, neither of us has had any interest to go there. We are both incredibly open minded people. And believe me, no one is more shocked that I’m monogamous than I am, but that is how I naturally feel. Patricia, I admit I grinned and winced when you called me a former slut. But the truth is I’m proud of my past. I have no regrets and nothing I feel ashamed of. Maybe that’s why I am so comfortable with my monogamous marriage now. Maybe I needed to sew all those hundreds of wild oats. And maybe that is why some people say monogamy is unnatural: maybe they did not sew all their oats and now feel trapped, frustrated, or unhappy.

There are many reasons why you and your partner might want to engage in a threesome. But there are also reasons you might not.

The Pros

Threesomes are fun. They are erotic, exotic and decadent. It’s fun to mix things up every now and then. You might learn something new. You might discover a new way you enjoy being touched, you might learn a new way to “perform” a natural action.

A couple I know have told me quite a few times that one of the reasons they invite a third into the bed with them every now and then, is because they can. Personal freedom is a highly motivating thing. Sometimes you just need to feel unrestricted. You need to remember that you are in charge of your destiny and no one forbids you from doing what you want to do. This extra-decadent slice of dessert could be the reinforcement your sense of freedom needs.

I don’t particularly like that old adage that no one wants Hamburger Helper for dinner every night. But I do understand the desire to just have a change once in a while. That’s not a reflection on how much you love what you have. It just is what it is, and it isn’t a crime.

I don’t know your individual situations, but if you or your partner married prior to experiencing all the different things you wondered about, a threesome is a way to experience those things you missed, while still including your partner in your journeys.

The Cons

Jealousy is not something you plan for. But it is something you have to think about and anticipate.

The person you invite in as the third could trigger some insecurity you have. You may not even realize you felt self-consciously about something until you’re in the midst of unavoidable comparison. It could be something simple, like that she has a flatter stomach or longer legs. It could be something a little more significant like that she’s what you perceive to be a better kisser, or a stronger lover. And it could be something detrimental like that you’ve perceived your partner’s attention to her as being more intense than his attention to you.

Another thing you have to remember is that once this is done, it can never be undone. You can never again say you’re a monogamous couple. You can never erase the image of his kissing another woman in your bed, out of your mind. There is no going back.

Ultimately, the biggest argument against the threesome is, why fix something that isn’t broken. If your relationship is a good one, why risk it. You could be opening a can of worms. If either you or your partner has had any second thoughts about your marriage, they are going to be unleashed. If this opportunity that has presented as you’ve said, is someone that either of you has feelings for, this could be the beginning of the end of your marriage. Do you really want to go there?

The Final Word

All of these things need to be discussed ahead of time. You really need to ask each other, and answer honestly, why it is you think you want to try this. The motivations behind the desire are extremely important.

Whether or not you decide to seize the opportunity, hopefully the dialogue that lead up to the decision was revealing and healthy. Hopefully it brought you closer together.

Just as you have to be honest with each other, you also have to be honest with the person you’re inviting in. You need to be clear that this is a one-time thing, or an occasional thing, or whatever it is you’ve decided. They need to consent to the parameters comfortably, just as you have.

If you decide to do this, I’d give you 2 tips:

1 – Have a safe word. Something you can just blurt out with out having to explain or verbalize your feelings if you just freak-the-fuck out and can’t go on. You have to mutually agree that if one of you says this word, that the tryst just stops. It ends. No questions asked.

2 – Finish with your partner. Trust me. ;)

* All text and photos are original content by Veronica. Videos are courtesy of YouTube.