Last week at Applebee's, I met an interesting fellow. We will call him D.F. in this short story. Let me recap to you our entertaining conversation. We'll call me "S.M."

"You look like a nice lady. What's your name?"

I'm S.M.

"Hello, S.M., I'm D.F. it's a pleasure to meet you. What do you do for a living S.M.?"

I'm in sales, what about you?

"I'm a Cattleman. I'm wearing a sheppard's hate today, but I'm a cattleman by heart. I just got me some baby sheep. They sure are cute. You ever seen baby sheep?

In person? I don't think so... maybe at a petting zoo?

I have a few farms in the area. Matter-o fact, I have one right on Dixie... not far from here. I lived in my barn for 7 months too, and I ain't ashamed of it. When my wife left, she took everything, but I kept my barn and my cows... know-what I mean?"

Uh, yeah... I can understand that. I love cows.

"Boy, them cows and me, we get one another. I understand them, and they know who I am. I can call them, an they'll come to no one but me. And let me ask you this, you know how to call a cow?"

Here cow.... come here pretty cow... Is that about right?

"No, you have to say (now let me do this quietly so I don't embarrass myself) Swoooooooooak. Just like that. Then I follow that with a 'come-here-baby; come-here-baby'. Swooooooak"

Swoooak... got it.

"Well, not quite, ... just keep practicing. I was down in Tennessee a few months back with a buddy and I got a call that my cows got out and were on Dixie Highway. Now, I was all the way in Tennessee, so I called a few people I trusted and asked them to check it out for me. Then I realized, I need to go check on my babies myself, so I got in the car and drove back on up here. I was about 25 miles away when my friends called and said they couldn't see nothin' wrong. It's a good thing I drove back too, because when I went out on the farm and called "Swoooooak" I didn't hear nuthin...Usually, they'll moo back at me, ya know? And when I didn't hear nuthin, I knew they'd got out."

Oh no... Traffic on Dixie can get busy!

"Yeah, and so I took my farm truck (I don't drive on roads, just on my farm) and started driving around the farm cuz I got over 100 acres on that farm. I needed to figure out where these cows done got off to. So, I'm drivin' and callin' for em. And finally, I heard em... "Mooo, Mooo"

Were they still somewhere on the road?

"Nah... they heard me callin' for em, but the gate was closed so they were walkin' around the outskirts of the farm, along the fence, tryin' to come home. Once I spotted em' I had to snip, snip, snip the fence, so they could all come back in. I'd just repaired that fence too, but I needed to get em' back on to the farm. So they're comin' on home, and I'm countin' em, and then I realize, Oh-Oh, somethin' ain't right. I'm missin' my bull. Then the next day, I realize I'm missin' a heffer too. I got a call from somebody down the road sayin' that there's a cow on the side of 313... so I go on down there, and sure enought it's my black angus heffer.

So what did you do? Did you slaughter her?

"No girl... that cow had been dead for a few days. I was still missin' my bull though, and I was out on the farm callin' for him every day. Then I heard him over the hill. He was standin' there, outside of my property, you know? Just standin' there and his front leg didn't look right. I got closer to him and saw his leg was broken."

Did you have to put him down?

"Oh I cut off the broken leg, slaughtered the rest of him. Still got some meat in my freezer... By the way, do you know how to tell the difference between a bull and a cow?

A bull has horns and a cow doesn't?

"Ha Ha Ha. No... cow's have horns too. But a bull has a pecker."

Oh, I didn't know you were asking me an obvious question.

"Well S.M., if you ever want to come out to my farm, you're more than welcome. I'd be happy to have you. I gotta go over to Wal-Mart now and buy some hand towels. Remember me telling you I lived in my barn? Well, I got some electricity out there a few months back, and now I have water too. I just love livin' out there. Me, my cows and now my baby sheep. Life don't get much better than that. I don't suppose you know what I'm talking about."

No, I've never lived in a barn.

"S.M., it's not just about living in a barn. I mean being outside. In the open air, no schedules to keep, nothing to distract you from life. Just being out there, with my animals... I have the best life in the whole world. I gotta go now. I'm walkin' back to the farm, like I said, I don't drive."

Ok, well bundle up. It's really cold out there.

"Nah, I don't mind. Call me if you want to see my cows."

Will do D.F., it was very nice hearing your stories.

THE END.