Time, Money and Infidelity

By Jeffrey D. Murrah

Money and time are the lifeblood of affairs. Like the arteries and veins that give us life, they also keep an affair going as well. Besides keeping the relationship alive, they are also the areas where the relationship is vulnerable. Spouses who suspect infidelity often make that discovery in looking closely at how time and money are accounted for. Oswald Chambers once commented “you can tell what is truly important to a man by what he spends his time and money on”. Although he wrote in the early 20^th century, his observation remains true. This observation is key in understanding the link between finances and infidelity.

When a spouse has been unfaithful, there will be tell tale signs regarding how they spend time and how they spend, or in some cases receive money. It often takes a great deal of money to keep an affair out of public awareness. There are agencies, social network sites and services whose sole purpose is providing discrete contacts, for a price.

Following how a spouse deals with their finances and time is often key in discovering an affair. Since infidelity often involves spending money, holidays and special days are often vulnerable times for adulterers. The other person also likes time and gifts, so keeping a look out for tell tale signs during Christmas and especially Valentine’s Day is often key in discovering an affair.

During the life of an affair, time and money are spent on the new and exciting relationship. There are times that the spending ads to the excitement of the affair. Affairs, like other relationships are never static. Affairs require increasing commitments in time or money or both. What is lacking on one attribute is often made up on the other. When time is lacking, they make up for it in money and visa versa.

Affairs often have bigger price tags far exceeding the money spent on the other person. The hidden price tag of affairs is unseen until the parties are deep in the situation. They often use terms that convey how deep they are in the emotional and financial mess. Besides the initial expenses, there are secondary costs as well. These include gifts to pacify the resolute spouse, medical expenses, hush money or just plain guilt money. If there are pregnancies involved, then there are additional medical expenses.

The extra time expenses include the time thinking about the other person, time spent trying to keep matters secret, time spent worrying about who might see you and what they may say. All of these must be included in price tag of an affair. These are also items needing attention during the ‘rebuilding of a relationship’ in the aftermath of an affair.

Money and trust often go hand in hand. Damages inflicted in the area of financial trust show up in many ways. The resolute spouse may question expenses and tardiness in arriving at appointments even after an affair has ended. This questioning may continue for months after the affair is known. This questioning often aggravates the spouse involved in the affair. The adulterer often believes that since the affair is over, there is no need to question their actions. They view the situation with relief, since now it is in the open and over. They are often oblivious to the damage they inflicted in the areas related to finances and trust. They do not understand that there are many emotions attached to every reminder of the affair, including money and time.

The resolute spouse often spends hours scrutinizing cell phone contact lists, phone bills, checks, credit card statements, toll road receipts and any other documentation associated with how time and money have been spent. The scrutinizing grows worse when the offending spouse avoids or minimizes discussions of the affair. Tensions in these areas often reveal that the couple did not communicate or did not take responsibility in such matters. Affairs often reveal areas where responsibilities have been ignored or avoided. Finances are an area that many people avoid or minimize responsibilities. Often, in order to avoid dealing with the reality of finances, the affair took place in the first place. The affair provided a fantasy solution that was more exciting and enticing than the reality of the relationship.

Time and money have many emotions associated with them. The emotions associated with them are often intense and strong. Attempts at discussing these issues or bringing some type of accountability often trigger emotional outbursts. It is important to keep in mind that such outbursts are reactions to the accountability and not a rejection of the spouse. They do not want to face reality. Money just has a way of forcing them to face the reality of matters.

Adulterers have established patterns of avoiding responsibilities. Having to suddenly face responsibility is a drastic change. They do not want to face their inadequacies and limitations and will fight having to do so. Taking their emotional reactions personally is will lead to over reactions and fights. It also distracts from the issues that need the attention. Remember that the affair itself was their solution to a problem. They were avoiding something in the home.

Attempting to understand the relationship between finances and affairs can turn into a circular loop of which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, the financial problems or the affair? Where the financial problem came first, the affair served as a distraction to avoid dealing with the area they seek to avoid taking on the necessary responsibility.

Time also has strong emotions associated with it. Time carries associations of freedom and attention. Similar to the reactions that occur when financial accountability begins, attempts at time accountability often trigger strong emotions as well. There will be complaints about dependency, control and how it infringes on their freedoms. Realize that many of these are smoke screens. How a spouse spends their time reveals their priorities. In order to make a relationship work, your spouse will need to spend time with you. Some of that time will need to be you and them without having to share the time with others.

In dealing with time and money, an essential ingredient is honesty. The couple will need to be honest concerning money and time. Many people find actually discussing money a challenge. Talking about money, rather than whining or complaining about it takes time. Resolving issues concerning money also requires assuming responsibility. It requires responsibility concerning how money is dealt with along with how needs and priorities are dealt with in the home as well.