Our primary job as an effective parent is to make sure our kids are able to function successfully on their own when they leave the house. Every decision we make should be made with that goal in mind. This knowledge and single-minded focus should help us to navigate the waters of parenting much easier, because we have a definite destination in mind.

So how do we accomplish this daunting task?

By teaching our kids two skills - problem-solving and accountability. If you've got a disrespectful, belligerent child, you've probably got a child with a problem he doesn't know how to solve. As a effective parent, we need to step them through the process of solving that problem, and being accountable for their actions.

1. Problem solving is a process. Problem solving is difficult, otherwise we wouldn't have any problems. Many kids with abusive behaviors don't have the patience for the problem solving process. Parents need to understand the importance of problem solving in the learning process and not do it for the child. The time to start is when they're young, because the problems are more easily solved then, even though the child may feel like they're monumental. As they get older, they will be more able to solve the bigger problems if they've had experience with the smaller ones when they were young.
2. Coach him forward. If you watch the last 2 minutes of a close NFL game you'll notice the coach is usually all business and no emotion. This should be our goal as parents. We're the trainers for the skills our children need to become successful, responsible adults. We need to be patient and calm as they go through the learning process.
3. Teach by example. Remember - monkey see, monkey do. If they see you calmly approaching the problems that you encounter in your life, they will learn to do the same. Also use life situations to teach. Have them pay for their item at the store, or order and pay for their food at a fast food restaurant. These are little things to us, but not to kids. As they become comfortable with these small tasks, they'll be more able to handle the bigger ones as they grow older.
4. Be wise on when and what you teach them. Use your parent's guage to determine what level of maturity they are at to determine what they can be successful at within a reasonable amount of time. Our goal is to teach them not defeat them. Let the bedspread be crooked and the crumbs be swept from the counter to the floor. Save perfecting these skills for the appropriate times down the road.
5. Take chances, get messy, make mistakes. As the terrible teens threatened to hit you head on, duck and start handing over the reins more often. And don't forget to let them know how "awesome it is to watch the unique ways they chose to handle their problems".
6. Mistakes are opportunities waiting to happen. Life is a series of successes and setbacks. Both present wonderful opportunities, each with the goal of training up successful, responsible adults. Remember, failures are not the end of the world. Just a flag that more training is possibly needed.

Parenting is a daunting task, especially when it comes to teenagers. Hopefully, these tips will help you to have the most effective parenting skills possible.

Stop your child's out-of-control, defiant behavior TODAY! Regain control of your house. Get help on how to parent challenging kids at Julie and Matt's parenting blog.