Tips and suggestions on how someone can leave an abusive relationship.
78abusive relationship
Tips on leaving abusive relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship can be hard. It is not easy as one thinks. Once you are in an abusive relationship it is like a trap that has no open ends to it. However, after being in the field of Psychology and meeting several clients going through the same, I thought I could perhaps write something about it.
One other thing before I start, abusive relationship is a broader subject, it could be a marriage, a teen relationship or an adult relationship. The information given below is just the general information on some of the things you can do to be leaving from an abusive relationship.
My Personal obligation to follow these tips would be if you are married and living with an abusive relationship. I would not read this piece of article if you were married. Since I have some strong religious values and ethics and perhaps would deal it in a different way.
First step would be meeting a Confidant
You might know someone who you trusts, could be close to you or could be some one who you have known in years and maintain a professional relationship. The first fact should be, who ever is your confidant make sure that he does not know or have any ties with a person you are in relationship with. It can cause a great damage if you have trusts a confidant who probably knows your relationship status.
Personal belongings
Most of abusive relationships have greater ties with personal belongings. This could either mean money or apartment or something that has placed you both together in this relationship. Often with the abusive relationship these things become a matter of subject. If none of the above metioned are reasons to your ties in a relationship than the answer is simple, if not than read the following paragraph.
Seek an attorney or take legal advice
Take your confidant to meet up with an attorney in case of money matters or apartment matters. It is important to take legal advice. What are the pro's and con's if you decide to leave and have a partnership in a bank account or you have bought the house together but it is under your name? These are important questions to consider and so it is advisable to take legal help or sort legal advice to help you make a smoother transition of leaving this relationship.
Pack your belongings
Without telling your partner, seek the help of the confidant to help you pack up your belongings in the absence of your partner. There should be no indication shown to give away your intentions of leaving. There was one case, when the partner almost committed a murder because they did not wanted the victim partner to leave. It is a matter of security for the abusive partner too and in no way they want to let go of it. So carelessness is out of question in this matter, one has to be wise and smoothly leave the place. You can leave a letter, but make sure that you do not sign the letter or else you never know it could be a written confirmation and might end up in some other case.
Leave the town if Possible
If it is possible than it would be easier to leave the town. You might want to leave with some of your friend for few days to get a secure feeling or have some one to help you through. In this case, Confidant would be a right person but it depends on the relationship you share with your Confidant.
Transitioning into not being in a abusive relationship
This will be hard for you. You will have to persevere through the hard time. In this case, it is helpful to talk to some one you trusts or if you are a student go and meet up with your school counselor. You will be depressed for first few months, but the counselor or your helper might take you through the steps of helping you fit in back in to the normal schedule of time. This isnt going to be easy so bear that in mind. There will be times when you might want to go back to the same person, due to various reasons. People do that, but remember the reasons in the first place you left the abusive relationship.
General tips to help you through with the depression:
1. Try Exercising (Yoga or some kind of positive meditation)
2. Find a Job
3. If you are a student, try and refresh your mind by studying and saying positive things to yourself.
4.Hang out with your friends who you trusts
5.Find some thing to do which really excites you and makes you happy
6.Try something new in life
7.Stay away from relationship for a while
8.Recite positive attributes about yourself
9.Volunteer an organization
These are just general tips that are given to people who have left abusive relationships.
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
Thanks Sweet pie for your comments. This is one of the common problems of today and you can see many abusive relationships every day. Me being in the field of pyschology and social work often come across such cases, anyways it is one of those social issues we need to try and eradicate.
u r
sweet
Thanks atuljat!
Very informative hub. Also, it is important to privately begin getting documents together, whether birth certificates, medical documents, etc. into a file before leaving. Store them in a safe place, preferably a safe-deposit box or at a trusted friend or family members' home. Also, plan an exit strategy carefully.
I agree to the added information thanks a lot for your feedback!
Stutin, its wonderful to know that women who are in abusive relationships have advocates such as yourself to help them out of a bad situation. Thank you for the informative hub, and for the work you do to bring hope into the lives of women stuck in abusive relationships.
J
An addition to Cailin's excellent tip about putting important documents in a safe place:
Set up your own bank account but have the statements mailed to a different address...a trusted friend...and DO NOT access the account online from a computer at home where your abuser might find (or look for) the link in the history of your sessions.
Most towns of any size have a Battered Women's shelter. Your local police department (use the non-emergency number) can tell you which organization runs it in your area. If you can, and feel safe in doing so, visit that org's office for advise and assistance.
If you don't have a cell phone, many BW orgs now distribute old cells (and chargers) that people have donated that can only be used to call 911.
If you have a cell phone, keep it charged and within reach at all times. If the situation escalates before you can implement your own exit plan, and you HAVE to get out immediately, >>do not hesitate to call 911
Wow! This is amazing! Thanks it gives me perspective to think broadly and I guess I can use this added information next time when I deal with an abusive client
Stutin;
Thank you for bringing this topic to light. It is a much bigger problem than most people imagine.
While I would like to just tell anyone in a violently abusive relationship to call Bubba and let him handle it, I know this is no laughing matter, quite the opposite. As a man with two sisters, this is at the top of my most angry list.
First and foremost, ANYONE in a violent relationship must get out immediately. There are far more avenues to do this than years ago. Twenty years ago, in my state, the police called it a civil matter, and they advised that they just go work it out. Yeah right!!!
Well, society has crawled out of the dark ages. Today. It is a crime to commit domestic violence, just as is any other violence. Have the person who hurt you arrested. That is just the most basic common sense, but many of us fought for years to get that accomplished.Do not hesitate one second to get to a safe place and DO call the police. I realize that many people feel trapped by their abuser. Abusers are sneaky, conniving, tricky, lying scumbags. So, you have to guard every move very carefully if in this situation. Trust absolutely nothing they say. It is a lie. Find a way out.
Domestic violence is multi generational, so always check out family histories carefully before getting in a relationship. That is not meant to say that everyone grows up to abuse, but it is the rule, not the exception.
Please, if anyone is either in or around this situation, act now before it is too late. If someone you know has confided this in you, get them off in private and find out what is going on. Take them in if you have to. Do not let anyone live with this terror, please.
There is absolutely no excuse for domestic violence.
There is also a lesser domestic violence. Yelling, demeaning and controlling can be ruinous to a person, too. Only you can determine what is too much for you. If it is too much, again just get out.
You have noticed that I am not a believer in rehabilitation on this issue. I have seen it work way too infrequently, and I am not sure it works at all. I hear it does, but I do not live it, so I am suspicious.
Many might think I am too strongly speaking my mind, and I am sorry if you feel that way.
viralprospector, you made the point VERY WELL that domestic violence is a SERIOUS matter! I don't think it's possible to speak TOO strongly about what a DANGEROUS situation it is for the abused.
Having worked in a battered women's center, I can attest you are correct that abusers and batterers DO NOT change. As you said, it's multi-generational, so these jerks are brought up to believe "smackin' the ol' lady around" is their right....something all men do to keep their women "in line".
The scariest part is that deep down, they KNOW this behavior is wrong. They know to act "normal" and pleasant at the beginning of a relationship, which is why most women don't see their true nature until it's too late. There ARE clues, but unless one has been in an abusive relationship, or trained to recognize them, they're very difficult to spot.
And yes, domestic violence does not necessarily mean *physical* abuse.
In fact, psychological abuse can be worse, because not only are there no visible bruises or broken bones to testify to the abuse, the wounds to the psyche and self-esteem often take years to heal.
The psychological abuser is always on his best behavior at work or when others are present, which makes it a double-whammy for the abused. Not only does she NOT LOOK abused, her friends and family begin to think SHE's crazy because her nice charming husband (or boyfriend) "wouldn't hurt a fly".
Far as I'm concerned, there should be a Domestic Abusers Registry same as for for sex offenders and child molesters. At the very least, all abusers, physical OR mental, should have a large "A" tatooed between their eyebrows or other clearly visible spot so women will know to avoid this person.
A new meaning for the Scarlet Letter, JamaGenee! Few abusers seem to ever get any better.
There are many hubs on Hub Pages and all are pretty good - abuse, abusive relationsips, violence and emotions, bullies at school, the workplace bully, etc. The more good information out there, the better to keep abusers from hiding.
Patty
Viral prospector and Jamagene, you guys have very good observing points to the abuse situations. You both have great insight to your posts and I really appreciate them. You are right, 'abuse in no stance is acceptable'.
I often deal with challenge when I see my cultural heritage as well, there was a time when Indian women were not respected and today Indian women are the leading ambassadors for our country.
However, in the situation of marriage, what counsel will you like to give? I really face difficulties and challenge in this issue. I am Indian and for me marriage is a sacred union, not only that God says in his word "He hates divorce". However, I do agree that in very abusive situations God does not obligate for a partner to go through abuse and rejection. It really depends, just because a relationship is midly abusive and something can change than surely there can be a way! Otherwise abuse really has no stand in a relationship that is a bottom line.
Are there any Domestic Violence Centers where you are, stutin (you do not need to be PHYSICALLY abused to use them)? If so, contact one when you are safe to make the call and ask their advice.
Domestic Violence International Resources
http://www.vachss.com/help_text/domestic_violence_
and in America
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Yeah there are domestic violence centers in India. I guess through the years, this centers have helped many women in domestic violence. However, now the case is opposite, women are found abusing men and using these centers to create a hell for their husbands.
I knew of one case as such! It is sad! Is there anything for men, in case if women are abusing men, it is true it necessarily doesnt mean just the physical abuse, but mental abuse is just enough to start the violence.
JanaGenee;
God bless you for your help for domestic abuse victims. I find this one of the world's greatest callings, and I salute you. God promises that your good deeds will be rewarded. As you can see from Stutin's beautiful post, there is unlimited need for this help, even those who just fear this evil. I am proud of you, very proud.
Patty Inglish, MS;
That is a wonderful idea for Stutin (and every other person for that matter) to get involved in this. Wouldn't it be great if everyone came together instead of living in silos.
Stutin;
Please take Patty's advice. Abusers often win by removing their victims from society. Never let that happen to you, please. Hubpages is good. Make sure he really feels how much you need others. Even if you see the other side of the gender abuse, it is still good to learn. Help those women do the right thing.
I know nothing about India, but you do not deserve to be afraid. You make wonderful posts. First, to admit that you are afraid that your marriage will not be your true love shows how much you have to give. Only a great man deserves that.
Know this, every good man would give his life for the women he loves in a second. Unfortunately, men can't always understand women (and vice versa), and that deep conviction can be a weapon used against you. So study men.
I would do a few things before marriage. First, get to know his parents really well. See if his Mother has the kind of freedom that you rightly deserve for yourself. Talk with her about her son. Let her know your goals. I would insist on knowing his family very well (he doesn't need to know why). As we said, abuse is multi generational.
Second, make sure he knows your goals. Push it to the limit before marrying. Make sure he is self confident enough to let you be you. Find out what makes him angry, and make him mad a few times. See if he seems out of control. Be very objective about this. Do not let him sweep you away. No matter what you do, you cannot predict the future. Always protect your self, and do not let the obvious escape you.
Let me leave you all with something very dear to me.
http://www.ourstage.com/fanclub/shaneowens.
The song is forever.
I love my wife with all I have. Sure, I am the luckiest guy in the world and all, but maybe this will help this is simply a beuatiful song. If your future man is not able to say all of this to you, look out. Make sure that you KNOW that he means it, and make sure you mean it. However, let the dating take its course. I have seen animals emerge after marriage. Marriage is very tough, but two good people in love make it through somehow.
Viral Prospector,
I guess you mis understood, My marriage is amazing and great. I have found the man in my life, who cannot be compared to anyone. He loves me and truly is a man after God's own heart. I was talking about my clients and in general the situation of abuse for women.
Thanks for your insights, appreciated
Stutin;
Yep I whiffed that one, sorry.
When I lived in Seattle and worked for the prosecuting attorney's office, I volunteered at a woman's clinic. The women were generally looking for legal advice and referrals. Needless to say, I saw so many sad stories in a short year working there. Thank you stutin, for publishing a hub on resources and advice for women stuck in these difficult circumstances.
Thanks Stephhicks68 for your amazing comment! Truly appreciate it
Hello
I am founder of womensselfesteem.com and I would love to post your article in my abuse section. Your article is very genuine and effective in supporting othervictims.
Let me know!
DorothyL@womensselfesteem.com.
Hi Dorothy, Thanks for appreciating my article.
SweetiePie says:
18 months ago
Very informative hub Stutin. I myself have never been in an abusive relationship, but I saw this was the topic in a forum and it made me very interested in what other tips and suggestions people had to offer. A few months ago I read the book Escape and I was very inspired by how Carolyn Jessop was able to leave a polygamous relationship that was very abusive. Not only was her husband abusive, mostly verbally, but his children and one of his wives was even more abusive to her. Carolyn was forced to run a family hotel business in Las Vegas that had a shady customer that kept hanging around the premises. When friends asked her husband how he could allow her to stay in such an environment, his response was that he was trying to get rid of her. The maintainance keeper of the hotel was a former member of the mafia that had served twenty years in prison for murder, but he was the only one who offered Carolyn counsel and protection. He convinced Carolyn that remaining in a marriage where her husband was becoming increasingly violent would be just as dangerous as leaving him. My personal view is everything in life is a risk, but it is far more risky to stay when at least leaving this situation helps to ensure a better chance at safety. Thanks for the informative hub.