"Tips for Bad Girls: How To Manipulate a Man"? ("Bitch, Please!")

Here we go again! I must once more defend my gender, initiate the innocent and educate the ignorant. First, I had to clue in that cutie, Bredavies. Then, I found something on another website written by a fellow Associated Content writer and had to "school" her next. Misguided lady number three was Teddybear1000. Yet another woman had to educated in the mysterious ways of the might penis-bearers. Lindaoffigan was, I thought, the final female to be "lost in the woods of women and men".

I did my best to lead her into the light (of truth). Now I have to address a mistaken missive by a sexy, seasoned hubber, evemurphy. Mind you, I have always admitted I am all but obtuse when it comes to some things feminine (see a previous hub), I nonetheless maintain ownership of the correct, crotch credentials. So once more I must call upon my skills as a cunning linguist and clue in the clueless.

(Honestly, I'd much rather be asking her how long she's been wearing the panties she has on right now or if she

would cam to cam with me sometime when we're both alone and bend over and show me her BUT, I digress. . .)

Here is my response to "Tips for Bad Girls: How To Manipulate a Man".

NOTE:The female complaints and comments appear in italicized font and quotes. I will address each complaint in the order in which they were posted in my normal

font. (Also please note that I do not always correct the typos and spelling errors of others.)

Let's get to it, Blondie. WHAT are you telling these girls, anyway?

"Let Out a Little Bit of Line"

What? You like fishing? A lot of guys LIKE women into fishing. Go on . . .

"As all fishermen know, catching a fish is two-sided coin. On the one hand you have to hook the fish and to do that you need to attract him to get him to bite. On the other hand you need to make sure the 'hook is in' and to do that you need to let out a little line."

Sweetheart, if you aren't ugly as sin and you have a vajayjay between your legs then "the hook" is in already. Even if you ARE ugly as sin if a guy is DRINKING then don't worry! As long as you clearly communicate that we are gonna get some the fix is already in, okay?

"You need to let him think he is free and allow him to some space."

Uh, excuse me? Forget the fish hook. Unless you managed to get a wedding band on our finger then we ARE "free".

(I think the thing is, y'all just don't like us to flaunt that obvious fact!)

"Then, just when fishy thinks the wide ocean is once again his playground, you jerk the line and draw some in."

Honey, if you are doing your job keeping me happy ALL the time then the guy didn't need all that line anyway. If you only lick it around the edges and he can manage to get up out of your bed, raid your refrigerator and make it home in time to watch ESPN highlights then YOU need to put more effort into things.

Be like a greedy 80s banker. You don't want to stop at one small deposit. You want to drain me dry until I have no other reason to use any other ATM slot.

"Repeat the process until caught."

If you repeatedly drain me, I won't have the energy to chew off my leg and run.

What ELSE are you telling these poor women?

"Don't return his calls--right away anyway."

I am actually cool with that. At one point after my divorce--(she divorced me because my goo-goo was too BIG for her and she thought I was doing porn stars and strippers, by the way)--I was dating seven different women at one time.

I would have been quite happy if one of the girls would NOT have returned my calls in a timely manner.

In fact, I prefer texting and e-mailing and IMing anyway. So, maybe that IS good advice after all. Anything else you tell them?

"Don't laugh too hard when he says something he thinks is clever."

That's okay, too. Those of us who ARE truly funny KNOW we are BUT we ALSO know that not every word out of

our mouths can be a "gem". So . . . as the young people say: whatever. . .

"Don't give him an answer on the spot if he asks you out--tell him you have to check your appointment book".

Well, the only trouble with that is if I am dating more than one woman and I can't get a solid YES from you I will immediately go for the backup. So you have to ask yourself: Do I feel lucky?

Okay, so far some of what you said I'm not arguing with BUT that is mainly because I can make it work for me. What else are you telling these ladies?

"Can I Feel Your Ego?"

Treat me right and you can feel anything you want, darlin'. (As the women I date know . . . I put out when a girl takes ME out to dinner. You can feel anything you want!)

"There is only one thing that men like

to have stroked more than their ego--and I'm not going there."

Well, sweetie, THAT attitude certainly won't keep you warm in bed at night; will it? You SHOULD go there and at least PRETEND to enjoy it! (Then again, I make sure that a woman doesn't have to pretend to enjoy it with me but that's besides the point.)

"Ego is the big, pumped-up ball men carry around in their heads that they use to monitor themselves.

The ego is a kind of car-dashboard for men--if it is strong then they feel strong. And that is exactly how you want them to feel. When they are around you they should feel empowered. They should feel 'all topped up and ready to ride!'"

I believe ALL humans have egos . . . even women. As a matter of fact, if you look at some of their ads on singles dating sites you would see that.

You would not believe how picky some of these older, fatter, less than attractive women are when it comes to the guys they are willing to date. It's truly unbelievable.

You're right about one thing though . . . if you don't give a guy good vibes you won't have him around for long. So, yeah, it's good advice to tell a woman to make a man feel good about himself. Everyone needs that. (That's why women with lower self esteem are easier marks than those with higher self-esteem. No one makes them feel good enough.) So what do you suggest they do next?

". . . simply reverse the directions given in the step above. The trick is all in the timing. If you have been ignoring him and over-looking his efforts to charm you, now you can go in the other direction and give him some kudos."

Now here is a good piece of advice but for the wrong reason.

It's good to NOT overlook a man because if you ignore him for too long--or in MY case--even a little then that man will simply pencil in someone ELSE.

So what else do you suggest?

" . . .wink, smile, giggle, touch his hand frequently . . . "

Yes! Do all those things and MORE! If I do NOT think you like me then I am moving on, girl!

Personally, I am not too sure about the wink because you could have something in your eye. Giggling might work unless we are drinking then maybe you are just tipsy. So make sure you TOUCH me a LOT in addition to the first two because otherwise how will I be sure?

In fact, if you are drinking even the touching might be in question BUT that is STILL okay for ME because if you are touching me then chances are I'm gettin' some that night whether you like

me or not. I don't care if I am Mr. Right. Mr Right Now is good enough for me!

Okay, what's next in your plan here?

" . . . DON'T do it too much! You need to refer back to the fisherman's trick mentioned above. Give him a little smack-down. Throw some sand in his eyes--turn away just when he is getting to the punchline of his joke."

What!? Don't do it too much?!? Really? You throw sand in MY eyes I'm gonna move on to the next harem girl!

"If you do this right (and it's not easy to do it right) you will virtually guarentee(sic) yourself his dog-like devotion for as long as you want to have it."

Yes! It is NOT easy to do something like that "right" because it isn't right. It's 2009. You are liberated now and have been for decades! "Playing hard to get" went out a long time ago, darlin'.

You want my "dog-like devotion" then make sure you let me know YOUR favorite position is the same as MINE: DOGGY-STYLE!

As long as I can put you on all fours and make you my "bitch" on a regular basis I'll be there for you to pet and feed.

"And who doesn't want a man who worships the ground you stand on? It's nice work if you can get it."

Again, this is a bit of a traditional, old-fashioned attitude in an era when y'all have been hired (for years now) OVER men just because God didn't

less you with a penis. Seems you don't want EQUALITY you want to be MORE than equal. "Bitch, please!"

You want to be worshiped? How about I put you up on a pedestal just long enough so I can see up your dress? (I wouldn't be adverse to worshipping every INCH of your body, actually . . . assuming your body is NAKED and clean and in bed with ME!)

Next point, hon?

"Let's Make a Deal"

I'm reminded of an old joke where the punchline goes: We've already established what kind of girl you are. NOW we're just dickering over the PRICE.

"Don't give away all your eggs in one basket--always hold something in reserve for those times when you want something extra from your honcho."

You really don't have a lot of eggs to give away . . .especially once you hit your 30s . . . which happily coincides with your sexual peak. So your baby factory clock is ticking AND you're at a point where you are really primed for sex. Still, I don't think that's what you meant. Exactly WHAT "something extra" did you have in mind?

"Does he bring you flowers?"

Did someone die? if so maybe I shouldn't come over and get a little tonight.

"Does he buy you things?"

Do YOU buy HIM things? Come on! Is it your birthday?

Is it Christmas? Some religions don't celebrate a bunch of holidays so if you don't get a lot of gifts chalk it up to you not researching your man's religion before luring into your bedroom.

"Does he give you compliments?"

Do you give HIM compliments? Again, maybe we need to discuss self-esteem or lack thereof? Trust me, if I am not in the mood to put a lot of effort into date chat I'll happily say something complimentary like: You know,

it's really near impossible to be intelligible, let alone be (half)-witty and charming when I'm sitting here so close to you getting so lost in your pretty eyes.

Does something like this count as a compliment? Oooooh, yeah, baby, that's nice. Take it ALL into your mouth it feels so good when you do that!

Oh, that is so--yeah that's it just like a straw! Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, that's good, baby!

See? We can be complimentary. Now what else?

"You need to hold back on the sex and move your tush away for awhile."

If you "hold back on the sex and move your tush away for awhile at BEST I'm gonna think I am wearing you out (like I wore out my ex-wife and my baby-momma) and I'll give you the

name of the doctor who treated my ex for internal bruising . . . at WORST I'll take your earlier reference to a man as a dog and sniff around elsewhere. (How's that for the "ruff" truth?)

"Rationing out the goodies is good advice at this stage and you should put him on a diet as well if necessary--a sex-free diet that is."

Look, don't get me wrong. I don't expect a rim-job on our first date!

Still, a sex-free diet is not a good thing. . .for anyone but the other women who want me!

"If you do he will start to come round . . ."

No. This won't happen UNLESS your man is getting so much "down-there" that he is pussy-whipped.

In which case, not only will he come 'round he just might find it really hard to leave!

Anything else?

" . . . and when he does the waiting and frustration you yourself went through in self-denial will pay off big-time when he presents you with the trinkets and attentions you, as a beautiful woman deserve."

Well, I don't know if it's a good thing to refer to a PENIS and balls as "trinkets" but, yeah, when I come around I will certainly "present" it all to you . . . maybe more than once that night, too!

"Helpless Widdle Ol' Me !"

Huh? Since when?

"Marilyn Monroe had this trick down to an art form. She knew that men cannot resist a helpless, beautiful woman and that is what you must play if you want the part of 'woman-worshipped'(sic)."

Marilyn Monroe? As in the woman from the 1950s? Damn, and people think public school textbooks are outdated! That's antiquated thinking. Furthermore, not all women ARE beautiful (without the use of alcohol) so you're expecting a bit to much from them when you expect them to play the

part of a "beautiful woman". What ELSE did your grandma tell you now?

"Be a little girl without a clue."

It seems some of you truly ARE already!

"Be a damsel in distress."

Like the Ogre in Shrek? (Then again, if I could pull your hair like in "Rapunzel" while being your "dog" . . . hmmmm . . .)

"Be a lady who needs a lift. . . "

Well, since you're referencing the 50s here is something from the 60s that works here: "Gas, grass or ASS, no one rides for free!"

"Be . . . a babe who needs some braun (sic) . . ."

Are you serious? You women have taken away jobs from MEN working for companies like UPS and we're supposed to go back to you being weak? I mean I know the half-attractive UPS women have OLD men and desperate men opening doors for them and making their job easier than the jobs of the male drivers but STILL

do you not see the problem here?

". . .or . . . "

Or what?

" . . . a silly-billy who needs a brain."

Who are YOU the scarecrow from "The Wizard Of Oz"? We were totally cool with y'all admitting you weren't as smart as we are but then all these women who couldn't get men anyhow started fighting for your equality and before we knew it y'all were getting jobs just 'cause God forgot your stems when your mommies popped ya out. You can't have it BOTH ways (. . . unless my buddy climbs into bed with us, too and I share . . . then you can . . .sorta . . .)

"If you ham it up and go for it, you will find there is nothing that works so quickly or so magically to make a guy ga-ga over you than this 'poor-widdle-me' attitude."

Yeah, you really still believe that huh? Okay, let's just move on here.

"When All Else Fails..."

Wait! You mean you're about to get even more desperate and underhanded? Seriously?

"If you find you are still looking at an empty appointment book where there should be entries, then you may want to try the sympathy-ploy."

Oh, okay, how does that go? I mean, I have a heart. Explain how that works.

"This is simple--just cry your eyes out. If you want the hand on your shoulder . . .

You're crazy! I will gladly touch your shoulder and anything other part you want touched and you do NOT have to cry! What else?

. . . the comforting arm around your waist or the gentle kiss of 'there there' on your forehead--all precursors to more serious intimacy--then you can

try the cry-baby trick and see what develops."

Oh, I will wrap my arms around you, my legs, my tongue my . . .well, you get the idea . . . and there is no need for tears. I'll do more than kiss you r forehead, too. As long as I know you like me I'll kiss every INCH of you! You want "more serious intimacy"? Just take off your clothes. . . or mine or both!

Something more to tell women out there?

"Be warned that it can sometimes piss him off if you push it too far and you don't want that."

Two words: no shit! You better make sure the girls understand that!

"Men feel uncomfortable around

balling females, as a rule, and they have a built-in instinct to 'make things better' as soon as possible."

Allow me to clarify, ladies. We men feel uncomfortable AROUND balling as in crying females. However, we feel VERY comfortable actually BALLING females. Got it? You will, just e-mail me for my cell phone number if you live in California and I'll make sure of that personally.

"So watch the signs of impatience if you go this route and just let the tears fall until you get the right feedback."

Here is a better idea. Just don't go that route at all. Trust me. I know. I have a penis.

"Feedback is the name of the game in all of this. Be aware of how your man is reacting and adjust your bad-girl tricks accordingly."

Wow. If you think THOSE are bad girl tricks you need to watch some porn! You have a LOT of adjusting to do here; trust me.

"You just might get what you want."

What is that Rolling Stones lyric? "You can't always get what you want/ But if you try sometimes you just might find/ You just might find/ You get what you need, ah yes".

Know what, ladies? If we men get what WE want, ladies, often enough, YOU will get what YOU need.

Trust me; I know these things.  I have a penis.

My name is Phoenix and . . . that's the bottom line.