Tips to Encourage Teenage Daughters To Tidy Up Their Bedroom!
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Recognize this?
Empty soda bottles, clothing all over the place, homework scattered throughout the room, dust… At times you walk into the room of my 15 year old daughter and wonder where you are. Have you missed something? Surely you must have heard the KABOOOM when the bomb exploded? How can it be the walls are still standing? Looking at the debris a complete battle must have taken place here.
And there – as if nothing ever happened – is darling daughter. Media player turned up to full volume, hands on the keyboard, doing like eighty things at he same time. Things that can be done using a keyboard, mind you. Messenger windows are flashing all over the screen, downloads are running, Facebook-equivalent profiles all over and she doesn’t give a blink. Everything’s under control. Everything happening on that screen, that is.
The standard reply
So you clear your throat to get her attention. Which never works the first time, due to the music playing so loud. So you cough again. And after a deep, deep sigh she shows the courtesy to turn down the volume. “Isn’t it time you cleaned up your room?” you ask. Another sigh, the lower part of her face is suddenly severely affected by the force of gravity and she looks as if you’ve just asked her to solve the credit crisis. And then, there it comes, the standard reply: “Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it tomorrow”. Or “Let me first finish this”. “This” always being something really important, such as homework. These are the answers of which she seems to have piles of in stock. And at the end of the day, her room stays a mess.
I’ve had it
I’m pretty easy going. But there comes a point where even I have had enough of it. I have tried the kind way. Explained why she should tidy up. Reminded her time after time. Given her the example by cleaning the house at regular intervals. And each and every time the response would be “later”. Never now. There’s always something that has to be done first.
And yes, I admit I let her get away with that lame excuse too often. But, like I said, even for me there comes a time when you’ve reached the limit. That time was two weeks ago.
And I made it quite simple, both for her and for me. You see, my daughter is with me one week, starting Monday and with her mother the next week. So that Monday, one of the first things I did was to tell her the deal.
You don’t get to go out, until your room is tidied up
Yep, it’s that simple. If you want to spend time hanging out with your friends, you better make sure that you’ve cleaned up. To my standards, not yours. I decide when it’s good enough. And you know what? Tuesday evening? Still a mess. Wednesday then? No way, Jose. Little Missy still thinks msn is way more important than having a nice clean room.
To make a long story short, she didn’t start before the weekend. Only this time, she knew damn well that I was serious about it. And at the end of the day, it worked. It wasn’t until the weekend that she started, but still. By Sunday her room was actually a real room again.
So, if compliments and stimulating reminders don’t work, there’s only one way: consequence. Either you take your responsibility, my little princess, or you don’t get the pleasures. It’s up to you.
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Comments
A good old grounding works wonders, well advised Ananta65.
gwendymom: that is a very good idea I am going to put in practice this weekend.
Ananta: I'll try to remember your advice for when my little princess grows up :)
I'll just take away their Playstation or Nintendo. Works miracles too:)
Excellent!!! Thanks for the tips. Yeah - grounding works... but I have the same experience - the "act" is left to the LAST MINUTE - then everything is done in a flash and weeks worth of clothes dumped into the washing machine - which is another story............ Bless em eh....
well as I learned years ago bringing up my children..they actually depend on you to be strong, to mean what you say,,,They want (without admitting it) to know their boundaries, they feel safe knowing what is expected of them..ok we get upset cause we have to repeat...repeat...but it is a part of our duty as parents and believe me it pays off.
They know each of their parents as well or better in some cases, as the parents know them (or think they know them) believe me later in life I have heard many stories that were un-believable to me...But my children are all responsible, drug free, hard working parents...and I have 7 grandchildren and 2 greats...We all thank God for the Blessings we have since all have been healthy and no birth problems...It is a miracle ! !
And so we as the 'adults' (shh..do we ever grow up?) have a duty and is one for our lifetime too, to help our children, care for them, and above all LOVE them and show this love..Kiss, Hugs, pats on the back,re-assurance in all things they do, smiles, even just approving winks or glances, show understanding and stand tall and be strong...not saying it is easy or doesn't occupy much ,if not all your time but for your own piece of mind ..just do it...
oops sorry I didn't mean to make a HUB of this...Just Love children and the family life...Thanks for the memories...G-Ma :o) hugs
I've got to tell you, Ananta, the grounding technique doesn't always work. My room constantly look like a nuclear bomb exploded onto my floor, but for the life of me, I can never bring myself to clean up the clutter. The malestrom of clothes, books, old school papers, pencils, pens, and other random items overwhelms me so bad, I give up before I even start.
My mother has tried the grounding technique, but to her utter dismay, I never listened. I'd go out anyway. I'd use the computer. I'd watch TV. I'd read. I'd write. I'd play my Gameboy Color. I'd do anything and everything to avoid my room. Finally, I just started locking my door when I left so she wouldn't have to look at the mess.
Now that I'm 18 and out of high school, I'm seriously dreading moving out, because it will mean I will have to sort through that war zone and decide what I need and what I don't. ... Oh, and to help explain my extreme mess, I'm a comlpete pack-rat. :D
Very good advice Ananta, I shall remember it if ever I am lucky enough to have children :)
So am I, gwendymom. Her room is now less of a mess than it was and I’ve made it into a rule.
I really hate grounding, TravelMonkey. But I figured this is fair. She knows well in advance that she’s got it in her own hands.
Just bookmark the hub, Princess *lol*
She can easily do without the Wii and the Playstation. And se needs the computer for her schoolwork, so it’s kind of hard to deprive her that. I figured this might work. And it did, Lazur :)
I can relate to that, Ntathu. I’ll find clothes dumped in her room, near the washing machine and in the bathroom. They’re such a blessing :)
No problem, G-Ma, not at all. You are right. We have to love and support them. And every once in a while this just means that we’ve got to teach them that there are consequences to what do and what they don’t do.
Each child is an individual, Kika. What works for one may not work for the other. As for you, well you’ll just have to learn the hard way, I guess *smile* Which isn’t bad either. I wasn’t exactly used to cleaning up when I left home. I learned. So can you :)
You’ll manage, Misty. It’s like G-Ma says, all it takes is love.
See, I don't call it grounding. I call it a choice. My teen daughter is the same way - there's always something better to do! When I get sick of it I take a similar approach - you want to go somewhere, clean your room first. She's not really grounded b/c she can do what she wants as soon as she finishes what she is supposed to do.
Similarly, I gave her the job of emptying the dishwasher some time ago, but my kitchen was always dirty b/c I was waiting for her to get the clean dishes out of my way without having to ask 20 times a day. I finally told her that if I had to remind her to empty the dishwasher, then she would also be responsible for cleaning the rest of the kitchen. Again, she has a choice...and lucky me she mostly chooses to clean the whole kitchen :-)
That’s how I see it too, Dineane. Grounding would be the consequence if she doesn’t do what’s she’s supposed to do. So it’s her own responsibility and her own choice.
Wow! Wanna trade daughters for a while? *lol*
My thirteen year old is the same. Tidiness is just an alien concept. She says she knows exact;y where everything is, but I don't know how that works exactly. On the odd occassion that she has 'tidied' up, I've subsequently found vast amounts of debris kicked under the bed out of view. Strangely enough, my younger child, a boy, is relatively tidy in his room, so why one is, and one isn't is just a mystery to me.
Only goes to show that teenagers are unique individuals too, Amanda :) And I know what you say. When my daughter has tidied up, her room looks neat and clean, but I wouldn’t dare to open a drawer *lol* On the other hand – I have to give her that – last week she did throw out a lot.
Ananta65, good for you. Now all you have to do is stick to your guns, when she tries to backslide.
Grounding is a good weapon if a child is social. However, for children who have no friends and nowhere they want to go, a different tactic is called for.
LOL Just let them have it :) When they break an arm or leg in the clutter, they will have a plenty of time and motivation to clean up :D
You're right, Aya. The consequences should be 'tailored' to the child in question.
You said it, Misha :) We learn best from experience.
xD He's just saying that because he wants me to break an arm/leg in my own room so that I'll finally clean the darn thing! lol! Did you see my hub on messy rooms? I put pics of my own room in there. And yes, it really is as nasty as it looks. At least I have a walking path from my door to my bed! :-P
I'm so glad a dad is stepping up to the challenge of this messy issue. I was always the one to set the rules, lay down the law, and whatever else about my daughter's room. It's refreshing to hear a dad's perspective.
@Kika Rose...I really hope you don't break a bone, but what if somebody else does? Do you have an *enter at your own risk* sign? :)
I agree with Sally's Trove, it's refreshing to hear a dad's prespective and one willing to step up and rise to the challenge. Raised five children, and my younger sibling, and this was one of my more familiar battle grounds.
With the three girls the consequences of taking away phones, and social priveldges worked very well. With my boys, it never was an issue. Now living with an eleven year old granddaughter in the home, we don't expect this problem, as she can't bear for her room to be messy. Every child is different. Great hub and the videos made me laugh.
Ananta: Great hub! I don't have kids so I can only marginally identify. Do you think it will work with my wife? Even if I am the one who makes the mess? The vids were funny, too.
Oh, yeah...Heeeelp meeeeeee! I'm meeeeeelllttiiiiiingg!
I don't. It's generally implied. ;) No one else goes in there, and I make dang sure of it. I can't stand intruders, no matter who it is, within the confines of my personal space. That is my space, with my things. Plus, my brother Mik's been known to sneak into my room and steal my awesome socks. >.<
When I was growing up, my mom would just clean up my room. She would throw away most of the stuff on the ground. After doing this a couple of times, I made sure to clean up my room :)
thanks.
Can I use the same hints to make my teenage girl tidy up my room as well?
Yep. I read your hub, Kika :) I'm glad you can make it to your bed without having to hire sherpas :P
Well, that's a consequence of getting divorced, it's up to me now, Sally. And it is a challenge at times, but I learn and generally enjoy it.
Every child IS an individual, you're right, Jerilee. What works for one, is not guaranteed to work for the other. But I do think that it's our task to prepare them for the big bad world. And in that big bad world there's things we must do, whether we like them or not. And there are consequences if we don't.
Thank you, Christoph! In my experience it works very contraproductive with wives. Personally I would go for the charm offensive if I were you. Turn the mess into one of those things why they love you.The tender and loving "O, my Chris is such a chaotic romantiv" approach.
O, and keeping your cool generally is the only defense against melting. Not that it worked for me last night, but I trust you can do a better job than I!
That sounds pretty effective too, Aya :) Things is, I'm too soft to do that (and she knows that) and - what's worse - it would involve an active role on my part. I'd have to clean up! Do you have any idea of how much I hate that? *lol*
You could try, Benson. But I suspect it may have an effect that's opposite to what you intended to achieve. Teens are known to become rebellious :)
Ananta65, you did a good job!! Great decision making and sticking to your word!! Kids actually wait for us to set the limits, putting our foot down gives them good things to depend on, in an otherwise shaky world. =)) You know me, always spouting off about parenting....it's ok to be "easy" to let them know you love them. However, setting limits and sticking to it is needed.
Sounds like she's got a great dad, to me. =)) your fan, Marisue
Well, the both of us have to see how good we are at sticking with it, but the 'new regime' does work. Her room was clean again this weekend :)
I'm doing my best, Marisue, don't we all? *hug*
I think you've got it! Kids move towards pleasure and away from pain....we all do...it's a matter of setting routines, so it will be a habit! and on to the next issue haha
we're behind you daddddd -)) hug back
We all do, Marisue, it's only natural to seek pleasure.
Now that's a comforting thought! :)
Great hub Ananta brings back memories of my elder daughter when she was still a teen. Grounding did not work, revoking social priviledges did not work. If she did tidy up,after much pressure (she did not like to be pressured) it was to roll all the scattered items into tight little balls and pile them into a cupboard. I made the mistake of opening that cupboard once (talk about Pandora's box) and everything just leapt out at me! She then had the cheek to say "Dad look at the mess you made"!
Today with children and a home of her own nothing has changed!
Great story, Sixtyorso. I must say that I don't dare opening her cupboard either. But at least I got her as far as making sure the room APPEARS tidy. Once she's on her own, she'll be on her own. And I hope that this discipline helps by then.
As a teenager myself, my mother cleaned up almost everything behind my back, so I had to learn to keep things tidy later on. I think it's easier eventually for her if she gets used to the habit of tidying up now.
I had a roommate like this in college because her parents never told her she had to clean. In fact, if she made any kind of a mess they would clean it up for her. This did not work very well when we moved in together because I was constantly having to contend with her layers of clutter around the apartment. I would try to keep up when I could, but I was not her mommy so mostly I just had to put up with an apartment that was not exactly how I would like it. I had a TV in my room, so I just stayed in there more often and did not have to see her mess. One time my sister came to visit and stepped on something sharp, which turned out to be my roommate's hair clip hidden under a blanket on the floor.
At that point I told my roommate my sister injured herself on her mess, which resulted in her cleaning a bit more. However, at the end of that year I decided to move out and get another apartment, but I only cleaned up my mess and not hers. She had a disposable pan in the oven she had used to bake a turkey three weeks earler, but instead of throwing the pan away she left it and the turkey carcass in there. I threw that away, but I let her scrub out the stains. She was upset because she had to clean for the first time when she moved out, but I was not her maid and felt she had to learn sometime.
Right you were, SweetiePie. And just to avoid this I think young adults should learn to take their responsibility. It's important not just for yourself, but also when you get to share living space with somebody. Thank you for reading and commenting.
@Sweetie Pie Xmas here is the middle of summer and I left the remains of a turkey in the oven and forgot about it for about 3 days. On opening the oven the whole darn mess was infested with maggots. I have never left a dish out again and now meticulously clean up after every meal! No matter how late or how tired I am.
That's groce, Sixtyorso :)
I've developed a simple plan that doesn't take a lot of time. I'm a mother of two messy girls who have equally messy kids. I didn't want to hear the bickering any more so I worked up this challenge. Check out my recently published content on AC: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1680810/7 and my blog http://www.no-messy-room.blogspot.com/ a Preteens' Clean Room Challenge . It's a guide for teens on how to clean a messy room doing only 15 minutes a day cleaning! Check it out -- it works! Grandma Terrie
You've said it, Grandma: You've done a lot of work this week. Now it's up to you to keep it nice. *smile*
Wonderful tips! I have a teenager so any advice helps!
I Know that feeling, Useful Knowledge *smile*
She still doesn't do it and then she throws a tantrum that she
is grounded and sulks in her room until Monday and then goes out after school with her friends even if she was told she had to come home right after school and clean it before being aloud to go out with her friends and she'll sneak and skip class or just socialize at school. I've tried everything, she has the hardest head and that's with everything. I never spoiled her, always stood firm, but the older she gets, the harder she gets and eventually I will have to ask her to leave because she has no respect for authority.
Sounds like you have a problem that can't be solved by reading hubs...
gwendymom says:
14 months ago
Lol, I have the same problem at my house. It was easier when they were younger cause I would go into their rooms with a box and say "you can keep whatever toys you can fit in this box, so make your decisions carefully." Now I can't really do that. Not much would fir into that box, and besides shoes and clothes are expensive and I can't just throw them out or give them away. Hmm, glad your way worked. I might have to try it.