Often when people start a relationship they do so for the wrong reasons, or with the wrong person! These reasons can range across a whole list of feelings and situations. I have met many people who are with someone because they are afraid to be alone. They are locked in a relationship where they are not happy, but when I ask them why they don't get out, the response is, sadly, something like "What if I can't find someone else?" or "I'm afraid to be alone". So, they stay in an unhappy relationship, or if they ever DO get out of the relationship they attach themselves to the first person of the opposite sex that shows interest in them, because they hate to be alone. Related to this is another problem, staying together because the couple is comfortable together. They never have to get out of their comfort zone because they have been together for such a long time. However, that really is the only reason why they are together.

Another bad reason that people have when they enter a relationship is to "get back" at someone, or because they are on "the rebound". It IS possible that a relationship started under these less than auspicious circumstances turn out to be a wholesome lasting one....but they are long odds because basically, instead of making a carefully thought out decision, the recently single person, like the person in the first example I gave, leaves long-term compatibility up to chance, and sacrifices it for short term gratification of feeling comfortable or not alone.

The last bad reason I'm going to mention before talking about the solution is sex. People often start relationships because of sex. This is not a smart thing to do, because the ONLY thing that you are SURE to have in common is that you like having sex with each other, and that doesn't always last...so if the relationship is based on that, once it wears off you have a problem. In addition to this there are MANY studies that show that couples who have sex or live together BEFORE getting married end up never getting married or having an unstable relationship or getting a divorce. This is because the relationship started for the wrong reason. Not that sex is bad, it is very good. But it has its place. If you are reading this, by the way, and your purpose is just to get sex, you have probably figured out by now that that is not the purpose of this article.

There ARE ways to avoid these problems and they are very simple. However despite their simplicity it seems that all too often people do not think to employ them in their lives.

The first thing (while most certainly NOT the most important) that a person must consider before entering into a relationship with someone is physical appearance. This is NOT superficial. It is a matter of practicality. Like I said, it is not the most important thing...but it IS important and if it is the first criteria used then it can possibly save a lot of bitterness and dissatisfaction later. It is ALSO a good way of getting a good initial first impression of who the person really is.

For example: If you are a man who is looking for a serious relationship you MUST judge her by appearance first. Does she dress modestly? This is important because it reveals a lot about who she is. If she doesn't then that could mean she doesn't respect her own body, or that she is a slave to fashion, or that she is promiscuous...there ARE girls who dress immodestly who do so because they don't know better, but how do YOU know? You can't ask her...it wouldn't be appropriate, so leave her alone.

Another example: If you are a woman who is looking for a serious relationship you ALSO must judge HIM by appearance first. Is he overweight? This is important for a number of reasons. Despite the obvious one of lowering his attractiveness it has other ramifications. An overweight man is going to be subject to serious health problems later in life. Do you want to deal with that? Also it reflects upon his character, despite the fact that there are some FEW people who REALLY cannot help their weight, in general, an overweight person does not respect themselves and is undisciplined.

Self respect is absolutely vital to having a wholesome relationship because one cannot REALLY respect a partner if he or she does not respect his or her own self. In addition to the few profound reasons given above there is one superficial one that is important despite its shallowness. If the person is attractive to you then you will not mind waking up in the morning to that face. If the person is attractive to you then that is one more thing to help you remain faithful to him or her. If the person is attractive to you it will help the relationship last to the point that looks cease to matter. If the person you are considering is not attractive to you, you might as well forget about him or her. There are MANY people who ARE attractive to you, so you WILL find someone.

As a disclaimer, when I say attractive I don't mean necessarily what the whole world says is attractive, I mean what YOU find attractive, that can be anything, do not restrict yourself to the mainstream. Restrict yourself only to your personal preferences.

The SECOND factor to consider when deciding to start a relationship with someone is compatibility of personality. This is something that you can only measure AFTER spending casual time together, and something that can only TRULY be determined after seeing this person in a variety of different situations. Does the potential mate make you laugh? Are you comfortable around him or her? Do you feel like you have to act differently around him or her than with your friends? Do you feel like you are yourself around him or her? Do you have similar tastes? (This IS important...you've probably heard the idea that opposites attract. This is true...however the attraction is a hot burner but generally short lasting). Do you like the same activities? Ask yourself similar questions before seriously considering this person for a serious relationship. If the person is not enjoyable to be around, if you do not become "addicted", as it were, to being with them, if you don't find them intellectually stimulating...then you might as well forget about the person, even if he or she looks like (insert most attractive person you know here), because physical attraction alone is not enough to keep a relationship going, you will become bored and disillusioned and bitter if you base your relationship solely on physical attraction, and end up ending the relationship.

The next factor to consider is the person's values. This is also something that can really only be determined after seeing the person in a variety of different situations. Does this person uplift you? Does he or she raise you up to their level or drag you down? Does he or she try to get you to do things that you think are wrong? Does he or she have similar political views as you? (Again, this is important because political views are attached to what people think is morally right and wrong and people who have different sets of morals are setting themselves up for a lot of stress and argument later in the relationship once the initial period of looking past differences wears off). Can you trust this person? How does he or she treat his or her family? How does he or she spend money? What kind of cultural background does he or she come from? Does he or she have and value education? The answer to these questions doesn't necessarily have to be what someone might imagine the perfect answer to be, however it is important that the answer be compatible with YOU, whatever it is. If the person is not compatible with you in these ways then you ALSO might as well forget about the person. Because while physical attraction and superficial interest like humor and things are very important and helpful to maintaining the relationship, they will fail if not supported by this bulwark. It doesn't matter HOW good looking the person is or HOW much you like spending time with him or her at the moment.

Finally, the last criteria that needs to be considered is spirituality. I am not here to advocate any faith, but here is my point. If you are strong in your religion, and your potential partner is strong in HIS or HER religion, while you may be able to look past these things in the beginning, they WILL cause problems down the road, especially when children get involved. If you are NOT strong in your religion and the other person IS, or vice versa then you are ALSO setting yourself up for problems. The strong one will encourage the not strong one to participate. If the person who is not strong in their religion does not respond well to this (as is usually the case) then he or she feels nagged and bitter and the other feels frustrated and bitter. Both feel bitter. This is important because religious views, or lack thereof are one of the strongest motivators in the world. If you have dissimilar views, it doesn't matter HOW beautiful the person is, HOW much you enjoy being around him or her, HOW much the person is a good person...there WILL come a time when your religious views clash, no matter what they are. When this happens, it opens the door for more clashes and soon you have an unhappy relationship.

It is true that people have ended up forming long-lasting, meaningful, wholesome, LIFELONG relationships without having followed these ideas or similar ones. However, it is an awfully risky thing to try when the chances of success are so much greater if you follow these steps.

THE END