If I am what everyone says. Which is middle aged. Then by definition I'll live to be 100. My belief is if the good die young. Then I've got a pretty good shot at living forever! Having no viable plans for living past age 30. Has me in a pickle. Live fast die young, and better to burn out than fade away. Just didn't work out for me. Now at age 50. I've shot past any decent chance of being a good-looking corpse. Between the marriages, divorces, kids, grandkids, and diet failures. Death has so far eluded me. I just kinda forgot. I know, I know just sue me. I grew up in the sixties and the catch phrase of my teen years was Never trust anyone over 30. I'm a little out of touch with what catch phrase teens today use. If this is still an adage. Then believe me. I wish you all the luck in the world. I truly hope your fortunate enough not to live past 30. I mean trust is so important. If your a slacker like me and just kinda forget to die young. Then hopefully the advice of someone like me will shine a light on the path to middle age.

First of all never trust any one over age 80. Especially when it comes to directions. The old school house they just told you to turn left at. Is not there anymore. It was torn down during the Urban Renewal Programs of the 1970's. Also bear in mind that people with alzheimers are blissfully unaware they have the disease. Thats worse case scenario. Milder forms of forgetfullness start at age 31. So again don't trust anyone over age 30. Not so much for the forgetful behavior they are just starting to aquire, like forgetting to repay that money you loaned them. But these whipper-snappers will take your job, health, money, and income tax return. We call these people our children.

Next in this long list of helpful hints from a middle ager. Don't buy into scams. I know! Once after reading the cover of a slimfast candy bar box. Which promised to help me lose weight faster. I ate the whole box in the belief I could speed up their already fast process. I'll have you know I didn't lose even 1#, so buyer beware-scam alert. Also don't fall for schemes that only promise half the enchilada. A good example would be donations sent to lung, kidney, heart, diabetes, or ulcer disease foundations. Hold out for the real deal. Soon as someone starts working on the whole enchilada. Which is a cure for death. Expect my check pronto. Otherwise its just a crap shoot. Think of how foolish you'll look at St. Peter's gate. If all your life you donated to the spleen fondation. Then you die from acid-reflux or a viagra overdose.

Next do not believe for love nor money. That you can ever restore lost, vitality, vigor, sexual drive, or hair. Face it if your going bald then just go with it. If you could buy back your hair. Then don't you believe that Donald Trump (one of our nations wealthiest men)would have hair like,Cousin It, from the "Adams Family"? Much better to save your money for a tatto of a comb over on top of your shiny head. If you've lost that old sex drive. Then there is always Bingo. If you lose vitality or vigor? Then the old ways are the best. Take an afternnon nap, wake up tommorow morning. Do this for a month and viola! Vitality is restored. Should be part of a benifits package at work. Call your insurance provider to see if it's offered at your job. If not. Then just do it anyway. Lets call it like it is. We pretend to give them an honest days work, they pretend to give us an honest days wage.

College is a waist of time and money. Mostly the students time, and the parents money. If your freaky little child Timmy is really gifted. Then he shouldn't need college. If Timmy is truly gifted he should not only be able to figure angles on a hypotenuse triangle. He should also be able to figure out where to get his own college money. Remember student loans much like herpes are forever. Heres how to save yourself a bundle. When your gifted little munchkin is still a toddler. Instead of puffing up like a dead armidillo on a hot Texas road bragging endlessly. Instill false information into his brain. Things like 2 plus 2 = 5, or the 33rd president of the United States was Leonard Nimoy. Then by the time the little lint-licker is 18. You will have not only have saved yourself a fortune. But if done correctly could provide a dividend. In the form of disability checks for your Dain-Bramaged child. Face it he was never going to leave home anyway. Overly bright geek children never do. Plus these same overly bright, over-achievers, are prone to murder their parents for inheritance money. You've just dodged two bullets and earned ongoing extra income. If you have more than one child, could net you multiple streams of income. Like those geeky internet gurus are always talking about. By the way internet gurus are the over-acheivers who have murdered their parents for inheritance money. Almost all have graduated from Harvard.

Lastly as tempting as it sounds at this point in life. Never vacation at Nudist Colonies, Nude Beaches, houses of questionable repute. Sovenier tee shirts from these places if they exist. 1) Do not look good on middle age frames 2) Do not make good gifts 3) Are sure to evoke the hand of fate and attract your Pastor's attention when you least expect it. 4) Though sitting next to an attractive 20 something nude sunbather may be your fantasy, I assure you it is not her fantasy to be sitting next to you. 5) Old white spots on a middle aged nudist burn fast and burn deep. 6) Explaining the 3rd degree burns on your wrinkled old white spots is near impossible. 7) That hooker that just said"You're the best"-is lying like a cheap rug.

So in conclusion if you happen to be so unfortunate to have lived till middle age. My advice is to relax and enjoy the ride. Spend the childrens inheritance as if, they were not going to live past age 30. Learn skills that will help you be a popular old fart. Like shuffleboard, bingo, hearts, slot machines, snorting viagra. If you've already wasted your money and paid for your childs college. Consider becoming a burden to them. True you are so proud that your special little child graduated with a 4.0 average, and is now manager of the McDonalds where he worked during high-school. Remember that the high school student working there today. Refers to your little protege' as a "Dill-Weed". Matter of fact we all do. If you've enjoyed these ramblings feel free to visit my blogs at http://www.hootnhowell.blogspot.com/