I enjoy being grouchy all year long, especially when romance is involved. So my barnacle-encrusted heart did a double backflip when I saw I had a chance to answer a request on bad Valentine's Day gifts. So here is my personal selection of ten horrible Valentine's Day gifts.

10. Pregnancy test. Nothing says "utter lack of tact" than a pH-sensitive plastic stick. Good job, buddy. It's probably not even yours anyway.

9. Six-Pack of Snarky Remarks. Can't reduce your sweet baboo's love handles? Cut his ego down to size instead with the first of six custom-crafted, imported insults. Once the wounding begins, saunter at leisure around tender financial, familial and emotional issues, hurling the remaining barbs with delightful indifference and ease.

8. Refried Argument. New arguments take extra resources to create, straining Mother Nature's limited bounty. So if you're seeing red, be a little green with this recycled, 100% post-consumer rehash. Never have to address the moment again -- lurk safely in the bitterness and annoyance of the recent past!

7. Trial Breakup in a Can. Are your romantic bonds chafing to the point of lunacy? Slip your fetters for five minutes up to one full day with NEW Trial Breakup in a Can! Just suggest maybe you SHOULD break up after all and let our product work its cauterizing magic! Not responsible for permanent breakups, though donations are welcome.

6. The Mother Code: Why You Should Listen To Me And Not Your Significant Other, by Mom. Read this cumbersome tome daily, from the moment you wake to the end of the day, and you'll notice a change in your relationship immediately! You'll bring an extra unspoken opinion into every squabble, spat, and quarrel... it's like three people fighting instead of two! Finish the book and get a FREE all-expenses paid weekend at the house! Includes cold bed and doghouse for him.

5. The Toilet Turner. If you resent your S.O. to the point you unwittingly annoy him or her, the Toilet Turner is here to help. Set the dial and the Toilet Turner will either raise the seat every time you leave the room, or leave a feminine unmentionable for his discovery. We make mutual disgust fun!

4. FlashPoint Anger Catalysts (tm). Don't know how to turn the dormant geyser of your cankered relationship into a meaningful, knock-down, drag-out fight? Leave a FlashPoint on your soon-to-be-ex's toothbrush when he sets it down for a split second on a peanut butter jar to adjust his grip. When you take the brush off because, well, that's just filthy, the FlashPoint will channel his unproductive rage and your seething irritation into an eruption fit for the Discover Channel, NOVA, or WWE Pay-Per-View!

3. Henri's Ennui: If you're the exception to the rule, and your love is so steady and deep that nothing will separate you, escape it with Henri's Ennui. Insinuated with mocking care by Henri "Ennui" LePheu of wohoho.oerg, you and your love will spend endless -- and we mean endless -- afternoons, mornings, and commercial breaks watching paint peel and 25 other special effects. Goes great with a Ma Chere's Affair!

2. Ma Chere's Affairs. When one of Mlle. Chere's discreetly packaged affairs lands on your doorstep, you'll have so much fun, or become so angry your vision will black out. Or both! Results are guaranteed! Serves 0-2 people. May generate 1 to 2 extra.

1. Shortcomings Scrapbook. Document every flaw, quirk, and annoying new habit as they are unearthed in the increasingly sifted shallow soil of your dying love. Throw forgiveness to the February winds as you bring up revolting household acts, nasty hygiene routines and deeds of utter, world-ending selfishness. Cry for a few minutes afterward to round out the pathos, then set aside the scrapbook in increasingly shorter intervals until both madness and nirvana are attained.