Top 10 Most Annoying Office Traditions
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Fix Yourself Up Will You?
Today at work we all got one of those e-mails--or more accurately, about six of those e-mails--about an impending visit by a corporate manager, reminding us of the time and date of the visit and insisting that everyone be on their best behavior, have their desks spotless, and be dressed up. In other words, don't be yourself, be some other anal, overdressed person for a day or two, and then once this guy leaves we'll let you know.
Don't you just hate that?
I got to thinking about how many times I've received an e-mail like this one over the course of my working life, and I realized that this particular e-mail is only one of a number of office traditions that just really chap my ass. I thought laying them all out would make a good hub.
Hopefully I can think of ten of them. Here goes:
(Feel free to add any of your own favorites.)
#10 Quick, Everyone Act Professional
You know, if you have to alert your staff a day in advance to tell them to dress correctly, clean the yogurt off their keyboards, put away the Office Space posters and defaced photos of the CEO, and remember to wear shoes, then chances are you aren't really fooling anybody anyway. If, on the other hand, you already have a professional, hard-working staff, why insult their collective intelligence by sending out a notice instructing them all to please keep their fingers out of their butts for a given day so you will look better to Mr. Fancypants?
If you are the sort of manager who sends out this kind of memo, you can be sure that no one cares if you look good or not. Trust me when I assure you that everyone in the office already hates you and hates Mr. Fancypants even more. If you still must send this out, at least try to keep your subordinates from sending out duplicates so that the whole place isn't deluged with dozens of copies of "Don't be a slob on July 22 memos."
#9 Wanna Buy Something For My Kid's School Sale?
Hmmm. Let's see. Do I want to spend $15 for a can of nuts that won't keep my hamster alive for a single day just so your kid can get a free bookmark for raising money for stuff that I already paid property taxes to provide for the little darling? No thank you, and by the way, where is your kid anyway? It looks an awful lot to me like you are selling this stuff, not your kid, and you look pretty old to me. In fact, how do I even know you have a kid? How do I know you aren't selling $15 cans of peanuts just to support your crack habit or something? I mean, I have my own crack habit to support; what makes you think I have an extra $15 in my pocket for every person in this place who claims to have a kid. Maybe I have a kid. Maybe I have eight kids.
How about this: I'll buy your kid's $15 two-ounce jar of peanuts if you pay me $50 for this dog biscuit. Cesar Milan needs a pair of shoes.
#8 Wanna Sponsor Me in the Charity Walk?
Well, do you? Or are you a greedy, selfish bastard who doesn't care if Farm Animals are run over by semi-trucks and then eaten by disease-harboring buzzards? Because if you are one of those disease-harboring buzzard-lovers, fine, I'll leave you to your own private little lonely hell, but to me you looked like you might be a nice person who cares about fluffy things so I thought I'd ask. You can put down as little or as much as you want, and if I walk the entire distance then you pay me anywhere from $100 to $150,000 and you have to buy crap from my kid's school sales for the next twelve years.
Whad-ya say? You're game, right?
#7 Would You Like to Visit My Church?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I did hear you say 'God bless you' to that guy over there when he sneezed just a minute ago, and I've noticed for some time now that you look like kind of a loser, I mean loner, and I wonder if you might not enjoy being my guest for church services this Sunday at Our Lady of the Most Sorrowful Baptismal Drowning at the corner of Vine and Tangle? The service starts prompty at 8:00 am and is ever so much fun. We sing, we praise, we roll around, and then promptly afterward at 1:00 or so we have a lovely jello buffet in the rectory. Can I count on you? No pressure, it's only your immortal soul but of course it's your business, I would never push or pry.
#6 We're Taking Up a Collection for Rodney's Uncle
Rodney over in Central Loan Fulfillment--you know Rodney, right? No? I can't believe you don't know him! You'd like him. He does this Karaoke version of Dancing Queen that is just so... well, nevermind that, the thing is, Rodney has this neighbor whose uncle's shed burned down in a tragic bratwurst fire and now we're all chipping in to cover the deductible on the home insurance because you know how the twins just got braces and his wife has MS and everything? You just never know, do you? You just never know who might be next. Life is too, too crazy. Anyway, we're all chipping in. Most people are down for 5 bucks, how about you? Wait, where are you going? Hello? OK, don't worry, I'll catch you later! See you after lunch!
#5 Wednesday Is Dress Like an Eighties Rock Star Day
Dear Team:
As you know, Wednesday is 'Dress Like an Eighties Rock Star Day' again here at IdioCorp, and once again, the team with the best costumes wins free pizza from the Westside High School Cafeteria and a KISS trophy. Please do NOT even think about wearing some lame zebra t-shirt and jeans and pretend like you are trying. I want to see some real TEAM SPIRIT this year and THIS MEANS YOU! Let's show all the teams here that we are the hottest, most hair-spray-addicted eighties rock stars ever! Let's show them that Team Andrejiewski Rocks!
PS--Anyone arriving for work Wednesday wearing appropriate office attire will be sent home. I'm not kidding. Don't embarrass me again this year or you'll be sorry for a long, long time.
#4 You're Invited to My Tupperware Party!
This is going to be so much fun! Everyone is coming, you are the only one who hasn't RSVP'd yet, but I know you are coming, I just wanted to touch base with you and give you directions to the subdivision and everything. So many people get lost in there. Believe it or not, I even walked into someone else's house once after we first moved in! And now, after living there awhile, that person is my best friend! I think it's so great that we can get together outside of work and bond like this. We just don't get much of a chance to 'hang out' and just be girls anymore, do we? I'm going to be making my famous tri-color jello Cool Whip frosting cake, and just for showing up you will win either a free Tupper pic seal cleaner or a pair of corn on the cob holders! Here's the map. And please, please, please don't think you have to attend just because I am technically your supervisor. You know it isn't like that with us. We're all employees here, we just do different work for the same place.
#3 Secret Santa Gift Exchange!
The last Secret Santa Gift Exchange I participated in went like this: I spent $25 on a nice gift basket filled with some imported cheese and chocolates and received in return a regifted Rube Goldberg plastic hard-boiled eggpeeler in a torn, dirty box. I wish I still had that hardboiled egg-peeler, because if I did I would participate in this year's Secret Santa pool and give it back to some unlucky soul, but I lost it in a move. It was about a foot tall and wide and looked like a big corrugated plastic tube wedged between two wooden plaques. You put the egg inside the corrugated tube and then pushed up and down on the plaques really fast. Then you took out the squashed mess of an egg and picked the loosened shells off of it. Did you know that Santa is an anagram of Satan?
True story.
#2 The Employees with the Highest Sales Get to Play Softball Against the Supervisors!
Really? Can't you just shoot us instead? If I win, seriously, just shoot me right in my cubicle, right then and there, don't make me do this sick thing. I'll bring a plastic tarp to prevent blood stains on the grey carpeted-everything and you just shoot me, because I can't think of anything on this Earth I would rather do LESS that go outside in 90 degree weather and run around the parking lot like a little bitch and sweat and pant while my least favorite people in this whole place make whooping and 'woot-woot' noises for no discernable reason. This is a reward? What do you sadists do as punishment? God help us all. I swear, if you even try to make me do this I'll be on the phone to OSHA faster than you can say, "High five!"
#1 Most Annoying Office Tradition: Bosses Day!
Bosses Day? Are you kididng me? Am I crazy, or doesn't my boss already make way more money than me just to make my life a living hell? And now you want me to pitch in some of that way less hard-earned money to buy this already overpaid toady "something really nice for Bosses Day"? Isn't that what his paycheck is for? What about Employees Day? How about if Mr. Inspiration buys me a really nice gift for insuring he has a job for another day? What are we, serfs? Here's an idea: How about you give him one of those cans of nuts your kid was selling (AGAIN) last week...?
That is, if you really have a kid.
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Comments
Too funny!!!
Hilarious. This is why:1) I love watching The Office, and 2) I'm so happy I work from home.My number one office pet peeve was all of the office food, particularly around Christmas time. Why do colleagues feel the need to bring huge batches of their holiday baking into the office through the entire month of December?I know why. Immediately after baking enormous quantities of cookies and cakes they realized how wide their butt would get if they actually ate all of their baking. Bringing in baking is not a thoughtful gift to co-workers. It is a thinly veiled attempt to pawn off huge amounts of fat and calories on other people and save your own butt. Your chocolate chips cookies may be calling my name around 3:00pm, but I'm on to your game!
Thanks for your comments!
I agree about the food! It's just one food event after another it seems, and it's the LAST thing we need. Christmas is especially lethal.
I love the TV show The Office too. It's SOOOO not that far off reality!
Very cute and funny...and oh so TRUE!
Cute hub! Especially annoying is item #9 from above, especially when it is passed from person to person so people look to see if you bought something and then look to see what you bought.
Thanks for the smile!
Oh, Pam, Pam, Pam...I'm going to TRY to comment without **gloating**. Never mind...I WILL gloat.
I now work at a company that DOESN'T make anybody dress up for ANYBODY, not even visiting VIPs. DOESN'T allow people to collect $$ for ANYTHING. Doesn't allow people to sell ANYTHING for their kids. No social-Siberia-if-you-don't-come parties for Tupperware or lingerie. No "Food Days". No "Dress Like The 60's" days. Nada. None. Come to work, do the job, go home.
HEAVEN!
At first I thought the pay sucked, but figured out what I make now is what used to be left *after* Workplace Extortion...I might even be a little bit ahead. Keeping the office SOCIALpaths at Idiot Inc from smearing my keyboard with Ben-Gay or slashing my tires if I didn't contribute to their causes or play the dress-stupid-for-a-day game cost me roughly $300-$400 a month.
Food in the office? One employer had its own chapter of Weight-Watchers. I kid you not. Had a high-dollar digital scale in one restroom for weigh-ins, held the meetings in the conference room. Had to bite my tongue NOT to suggest that *maybe* if they'd ban Food Days and the mountain of "treats" that came thru the door every day, there'd be no need for WW.
Great hub! Like to never got thru it tho. Had to keep stopping to wipe the tears from laughing so hard! You nailed it!
HAHAHA!!! Oh, God, thank you, thank YOU :::eyes looking at the heavens:::: for my being home and working from home and being away from all the office politics, traditions and cookie sales. When I visited Citicorp 4 years ago, I was wearing my jeans, a casual blouse and flats, and the dept was having an ice cream party with first rate yummy toppings; everyone looked so uptight and at their best behavior because senior management was around; and here I am a former employee having a great time, because I could enjoy my ice cream and be my relaxed self!
Fun hub! You captured the office traditions very well. :)
Thanks for stopping by everyone! New Reflection and Pam Pounds, thanks for the comments. I SO agree about passing around the sign up sheet for the school sale. I finally had to just buy from no one because someone is ALWAYS passing one of these around, and if you buy from one, the others get hurt if you don't buy from them. We aren't supposed to pass these, but TONS of people do it anyway. And the stuff for sale is always such overpriced crap. I'd rather just hand the school 20 bucks directly. I hate those sales.
JamaGenee, I know, I know. I am trying SO HARD to get out of that place, but it's grim out there. I was offered a different job but it had no insurance so I couldn't take it. I will escape eventually. Minimum wage would be fine, just get me outta there, you know?
VioletSun, I hear ya, girl! Why on earth do they insist we participate in these idiotic 'team building' events? Everyone hates them. Do they know how miserable we are? Or do they count on that? At my last corporate job we actually got a threatening note about 'people who refuse to participate in theme days' as if that has ANYTHING to do with our work. I'm so glad you escaped! Woot woot!
Hilarious and exactly on the mark. What about the "compulsory" office party - no spouses allowed. juniors get blotto throw up on the bosses shoes! They tell anyone senior to them how to run the company. 'No reprisals" Ha! thats a good one resentments and reprisals from then on for some time. At least one affair per year starts at the party. Some one always groping some one else. regrets next day hangovers, sheepish looks, Glares and rumours!
Yep great hub!
employee jokes...LOL
Hi concling and sixtyorso! Thanks for your comments!
sixtyorso, you are so right on about the 'compulsory' office party. For the past three months running my team has been 'rewarded' with a night out at a local restaurant with spouses NOT invited. I am 55, most of my team members are in their twenties. The last thing I want to do on a weeknight is hang out at a restaurant and watch the kids I work with get smashed while my partner is at home by himself, especially since I don't drink. So I've quit attending these events, but it does hurt me as far as my chances for promotion and so forth. I make $12 an hour--I don't feel I should have ANY compulsory nonpaid events on my schedule at that pay rate--especially ones that are offered as 'rewards'. If they want to reward me, increase my pay for chrissakes!
PGrundy, you've made my day again! This hub is hilarious, it's cheered me up so much & I really needed it today. Thank-you! Thank-you! Oh, THANK YOU! I especially loved #4... Pure genius!
Thanks Nicole! So glad you're having a better day. Thanks for stopping by and saying hello!
Considering I work in HR and I am the one who normally has to coordinate these crazy events, this hilarious. I love it! Almost as much as "break out sessions" during training and "icebreakers". HA!
Considering I work in HR and I am the one who normally has to coordinate these crazy events, this hilarious. I love it! Almost as much as "break out sessions" during training and "icebreakers". HA!
Hi talisa! Maybe some other people will post some new ideas for you. HR--wow, poor you, having to think all this stuff up! Thanks for your comments!
I like this one! I'd really like to crack open the minds of HR people to find out why they think their inane activities should be deemed as "fun".
The Hub is accurate, the comments are on target! Love this! I wish it could be published in the break room and manual of every company. One company I worked for had all of these things as voluntary. Then we were all evaluated and guess what? In my evaluation I was told I didn't participate enough in the "vountary" activities. I said "Well, it's probably because I'm overloaded at home....could I interest you in a foster child???" they were not amused, but the evalutaion was over and I passed....barely. Turds.
Then, when I was teaching, I joined a sorority who always exchanged pricey gifts that constantly seemed to pass me by, I had a box full of $3.00 statues I gave to "charity." The Trash Can Foundation. Either I didn't look fancy pancy enough or they just loved being mean. I gave them up for a wonderful educational sorority that actually gave to 2 pricey charities a year. It was good.
I'm right there with you on this one Pam...one final memory, our current boss had a brainstorm. After doing who knows what with years of "please the boss gifts" - she asked that anyone who wanted to give her something for Christmas please just donate to a charity she named instead. Annonymously. So, if you did or didn't she didn't want to know. HA! There died the brown nosers.
=)
Too Funny Pam.
Takes me back to when I used to work in an office like that. When you have about 80 people on a floor, the stream of demands is never ending.
The psychological pressure exerted by the practices you mention is intense, and can cause real problems in the workplace for non conformists.
One way of dealing with the constant demands is to decide on the amount you are willing to donate in a time period, and post up a chart in your "cage".
Whenever someone asks for a donation for something, give it to them if there are sufficient "funds" in your kitty, and write down the details on the chart.
If there isn't, just point to the chart, smile apologetically, and bemoan the fact that there are zero funds left for this fortnight.
If it's written down like this, people tend to accept it. The power of a formal looking document is immense.
Hi talentedink, mariesue, and Eric!
I had an opportunity to take a different job today again--and again, no health insurance. Damn! Someday I will get out of there--if we ever get national health care, I will just be a puff of smoke lingering by the front door of corporate HQ, that's how fast I will be outta there...
I've pretty much staked out my turf and a kindly curmudgeon. This means I will not be promoted but on the up side, people leave me alone when they want money, most of the time anyway, finally.
I hate the brown nose the boss thing. That still goes on. And the softball as a reward--that is this month's actual 'reward' where I work. So far, July is my worst sales month ever, thank God!
Thanks for your comments!
Crikey. This health care thing must be a really big issue in the US if you remain in a job like that just to retain it.
We have a system in Australia called Medicare, where all citizens receive free hospital care.
It has good things (free access to the best specialists and treatment in an emergency like heart attack) and disadvantages (waiting several years if you need a hip replacement, dental work, etc. )
There is also a private health care system that costs a family around $300 per month which gives better access to many services, and covers most of the out of poclket costs.
Good luck with finding a better job.
Sure, a company has every right to expect an employee to be part of the collective "team", but participation in "fun" events in the workplace shouldn't be tied to job performance. The last cube farm I worked at, on days I wasn't THE top salesperson, I was #2, and the girl who sat next to me, whom I'd trained, would be #1. Neither of us, however, were office social butterflies, and come performance eval time, guess who got the lowest marks? Because we weren't "team players". Silly us...we thought we were supposed to be selling the company's products, not playing.
As for the no-spouse nights out, I'm with you, Pam. Just give us money instead!
Eric, yes it is a REALLY big deal here. Right now, at last count (I'm getting tired of computing it because it changes so much) I owe about $4900 AFTER insurance for the two days I spent in the hospital last month. Without the insurance it would be closer to $20,000 so far. We are still paying for Bill's gallbladder attack from last year--and he has insurance too--we've got that down to $700 now. Lots of people in the US are so swamped with medical debt they will never be able to catch up, even the ones who have insurance. A private policy I bought myself, if anyone would even insure me at this point could easily exceed $800 a month. But since I had the heart attack symptoms, it's unlikely I could get a policy written.
JamaGenee--Yes, cube farms lately are very big on pretend happiness. If you don't play along it hurts you professionally. I'm to the point where I don't even try to sell anymore. I mean, I hate them that much. They don't deserve good customers. If I could find a way to lose them sales I'd do it. But before I got this burned out I was one of the top sales people too. My last call center job I my performance was ranked #10 out of over 300 people. But they really don't care about anyone, they are just mills, they just grind people up, spit them out, bring in the next load of flesh, do it all over again.
ROFLOL!
Today I hate hubs.(oops No I did not mean that. Smack, smack)
Today's new hubs are all funny and I am laughing too much, that it is becoming not funny.
Great hub thank you.
Thanks for a great start to my day - reminding me how much I enjoy working alone at home.
Great Hub, thanks! Now I don't feel so bad at having all my emails at work delivered to the junk mail folder. It keeps my in-box neat and tidy, and I don't have to read those dreadful "Let's all welcome Suzy to our company family" emails. I simply skim through my junk mail and once a week pick out the one or two that actually have content.
Hi Pam, I had a lot of grins reading this hub! Great stuff. You forgot one -- the FOOTBALL POOL! Or, I guess it could be any sports, except maybe, I don't know ... olympic ice skating probably wouldn't work. Back when I was working in Cubicleland, the endless pressure to throw away several bucks a week on this dumb activity really grated on me. I finally admitted that I hate football, I don't play the Scratch-off games at 7-Eleven, and I have never once been to Vegas. That cleared things up.
Hi Teresa! What an awesome idea--my last cube farm before this one was so bad I'd come back from four days off to 200+ emails, 198 of them unnecessary. Great idea, I'm stealing it, pronto.
Astral Weeks, too, too true--the whole relentless sports-orientation is a total drag and even worse when it involves money. Good for you for opting out. I have taken to making statements that purposely cause discomfort when these kinds of topics come up. For instance, on sports pools I might say, "I don't own a television set right now, but I do enjoy ballet." Then watch people go blank and back away.
Great hub and oh so true. I don't miss working in an office!
That is absolutely HILARIOUS!! Best "office joke" I have ever read in my life!! Thank you so much for brightening my day at the office!
Thanks midnitebluz!
Hiya Andrew, I take your point. (Have I told you about MY cat?) Seriously, I don't think I'm overpaid, but by the same token, I don't know why they haven't fired me yet either, since I hate them a lot and try to be as annoyingly noncompliant as possible whenever possible. I'd gladly trade my good luck for some else's idea of a bad time if only I could find another game in this town. I'm looking hard, getting nowhere. That's likely to continue: I live in Michigan.
Thanks for your comments and for reading my hub. My cat also thanks you.
Too bad all us cube farmers (current and former) can't band together and start our own No Frills cube company. Market it as a place that gets more work done in one day than conventional offices do in a week. Which isn't as far-fetched as it sounds. Due to the corp-sponsored "fun" activities, unapproved...wink wink...fund-raising and sports pools, etc, a study several years ago showed that out of a 40-hour work week, employees only performed the work they were hired to do for *8* hours a week. The majority of which was done on Tuesdays.
btw, you didn't mention one of my workplace pet peeves...the employee whose cube is *plastered* with every photo ever taken of her family and friends, PLUS a collection of figurines, stuffed animals and just plain STUFF, so that the only space left to WORK is a spot the size of a postage stamp. My computer went down one day and the only workstation I could move to belonged to a packrat on vacation. What a nightmare!
Hi pgrundy
This is very funny but TRUE. Is this your genuine idea. Or did you got inspired from someone?
Be Honest
Hi JamaGenee--that's so true about the stuffed animal/packrat thing. That totally flew over my head. I have a calendar and a little plaque that says "Get to work. You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams." I work pretty hard though--I'm pretty much on task every minute and then we all 'donate' about half an hour a day off the clock because we can't finish everything they give us to do on the clock. Everyone there resents that a lot, but they won't pay us.
shoesfact1--Honestly, I wrote it myself based on what annoys me personally. Thanks for the compliment.
Too funny!
Hilarious! I am forwarding to all my other office mates and then calling a quick conference at the water cooler so we can all one-up each other about our weekend plans.
Thanks Stepanie! High five! (I forgot that one too--the 'high five' thing!)
I hate when I get ass itch when sitting in my cubicle. It sucks man. I wish my co-workers would take up some money to buy me some ass ointment. I make the coffee every morning. Damnit. You can't use the toilet paper in the bathroom. It doesn't help. I'm going to get checked for Butt Lice next tuesday.
Funny, well done, and so true, pgrundy. What I hated most, before I retired, was when management asked for contributions, or participation, so the company could boast that 100 percent of employees donated or participated. Employers have no shame!
I love this hub. I was about to say, thank the great pumpkin in the sky that I work at home, but work has become an endless stream of emails. Some days, it's like the only reason I show up and the only way they know I'm there (but don't tell anyone). When I actually check out of reading email to do something that's actually PRODUCTIVE, it feels weird.
But I can do it in my sweats barefoot, so I'm ok. If those are the rules I'll play them for now.
Very funny hub, funny because all 10 ring true!! (I actually used to show up every day, 5 days a week. Now I visit my cubicle every other Tuesday).
By the way, I loved this so much, I submitted it to Mixx and Digg. Hopefully, my friends will visit and vote up. :-)
That's just perfect picture of our corporate culture...I feel so very comfortable with...a real pleasure to promote!
Thanks William, lavenderstreak, stephie, and solarshingles.
I had fun getting this out of my system. William, that's true about the charity contributions and the company wanting to look good. At my current job they have regular volunteer events where they want us to get out in the community and paint walls and so forth, but in my department they don't lean on us too hard--other departments, it's practically required, like, do it or get another job.
lavenderstreak, we just started a pilot work at home program, but I don't want to do call center work in my home. The biggest drawback is they have to have access whenever they want--ick. But I'm trying to get work I can do out of my home for all the reasons you mention and more. I just applied for another job like that. Pray for me.
Great fun reading this hub, I must have been a lucky guy because I was never "forced" to do any of those things. Even though on my first job they use to make this early meetings where everybody had to drink coffee but I never really liked coffee very much so those working day´s beginnings on that company were never good ones for me. I only stay there for almost a year and I never drank coffee again.
This is why I quit my day job.........and don't miss it at all.
One of my bosses in a government job was forced to contribute large sums of money to whichiver politcal party controlled the governors office each year. I always thought that unfair as well.
I worked in an office for a few years that had even more than this top 10 list going on and it was federally grant funded, lol - it lost its funding.
Hi funride, jewels and Patty! It's a thing unto itself, the cube farm, isn't it? I can hardly wait to make my escape. Thanks for your comments!
THANK YOU GOD!!! that i do not work in an office
Yeah it totally sucks. Thanks for reading.
Great hub, pgrundy! I joined hubpages about a week ago and have written 2 hubs. I, too, worked for several employers where some of these annoying traditions were mandated, so to speak. I now work for a great employer, delivering flyers outside. I can wear what I want and only report to the office to pick up more flyers. The rest of my communication with them is through a weekly email and by phone every so often.
One other pet peeve of mine when I did work in an office, was having to look busy, even if I was working on the type of task where there is 'wait time', such as monitoring the printing of reports.
In any event, I have no regrets about leaving the office environment, despite my having been paid more and having medical benefits!
Also, I work as an independent contractor, delivering free publications. This allows me to deduct my insurance costs, as I have a private medical policy.
Again, great hub!
Hi myway! Welcome to Hubpages! I think it's a lot of fun here, I think you'll like it. I used to have one of those independent contractor jobs stocking magazines at local stores. I loved it. Health insurance is unfortunately not affordable for me anymore which is why I'm at the cube farm. I'm thinking of going without it though. I can't take much more of it. It's so abusive--not these silly practices, those are just silly and annoying--I mean work itself is so abusive and its getting worse as people get poorer. I can't take much more of it.
You are so right about the corporate big-wigs, and I agree they are anal. I'm in retail, so when the DM comes in, I don't sweat it a bit because I always do my job right. I don't try to be anyone else. If they don't like it they can take a flying leap!
HILLARIUS HUB THX
I love this! I have received countless such e-mails and find the delete button the only way to sanefully handle these memos of idiocy. It is almost as though we regress in Corporate settings: cliques come back, it's cool to hand out pencils for prizes, and passive aggressive describes everyone in an authoritative role.
Hi jones! Yes, it's like junior high all over again. Ugh!
ha very true! it is a lot like high school or college, just let us do our job! and yes the office is great.
Love these, A+++++
I am pretty sure you and I must workk in the same office! Just last week we had some person from the main office in and not only did we have to do all the things you mentioned while they were there, but also, the blinds had to all be closed so we have a Uniform Look. OMGOSH! SERIOUSLY?!? I sit by the stinking window for a REASON. And it isn't so I can look at a closed blind. Which was dirty, by the way, but that was ok since all the blinds were uniformly dirty, I supposed. I need a new job ...
Me too Whitney, me too. I'm looking, but so far I'm still there. It can always be worse I guess. The blinds thing is hilarious! Hang in there and thanks for commenting.
Great Hub!
Haven't worked in an office in a long time, but it brought back way too many memories.
Thanks lorboy!
I hate the endless emails announcing so and so's uncle died, somebody had twins, and btw, we're taking up a collection for . . . blah blah blah. Less I forget, Friday is jeans day and you can where any color jeans but blue!
Thank you for reminding me why I chose to work from home! How about those awkward birthday parties in the conference room where people who spend their days gabbing with each other can't think of anything to say? For me, the all time worst is when they let you know that one of those "management consultants" (aka Mr. Bowtie) will be spending a couple of weeks interviewing people in order to improve productivity. Time to get your resume in order! Very amusing hub!
Hiya Guru-C,
Yes, 'efficiency experts' are the worst--that's just corporate-speak for "hmm, who to lay off next? CEO needs a new beach house!"
Thanks for your comments! If you've never seen "Office Space" you should rent it asap--it's hilarious, and it's about exactly the scene you describe.
Too Funny. I have never watched the Office, but I have worked in a few -- and this is spot on!
Beautiful -- and sad.
Does #2 really happen?!
It gives you an insight into what 'superiors' really think, doesn't it? I mean, they obviously think playing softball with the paid hands is a form of punishment and therefore, by a rather odd reversal, it must be utterly pleasant to those lower down the food chain.
How I hate the World Corporate.
Great Hub. Thanks.
Hi Tom,
Incredibly, #2 is the actual July sales incentive prize from my actual place of employment. Thank God my sales were terrible this month. Sometimes, even when you win, you lose. Thanks for your comments!
haha great article!
lol I'm still chuckling at the "Wednesday Is Dress Like an Eighties Rock Star Day"
Great hub!
Thanks Grog and PhoneNumbers!
Funny! Office behavior puts the "Fun" in Disfunctional!
Ha ha, great Hub! Reminds me of the movie Office Space where at the end the guy's much happier as a roadside construction worker breathing fresh air than he was as a software engineer :)
Hi Pete, I love Office Space! It's one of my favorite movies.
Brilliant hub. I'm still laughing! Next time I'm on a rant about the state of the UK in general and our National Health Service in particular, I'll pull myself up and remind myself how lucky we are to have all that kind of stuff either for free or at least at minimal cost.
I'm very fortunate to be working in a tiny three person business where civility and consideration for each other are just about the major expectations other than getting the job done. Reading your hub gives me a little snapshot of what purgatory must be like! You've great comedic talent and you're a great writer. Someone out there should give you a job suited to your talents. They're missing out if they don't!
Thank you Amanda! I appreciate you taking the time to say all those nice things. I prefer a small business envirnoment myself--I'm so looking forward to saying good bye to that place! Hope our new President can get some kind of national health plan going for us--if so, I'll leave immediately. Thanks again!
YEssssss. I remember feeling pressured to drink after hours with my work mates. I always made it a point to just nurse one beer all night. I wasnt gonna let my hair down with that lot. Bleah.
Hi hot dorkage! So true--the mandatory after hours tie-one-on hour--I forgot that one, Wise choice on your part! Yikes!
Really funny!! Excellent.
Great hub - made me smile and laugh too !!
Makes me want to pyramid scheme my paradigm shift.
Very funny and witty! Fortunately I've never worked at an office with this "Ridiculous Ten." You obviously spent lots of time on this one.
Thanks you guys. Glad you liked it.
Very funny!!!! I hate the donate to my kids thing. Enough is enough!
how you get such opinion.....??
Is it all your real life??
This is one of the best hubs I have read so far! What, no photo from Office Space?? Anyway, this reminded me of some of my worst moments at a job. The ad agency where everyone was terrified of the creative director, who would scream and yell if he didn't get a first class seat on a flight, and took dubious pleasure in eating packing peanuts. Or the design studio where the boss' wife (who was also the office manager- grrrrr...) would bring their non-potty trained kiddo in and the whole office smelled like Romper Room on its worst day.
Hey, you forgot "let's have a baby shower/wedding shower/goodbye party for _______" and it's during everyone's lunch hour so you don't even get food, yet you have to sit through who knows how long of everyone oohing and aahing over something for someone you'd care less about.
Interesting hub. Great collection. All of your collections looking very beautiful. I am so much impressed by all these. Thanks for sharing this great hub.
Ha! Thanks for the good laugh at work tonight!
This is a fantastic Hub! I needed a good laugh tonight, and your wonderful and skilled writing provided that. I relate to nearly every example sited. I can't believe we all have to endure this! Thanks for sharing your humor.
Anyone using "The Easy Button" ?
As a former, (now retired), medical office manager this article especially #1 is great. I would tell my staff that Boss's day and like days were a figment of the people's imagination at HallMark cards and would not be allowed. However I didn't get away with that. Someone in my office searched around and did indeed find a basis for this particular day. However since I was the boss I forbid any boss's day activity. When the day would arrive I was sure to receive comments about what a grouch I was for not allowing the celebration. Sometimes you just can't win.
Great hub - thanks.
great hub ;) our boss always uses at least 7 rulles in our office.
very nice article
I dont work in an office but I believe you :)
I just came across this hub. This is great! I think the people that go around asking for handouts are the most annoying. I work in an office with 170 other people and somebody always has a sick relative or something.
Did you ever had at your office a "SECRET AND CONFIDENTIAL" review about your boss or workplace? I did, there were only two guys at the place I worked at...
Oh so funny! The best part is, I can relate to 9 out of 10 of those in just the last few weeks. How sad! I hate office traditions!!!
Brilliant hilarious hub, well done and so accurate.
I found the people I used to work with in a bank were way too uptight, and so shockable. When I told our supervisor ( a girl of only about 22 and about 15 years younger than me at the time), that I had been present when my two cats were castrated as I had previously been a vets nurse, I got a distainful look, and the comment "Oh Cindy, do you have to!", as if I had suggested I had been there when it had been done without any anaesthetic! Needless to say I no longer work in the finance industry.
Very funny. You have a real talent for writing comedy. I couldn't stop reading. LOL
Brilliant!!
This. Is. Awesome.
We got a good giggle about this hub in Ryan's morning yawn...chat I mean.
6 was my favourite, until I read 5... then I read 3 and that won hands down!
These are funny! I loved reading them. From the comments, it's amazing how many companies do the same things over and over again as if they are original.
LOL!
Denise Webbing it Up!
www.chistell.com
lots of fun!
haha you summed it up pretty well. :P
HI PGRUNDY,
THESE TIPS ARE VERY PRACTICAL !! GREAT HUB !
THANKS FOR SHARING
super hub!!
Frickin' hilarious!
Very funny hub. So sad because it's so true
lol!... I really had fun reading the funny stories. I believe this is really happening. I also heard some stories like this from my friends.
That's great! Really funny... or maybe really sad. Thanks.
Very funny! Sounds different and cool.
Great post.....I work out of my home office and have for years now. Occasionally I miss the company of other workers around me. Thanks for this post, reminding me why I made the decision to cut all ties with the office scene. Of course with the economy tanking, I predict in a year we will all be begging to get back in, and saying prayers to go back to office politics.
Hi Mary!
I'm actually looking forward to maybe working at home soon, but I think you are right--once it happens I'll probably wish I still had my nightmare job. Thank you for your comments!
I know I commented on this before, but it deserves another. It's AWESOME! I've lived everyone of these horrors more than a few times. Great compilation.
Hi rockinjoe--I just found out that some Indian guy lifted this word for word and published it as a Squidoo lens. That is SO cheeky, you know? '
I'm not sure what I want to do about that kind of thing. It's very time consuming to make an issue of it, but it's pretty bold. Thanks for you comment! I guess HE liked it too!
Sorry I didn't see this sooner. I don't know if you dropped a line to the " powers that be at Squidoo", but I hope you did. And then, right a hub on it, of course. I hope you get em'!
Hi rockingjoe--Well, HubPages removed the copied content flag and Squidoo has pulled the copied article. (Yay!) Now my other top earner has been stolen by some Pakistani guy. I left him an email requesting he remove it or give me credit and link it to the original at HubPages. If he doesn't do it I'll file a report with the website. It's really irritating, isn't it? I mean, I wouldn't care except, you know, I put in all the work writing it, HubPages gets the Google rankings, I start to earn a little ad revenue, and POW--someone across the ocean helps himself. I wish they would knock it off and write their own stuff. Thanks for asking!
So funny and true! I hate the "be on your best behavior for the big boss visit" talks.
Let's all pretend that we all know what we are doing for two days- then we can go back to our slovenly sloppy selves afterwards.
Be youself, but not really!
Hi tourmaline--Exactly! I left my job in October and work on my own now as a retail merchandiser and a freelance writer. Wow do I ever NOT miss the office environment! Thanks for your comment. (o:
This was great fun to read! It makes me think I'm one of the lucky few (very few, it seems!) that isn't subjected to this incredible amount of nonsense!
I inhabit the purest corporate culture you'd be able to conjure up, but these 10 quirky habits sound so totally impossible to happen in my company that I can't but commiserate with the rest of you guys. Not with you anymore Pam ;-)
Maybe it's the different cultural background. Aside from getting plenty of laughs out of me, these habits made me blush, of all things! They seem so inappropriate (so unprofessional, for lack of a better word!) and so, well, retarded!
Thanks for the laughs!
Thank you Elena! I'm glad you at least got a few laughs out of these. Yes, they are retarded! Thank goodness you've been spared them in real life, whatever the reasons. (o:
Hilarious and true. I can't help thinking of 20 more.
I have to say, I like the food people bring in at christmas- I figure I'll get fat(ter) over Christmas anyway so I enjoy the treat. I do agree on your points though, you've managed to convey (brilliantly) what most of us are already thinking!
Nice Work
I haven't ever worked in an office, wanted to eventually, but now would shoot myself if I had to.
It seems there is a lot of "doing everything but the task at hand" goin gon in corporate America. My husband talks about it. He's an upper level manager and will have late days or is compling a presentation or report on SUNDAY because the office-level folks were lolly-gagging or went on a half-day-friday instead of finishing their work.
It was sad, yet mildly amusing, when he came home one day and told me about close to a hundred people getting canned from his local office. I knew stories about these people. Almost everyone who was canned deserved it. It's about time.
(I don't feel too bad, they got good severence)
Hi Andromeda--My two jobs (eight years) in cubicle-land were the worst of my life, the pits. I am out now but I will NEVER go back. I mean it, I'll dig ditches before I do that again. It's no wonder the economy is falling apart, the way these places are run. The wonder is that it didn't happed sooner. Thanks for your comment.
This is hilarious! As it happens, I am a boss and I hate bosses day. It turns into this little fake celebratory thing that makes me uncomfortable. To be honest, whenever "we" create these special days, it becomes perfunctory - even Secretaries Day. If you appreciate someone, appreciate them now and for a specific reason. Otherwise, everyone stands around looking at each other, waiting to eat their cake and go back to their desks!
Amen Gerg! Secretary's Day is dumb too. Sweetest Day is possibly the dumbest of all--a holiday that was actually invented by greeting card companies. In fact, I'll be they also invented Boss's Day and Secretary's Day.
great fun :) good laugh :)
oh my gosh... you have cited my entire week
LOL! Thanks for stopping by Ellen. :)
ha ha ha haaa he eee haaa hoooo ooohh ahhh eeeee
Veronica Bright says:
16 months ago
Great hub! I enjoyed it.
Veronica