The Top 10 Ways to Be a Good Neighbor
80Living - Being at Home
Almost all of us live somewhere. That is a fact. Being alive without being somewhere turns out to be remarkably hard to do. No matter how hard you try, you will find that this is true.
For many of us, the place we decide to do our living most is called our "home." This is where things get tricky. You see, home is often a "somewhere" that ends up someplace next to someone else. That is when the whole neighbor thing comes in.
Apparently, some people have no idea how to be good neighbors. In fact, some people are very bad neighbors and have no clue how to live next to others successfully at all. Fortunately, I am here to help by offering up a bit of friendly neighborhood advice, some good neighbor tips. Below are the top 10 ways to be a good neighbor, the Ten Commandments of the Cul-de-Sac, as it were.
1. Mow your freaking lawn
Seriously. Just mow it. It's not a "wilderness area" and you aren't Al Gore. You want to save the planet, great, but dropping my property value in half because you can't roll off the couch long enough to follow your mower around just isn't working for the rest of us. Hire a neighborhood kid if you're comfortable with your body weight, but get that wild growth cut down. Rent a goat and tie it to a stake. I don't really care. But you're making the whole street look bad.
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2. For the love of God, shut that damn dog up
I swear I wish the Mob offered hitdog services sometimes. There is nothing worse than trying desperately to get some sleep and having to listen to someone's dog all night. I mean, if I thought that a dog was actually barking at a burglar, I'd be fine with that. But that's never what is going on. Most of the time it's just barking at some dumb cat, or it's barking at some other mouthy mutt. The doggy network around a neighborhood can really get tuned up; they all get in on it and the barks start coming from literally everywhere. The thing is, this ain't a Disney movie and all that yapping isn't going to bring the 101 Dalmations home. It's not. Really. So shut your pooch's pie-hole before I let the Mafia in on my awesome hitdog idea. Bring Rover inside if you're one of those people who "don't hear him when he barks." Let him sleep with you since you love him so much. I know none of your neighbors do. (And for what it's worth the Bark Free advertisement up there... those things work. Greatest product in the history of dogs next door.)
3. Park in front of your own house
I get "having company." No problem. You have a big party and people park in front of my house... no problem, I get it. That's why I am such a great neighbor to have. However, don't park your twenty-two year old Toyota Turdmobile outside my front door just because you have nowhere else for it to go. Get rid of it if you don't drive it anymore. Give it to charity. And if your kid is driving it, well... See, unbelievable as this might sound, I like to have company over to my house too, and they get tired of having to walk four miles to visit us because you and your sixty-four kids have filled up the entire street parking all your cars. Tell that enormous herd you spawned to park their cars somewhere else besides right in front of me. (Yes, I know it's a public street, but as you may recall, this top 10 list is about common courtesy. What is legal is not always the same as what is right.)
4. Invite me to your party, or at least give fair warning first
If you're going to fill up the street with cars and have that deejay blasting his incredible wit out into the universe through speakers bigger than a cow, then at least give me a bit of warning first. Let me know so that maybe I can plan to be out of town. Or at least go check into a hotel. Or even better, invite me. If you're going to deprive me of sleep until who knows what A.M., the least you could do is offer to entertain me while I am forced to be awake. Feed me. Let me drink your beer. Something. Just show some courtesy.
5. Deal drugs somewhere else
Ok, I admit I've never had this problem (yet), but I hear it all the time. People selling drugs, sometimes right off of their front lawn. WTF? Dude, I get that drug culture exists and all that. Fine. If the DEA and other law enforcement can't stop it, I'm sure I can't with a blog. However, is there any chance you could just, you know, take that somewhere else? Or at the very least inside? I know you're all scary and stuff, but you do realize that, fear of reprisals and all, at some point I'm still going to turn you in, right? (Woops, big word up there, my bad. I'll help you out. Ree-prize-all: it's what you guys do when someone ‘snitches', yo.) So, yeah, go away. Or just O.D. and die. That's fine too. Your neighbors will thank you either way.
6. Turn your music down
That kick ass stereo you bought rocks. So does your sweet surround-sound. It's awesome. It's so awesome that it shakes the glasses off my shelf. It's even worse if we live in an apartment complex too. It's so loud, I can't read. I can't sleep. I can't even watch TV if my speakers aren't as big as yours. If enough of us get in on one of those stereo volume contests through the walls, we're liable to summon the aliens down. If we make too much noise, we might piss them off enough to make them give up studying us in favor of just wiping us out to shut us up. So stop. Don't be responsible for the annihilation of our world. That's totally un-neighborly.
7. Turn your music up
If you make so much noise when you are having, umm, some form of "romance" that you wake me up, then you are allowed to ignore rule number 6 above. I don't care how good a lover you are or how much your partner really likes to yell. Nor do I care if it's just your way of appreciating all that porn. Whatever it is, nobody wants to hear it, so, given the choice of your wild monkey screams or that noise you think is music, well, the neighborhood vote is in: We'll risk the aliens. (Hey, no faking either, we're not going to buy it if you try to use that as an excuse for skipping number 6 all the time. Nobody has that much energy. We will know if you try to lie.)
8. Take your garbage out
Pretty simple, really. The dead animal stench coming from your rotting garbage makes everyone want to puke, particularly those of us down wind. Same goes for the three foot layer of dog feces you haven't bothered to scoop up off of your back lawn. My god, take Fido for a walk or something. What's wrong with you?
9. Slow down - You drive too fast
I realize you may not have kids. Maybe you do, and you just don't like them very much. Who knows? But the thing is, the rest of us like our kids pretty well. Heck, some of us might even like your kids too. The thing with kids is, especially the little ones, well, they're just not all that smart. They do dumb stuff like run out unexpectedly from between cars, or maybe ride their bicycles in the street. I know, I hear ya, pretty annoying, true; but, well, it's just a reality of life. Good parents keep an eye on their kids, I understand, but, the fact is that good parenting is kind of like the drug enforcement thing I mentioned up above: probably not going to happen just because I wrote this blog. So, in the meantime, if you could ease off the gas while you're rocketing through the neighborhood, that'd be great. Thanks.
10. Fix the F-ing Fence
This is my pet peeve. I swear if I have to fix my fence alone one more time I'm going to shoot myself with the staple gun. We have tremendous winds here sometimes and fences are always blowing down. If you are my neighbor and our fence blows down, get your ass out here and help me put that thing back up. Ok, look, I get that maybe fence building isn't your thing, or you might not even be able to do that kind of work. I seriously have no problem with that. But you know what you can do? You can fork over some money for the materials and any equipment that WE have to rent. Yeah, that's right, stuff that WE, me and you, need to build OUR fence back up, even if I'm doing all the work. Wood, concrete, nails, maybe a posthole digger and other kinds of tools - they don't come cheap. Don't make me pay for them AND do all the labor too. That's just wrong.
Summation
So there you go. 10 easy-to-follow rules that will help make your neighborhood a better place. I'm sure there are other items that you can think of that might take the place of one or another of these on my list, but in my experience, these are the big ones that just keep coming up. Living by these might seem a matter of simple courtesy for some of us, but apparently many people live in a bubble or else they just don't give a --- ...hoot. But, well, maybe this will help them see the error of their ways. I know I'm holding my breath. How about you?
(Stay tuned for my upcoming all dog blog, where we can examine the particularities of the pooch across the fence.)
If you laughed, try the following for more fun:
- What's in your bra?
Absolutely hysterical. - Why did he have to shoot her?
It's funny. Just go read it. - water2gas truth/satire
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Comments
Heh, fun to write. Like therapy while I vent. Thanks for the comment.
Hillarious! You'd think all people would already know these "Common" Courtesies.
That was really good. Lots of truth there.
Yeah, Mumz, seems insane that people don't see it. Thanks for the comment.
Than you too, TPookie. :)
I completely agree with your points! Neighborhood associations exist in some places that help to address some of these issues, but then you get nazi neighbors who are in your face about everything! Even if you don't live in a new subdivision, you could still set one up for your block if everyone agrees to be bound by the rules and you record the rules against the property (OK, my lawyer side is coming out, and it could be a little expensive to get done). The bottom line that you make is that it is common sense and courtesy. Too bad there is not more of that in the world!
It's hilarious that you bring up Nazi neighbors. We tried that very thing and there were these two couples who really seemed to want to put on their SS arm bands and go to town on everyone. Ended up ruining the whole thing and it died due to apathy. <sigh> Thanks for the comment. :)
This is one reason we moved to the country... We still have neighbors but they are far enough away that we can't see or hear them.
Of course we do have nazi deer who eat our plants-- and an occasional bear. Our garden is inside a maximum security enclosure which would allow us to keep some of the overflow from a state penetentiary, should the need arise.
Nazi deer. ROFL. Bear, ok, that's scary. I'd have maximum security too. I grew up in the country, I totally miss it to be honest. Could do without the bugs, used to think I hated them, but now, given what I traded the bugs in for to be in the city, I may be following your example and moving back to the sticks. Thanks for the comment.
Funny, great advice. It seems there's always one house on the block where people just don't have a clue on how to act. The guy at the end of our block has a confederate flag waving from the back of his pickup, which, incidentally he races down the road (and we all know when he's coming, because he doesn't have a muffler). But I'm sure he's meaning no harm.
I'll be looking for the pooch hub. keep writing. Julie
Shades this is enormously funny because it's so dang true....eeeek these have been my neighbors...I hope I was never ever like this for anyone hahahaha
very well done. =) still laughing!!! you made the end of my day great!
Julie, thanks for the comment. I don't know what to say about your neighbor. Let's just hope he's a "character" and nothing more than that. I'm probably stereotyping here, but he doesn't sound like the heavy reader type. Might just be he's out of touch with modern sensibilities is all. LOL.
Appreciate your comment too Marisue; always nice when someone appreciates a joke. Humor can be a fickle friend for us writing types.
Very funny stuff...and spot on! My neighbor had a dog that barked constantly until the whole neighborhood was in an uproar. The dog owners solution was to take the dog to a vet and have his "bark" removed surgically. Thereafter, the poor beast "whisper barked" constantly, but only I was close enough to hear it. I was abandoned to my fate as the problem was "solved" for everyone else. Now, not only did I feel frustrated rage at the endless noise, but guilt for being unknowingly involved in such an awful solution. (Those bark arresters sound like a great way to go, by the way.) How then, did I solve this dilemma you ask? It was easy. The dog people moved to Mexico and took Barky with them. Dumb luck. Works every time. :o) Thanks for a great read!
LOL that's so funny, and a little sad; I can understand how you might have had some guilt. Still, you're not the one who took him to the vet, so.... I've heard that raspy whisper bark you're talking about, but from a cat. LOL. Very pitiful. And, I don't want my blogs to be commercials, but, we had this dog nextdoor at our last house that would do this one single bark, paced out about three or four seconds each... just that. It was like a water drip torture thing. It was so awful. We got the Barkfree and it was hilarious, that dog literally moved to the other side of our neighbors yard. Never even came near our fence again. ... Anyway. Thanks for the nice comment. :)
Thanks for the laugh. Unfortunatly many of my neighbors need to read your page. They park cars on the lawns, park in front of my driveway blocking it, use really stinky clothes softener sheets in the dryer, play the same damn "music"every day (teenagers), seem to run a day care center from a 600 Sq. ft., 2 bedroom house. Every one seems to have one of those small, yappy dogs or a pit bull. I'd like to see some suggestions on how to talk to neighbors, without getting shot, about these things. Help! maybe I'll copy this and put in under the door.
Your home owner's insurance will pay for a new fence. Both of you should make a claim and share the cost, if any, over what the insurance will pay. Just don't make more than one claim a year, or you may be dropped.
Shadesbreath, will you please come to my neighborhood and strangle my neighbor's dog for me? LOL. But seriously - what is up with people that they cannot care for their property? Have they no pride? By the way, I re-read your first couple of sentences about how everyone must live somewhere if you are alive. That is some funny stuff. If you are not careful, it could slip right past you. I like your humor.
Lifedancer, I feel your pain. And that day care thing, that's a good one, didn't even think of that, but that can get interesting too. We used to live in a neighborhood with one of those. 4,000 children screaming all day long makes you want to drink antifreeze or something. The upside on that one though is that at least they have to deal with those kids too. I guess. LOL.
As for homeowners insurance, I'm afraid to use them for anything. They will drop you, or so I've heard, whenever they get the chance. Another one of the world's evils, imo. Good idea gone bad. Anyway, I digress and risk a whole new hub. Heh. Thanks for the comments.
And thanks for yours too, New Day. LOL @ dog strangling, call the mafia hitdog program I guess. Or, seriously, get one of those bark things. I'm telling you, you won't be sorry. And yeah, there is no pride. Not sure why though. Something in the water maybe. Scary though.
Thanks for the comments, I'm glad I could give a chuckle or two. Means a lot.
Sigh you're taking all the fun out of the neighbourly situation. What's a good hood' without some annoying dogs, pimps, ho's and crackheads? Sounds like you need to lighten up a little, watch a little less reality TV, and delight in the "reality show" that are crappy neighbors. Who needs Britney Spears when you got the convenience of an overweight mother of 7 each with it's own individual last name? Lighten up homeskillet and delight in the endless procession of tragedy that is life. Peace!!!
In college, I had a neighbor who parked a van on their lawn, and that's not the funny part. The reason they parked the van there was to tether their donkey...
...A DONKEY IN THEIR FRONT YARD!!!
When I sold that house, i already knew they were stubborn jackasses (the neighbors, not their pet) and wouldn't move it out of courtesy to me, so I rented it from them... Anything to get it off of their front lawn for the day ;-)
Great "thumbs up" post. Made me laugh.
Well, Bob, you got me there. I suppose it could just be a matter of perspective. ROFL. I'll try to work on that.
And, Joel, a donkey? Please tell me it was at least so they could adhere to rule numbe 1 and keep the lawn mowed. Their last name wasn't Clampett was it? Thanks for the thumbs up, appreciate it.
Oh my god. This is one of the best ones I seen here yet! Thanks for the laugh
Shadesbreath,
What a funny but true list of how to be a good neighbor. You have creatively touched on something that everybody can relate to, at least once in their life. I can't wait for the dog Hub. Thanks for the good laugh!
Bettie, thanks for laughing, it means a lot. And Dog, the dog hub is in the works. Thanks for stopping by my hub.
Great tips, if people followed them we'd all get along better.
Yes, we can only wish, Bob. Maybe someday though. In the meantime, thanks for the kind words.
Very funny and honest. I hate fixing the fence all the time. At the very least stop staring at my ass through the window as I'm fixing the damn thing.
Well, I would say that I completely agree, Agro Donkey, but the need to not stare at my ass is largely mitigated (or not) by who is doing the staring.
Thanks for stopping by.
Well that eighty year old man asking me if I want to go into his basement for a popsicle is one thing but staring at my ass as I fix our fence is anouther.
Yes, the 80-year-old man look doesn't fly with me either, I confess. (Oh, here comes the hate mail, but, well, at least I can be honest about what I like.)
OMYgosh Shades-- I didn't know you put a link to my bra thing. Wow, how often does that happen? Thanks!
Rochelle, I was in tears I laughed so hard, and I wasnt' really kidding about you owing me a new keyboard when I commented on that hub. I told you I would link to it. My word is gold. LOL.
I was just reading along and having a good ol' time (great pics btw, they really help make the hub) when I too was shocked to see a little hub love. I feel totally honored. Thanks.
Some people just don't get it--thanks for spelling it out for them! Well written & funny hub!
You bet, Rhym, it was my pleasure, your hub is funny and deserves to be seen. And thanks for your kind words. Making the pictures was almost as fun as the writing was lol. :)
MasonsMom, thanks for your nice comments too. It's always nice to hear that some enjoys something that we write.
Isn't that first picture your own backyard...? How do you neighbors like you lately?
If it were from my back yard, it would hardly have an impact on how my house looked from the front, don't you think? The answer at that point becomes moot.
Hi,
We had neighbors once, (bikers) married with two kids. The husband would often call my husband over to his yard and take him to his shed to show him home-made porn. It was apparently published at some point, and my hubby showed me a pic of the wife tied to a tree in chains, totally naked, and, her hubby told mine that he took it on Mother's Day,,,,,
Another time their son was playing with my daughter, they were very young, maybe 3 and 4, and out the window, what do I see but their son peeing all over my daughter. Yes, his parents were out there with them but I couldn't help but laugh as it was truly innocent, but geeze!
Other than that, they were friendly enough neighbors, 'colorful' comes to mind. To say I was glad when we moved would be an understatement LOL,,,
Thanks for sharing,
Trish
lol Trish.
RULE NUMBER 11: Don't pee on my kids
lol
LOL,,,,,yes! I couldn't agree more :)
This is too funny! I would love to live next door to you.
Ty, Dottie, and by all means please hurry and move here, run off some of the people with sixty-five kids. My god, do these people ever stop breeding?
I really enjoyed this hub, it was hilarious. I've had neighbours who totally don't adhere to rule #6. I've slept with my head up a pillow. It was not fun.
Maylinda,
Done a few nights like that myself. It was worse when I live in apartments, but even now, way out in the sticks, we have neighbors who have parties and the mariachis are still crooning away at 2 a.m. Wouldn't be so bad if they'd follow rule number 4, but they don't. /sigh lol
how true, how true. Great article!
Shadesbreath,
Your first sentence had me in a variety of emotions; first, I laughed until my stomach cramped, then I transitioned into a pensive stage on the philosophy of the possibility of "not almost all of us not living somewhere".
I was moved.
Yes, philosophy is like that. lol. I'm so glad you found the incredible depth of my, erm, like deepness.
Great hub.
After reading your story my neighbors don't sound that all that bad after all!
Amazing what a little perspective can do, eh Karen? LOL.
Hehehe...living on a cul de sac, I can relate to almost all of those...except for the drug dealing (my neighbors are all Mormons).
I offer this one...purely hypothetical...
Should you discover that none of your neighbors has really protected their computers and you can read all their emails and see all the lovely porn sites that they visit...you might not ever want to mention it....
I am proud to claim all the porn sites I would never visit unless I am caught.
Boy am I glad I have 'good' neighbors! :) Uhhh ... well except once during Christmas when they had fireworks! We came home to our yard full of dirt and burnt debris and we had to clean up after their mess! Funny and witty hub but very true. :) Thanks.
I'd have gone over there and told them to clean up their own crap. I'm assuming you probably did though. People are amazing sometimes.
Uhhh no, we (amazingly silly it may seem) cleaned it up ourselves! LOL I guess they should be grateful they have good neighbors like us. At least the following year, they didn't have too much fireworks because they had a new baby in the house. :)
Well, if they do it again, have a big garbage can dumping party at your house that accidently overflows onto their lawn. Oops.
Hahahaha :)
Shades- Brilliant article. You should consider writing a book with your style of writing and content treatment it would be a No.1 Best Seller. Every hub I read I feel it is only better than the best I have read so far. I am sure you are a great neighbor since you are a great human being.
Very kind of you to say, Country. And apparently somebody else liked my article enough to steal it, since I found it ripped off on another website. :(
Shades- I know about that since I came here seeing that message in the forum. Any updates from the webmaster or ISP for such blatant plagiarism.
Yeah, got an email from the webmaster that it's been taken down. :)
Cool congrats. You know something imitation is the best form of flattery. Your articles are so good that people want to plagiarize (now I am wishing somebody finds it worthwhile to plagiarize mine too)...LOL
Reading this, I'm sure we both live in the same neighborhood.
Hysterical!
That's the beauty of humanity (as you, a comedian, well know): we all live in the same neighborhood.
Leave-your-poor-neighbours-alone! Stop minding their business and try to develope some tolerance for your fellow human beings -- or move to the boonies! Intolerant, hypersensitive, nosy, petty people don't belong in the city, perhaps not even in the suburbs: They belong in the woods, in an isolated lumberjack's hut, or on the farm with their cows and pigs! Tschüss, Neighbourhood Nazis!
U.J.:
Spoken by someone who clearly has not the wherewithal to comprehend the nature of property value much less mutual respect. You go ahead and enjoy your declining, run down neighborhood with all its lovely, tolerant, unpetty blight, filth and crime. I won't even bother following up the equity implications as I can only assume you rent.
Hey U_J:
LOVE your comment, and the total free wheeling attitude.
My Taiko Drumming group was looking for somewhere to practice 7 days a week, 14 hours a day, and we've just rented the place next door to you. I'm sure you won't have any problems with that, will you!
There are about 30 of us, our drums are the size of a large wine barrel, and the noise we make while playing is only slightly louder than a jumbo jet taking off.
Best of all, we're not intolerant, hypersensitive, nosy, or any of those terrible things that you hate. Looking forward to meeting up with ya, NEIGHBUR!
(P.S. Hi shades, Good to see you making the odd post. Hope all is well with you.)
I must have lived in your neighbourhood because I've had those same neighbours! Hope the ones that need to read this, do.
I'm thinking that those doggy barking determent thingys would make great, neighbourly Christmas presents! (I had inserted something else here, but decided it was a bad idea)
Great hub, Shades!
Better Living says:
17 months ago
Hilarious!