Top 5 Worst Video Game Reviews

The Top 5 Worst Video Game Reviews

Videogame reviews are a tricky business, don't be fooled. For the enthusiast, they look like the best job in the world. What could be better than to play a videogame and get paid for it?

Well, not all is as it seems, and as the print slowly fades away due to the pressure of online journalism, the competition for page clicks and first reviews has gone through the roof. Games journalism, already assumed (correctly or not) to be in the pocket of big publishers, are often forced to make deals with the devil for first access to reviewable copies of game, advertising dollars, or exclusive content for their particular outlet.

This can all lead to bumped scores, inaccurate reviews of half-played games, or reviews that read like advertising copy. The following list gives a quick rundown of some of the more egregious examples of poor videogame reviewing practice.

#5- IGN's review of Ninjabread Man

Let's get it out of the way-Ninjabread Man is not a good game, which the IGN score reflects. In fact, most of their complaints are valid. So, off the bat, I am admitting to agreeing with IGN's analysis of the game. Why, then, does it make the list? Because it exemplifies one of the most annoying habits reviewers tend to have: going completely overboard with a bad review.

IGN in particular is guilty of inflated scores for most of their games (take, for example, their review of the recent critical flop Too Human). They are not alone, however, in rating the vast majority of the games that come across their desk between the 7 and 10 mark, even the most mediocre games.

It seems that when the opportunity to review a truly awful game where a panning will not harm their relationship with developers, they leap at the opportunity with a bloodthirsty glint in their eyes. Jumping from to a score of 1 on a 10 point scale when 99% of the other reviews are with in the top 30% of their scale shows the inaccuracy of their reviews. If they were being truly consistent with their point-scale, these awful games would merit a 5 at best.

#4- Nintendo Power's Final Fantasy 3 review

If you played videogames in between the years of 1989 and 1995, chances are you had a subscription to Nintendo Power. Although obvious today, during those early years it was easy to miss that Nintendo Power was a blatant arm of Nintendo of America, used for marketing their games to gullible kids. Recently, Nintendo Power has been cut loose and regained editorial integrity, but its golden years were defined by is slavish devotion to NOA's dictates.

Which brings us to the #4 entry. If you go down any list of great SNES games- or even just greatest games of all time- chances are you'll see Square's classic Final Fantasy 3. Why, then, did Nintendo Power rate it a relatively meager 3.5 out of 5? In the same issue, they rated the (Nintendo published) Killer Instinct a perfect 5, leading you to wonder what exactly the reviewers were trying to accomplish.

Complaining about stuffy dialogue, Nintendo Power ranked it equal to forgettable yawners like Magic Sword and Road Runner's Death Valley Rally. I guess beloved masterpieces can't steal the thunder from forgettable fighting franchises.

#3- Gamedaily's Kirby Super Star Ultra review

A review so bad it inspired this entire article. Kirby's Super Star on the SNES is without a doubt the best game in the Kirby series. Varied gameplay, beautiful 2D graphics, and an amazing implementation of Kirby's signature enemy-copying powers made this late comer a real treat during the final days of the Super Nintendo.

The reviewer, Chris Buffa, claims to be a Kirby fan, but apparently the best game in a series that hasn't had a significant new game in years just isn't his cup of tea. The game is divided into four unlockable levels, plus the epic treasure hunt in the "Great Cave Offensive." Buffa claims the first of these unlockable levels is too short and easy to be a whole game. Which is correct, because it is easy (being the first level) and it isn't the whole game. Not even the tip of the iceberg.

Most of the review is contradictory. It complains about the fun, fast-paced unlockable games being nothing more than mini-games, and then complains about the classic Kirby gameplay being more of the same. The real crime committed in this review is that it might scare some unwitting gamers away from the oft-overlooked classic.

#2- Shane Bettenhausen on Metal Gear Solid 4

On the 1Up networks weekly podcast 1Up Yours June 13th episode, Shane Bettenhausen preaches the true gospel of Metal Gear. Describing the game in ways which one usually reserves for deities, Bettenhausen preaches to the choir about the glories of MGS4. Even the mildest difference of opinion is met with a raised voice and derision.

Megal Gear Solid 4 is an ambitious game, and certainly deserves much of the praise it receives. The story, however, is rightly derided for being both indecipherable and preachy. Bettenhausen, however, believes anyone who doesn't care for (or follow) the muddled story of Metal Gear Solid 4 to be "peasants."

Bettenhausen, in addition to his job as a games journalist for EGM and the 1UP network, provided final play-testing and QA for Metal Gear Solid 4 in Japan. To their credit, they took Shane off their official reviews, reaffirming their status as one of the few reliably ethical journalism outlets for videogames. The podcast review, wrap-ups, and discussions featuring Shane were both obnoxious and insulting to fans and readers.

Bettenhausen is capable of great writing and this shouldn't way too heavily against him in the overall balance, but it is a clear example of hubris and bias overtaking a journalist.

#1- Tim Rogers reviews Super Mario Galaxy

Tim Rogers. Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim Rogers. What is there to say about this cat? A man who believes that Earthbound is the greatest game ever because it lets you name the main character "fuck." Renowned for his verbose and often ridiculous video game articles, he has become the very definition of pretension in games journalism.

In his truly awful Super Mario Galaxy review, Rogers complains for pages (literally!) about how easy the game is. We're sorry, Tim. We're all sorry that a Super Mario game on the casual friendly Wii is too easy for someone who has spent his entire life memorizing Treasure shooters.

Super Mario Galaxy is inarguably one of the best games to come out in recent years, and quite possibly the best Mario game ever made. It has all the light-hearted fancy you would expect in a Mario game, while moving it in a new direction (or rather, letting YOU move in all directions) while featuring more throwbacks to the classics than any previous game in the series. To hate Super Mario Galaxy is to hate the very core of gaming, the heart of what makes nerding out in front of a TV still fun after all these years.

Rogers closes out his novel length review with the following quote:

"Just recently, though, I drove down the Pacific Coast Highway from San Francisco to Los Angeles. No guard rails, no lights, no reflectors, a brilliant ocean pounding on rocks 2,000 feet below, stars filling the sky late at night. It was terrifying and visceral. A sign at one point in the road showed a squiggly arrow - used to indicate bendy roads - and a sign beneath it read: "NEXT 74 MILES". Nine hours later, we were on Hollywood Boulevard, looking for a parking space for a half an hour. What I'm saying is, we need more games that are about driving down the Pacific Coast Highway with a hot blonde, and less games that are about looking for parking spaces. Super Mario Galaxy is ultimately a blue-baller; I will never play it again. I've parked that car two hundred and forty times, and eaten the keys."

What. Listen, maybe if Rogers spent more time making cogent arguments instead of writing about your awesome trips to LA, he wouldn't be the joke he is.

So, there's five awful review for you. No lies, maybe some slander. But, hey, I'm part of the problem. I just gave Tim Rogers and IGN some hits and linkbacks, helping to keep those advertising dollars chugging in. So, blame me the next time you see a 15 page article about how the latest Zelda game isn't making enough kids cry out of frustration

This was the first article I ever created using the Hubpages tools.  I came back to revise it and wasn't particularly thrilled with what I wrote.  Outside of technical failings, I think it was a lazy attempt at an article.  A few of the choices were poorly researched.  I think I was particularly unfair to Shane Bettenhausen, who I was using as an easy target at the time.

I think I had some good points mixed in with unappealing writing and some shoddy work, so I'll leave it up for now with the caveat that I made some mistakes.  I'd like to revisit this topic in the future now that I've improved a little bit.