Funny Sayings Joke #1:

(Contributed by anonymous)

Why the third hand on the watch is called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

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Funny Sayings Joke #2:

(Contributed by anonymous)

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why are a "wise man" and a “wise guy” opposite?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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Funny Sayings Joke #3:

(Contributed by anonymous)

• Confusion not only reigns, it pours.

Constant change is here to stay.

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... Till you can find a rock.

• Do steam rollers really roll steam?

Do witches run spell checkers?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.

• Don't look back; they might be gaining on you.

Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.

• Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.

Exceptions always outnumber rules.

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Funny Sayings Joke #4:

(Contributed by anonymous)

If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

Seen it all, done it all, heard it all...just can't remember it all.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.

Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody...and you're next.

And your point is...?

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Funny Sayings Joke #5:

(Contributed by anonymous)

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

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Funny Sayings Joke #6:

(Contributed by anonymous)

• Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. - Olivier

• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Floggings will continue until morale improves.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

• Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!

Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friendship is one soul in two bodies.

• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.

• Grow your own dope... plant a man.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!

Gun control is being able to hit your target!

He who hesitates is probably right.

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Funny Sayings Joke #7:

(Contributed by anonymous)

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurt, everything else felt great.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

Even on the right track you'll surely get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist knows it.

"People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them somebody famous said them first." - Benjamin Franklin

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere, as long as it's an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stopped laughing.

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Funny Sayings Joke #8:

(Contributed by anonymous)

• What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

• What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

Beat it -- we're closed.

• Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

To find a tight seal.

• What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

• What's the difference between sin and shame?

It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

• What's the ultimate rejection?

When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

• Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

• Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

• Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

He heard the snow blower coming.

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Funny Sayings Joke #9:

(Contributed by anonymous)

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house, Amanpreet asked...

“What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth...

"This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Preet...

"Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked Preet.

The lad smiled and replied...

"Applied psychology."

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