1.)Using Blue Material

Seems most new comics take a shot with blue material right out of the chute. It's easy to write, there are never-ending topics and your new bit on getting caught playing with yourself by your dad was a big hit with your friends. Why did it bomb at the club? Well, for one, what might get a chuckle out of me if I were alone, might get me pissed off if I were in your audience with my wife, mom or sister. Unless you're Chris Rock or Lisa Lampanelli and I know what material you're going to be doing in advance, don't think you're going to walk out on stage and verbally spank your monkey in front of me. You'll embarrass yourself and make a bad impression on those who give you stage time. There's lots to write about. Try challenging yourself by getting out of your pants and writing something we'll all appreciate.

2.)Drinking Before or During Your Act

I'm not trying to be a prude here, as I've been known to imbibe on occassion, but you won't see me drinking (other than a Coke or water) before or during my act. Sure, I know you want to loosen up a bit. What's wrong with a couple of beers? Well, nothing really, but if you want to appear professional, you have to act professional. When a club owner sees you drinking before or during a show (even if he or she doesn't say anything-and they won't), you're leaving a poor impression as a comic. Would you ever think of showing up at your real job at Wal Mart and pull out a beer while ringing up your customers at the checkout? Of course not. Don't do it on stage either. Celebrate with a drink AFTER you get off stage.

3.) Dressing Like a Slob

This will not only cost you points in the real world, but unless it is an essential part (prop) for your act, don't dress like a slob. I don't care how funny you are, slobs don't get far. Dirty sneakers, perspiration stained T-shirts and lint covered pants look twice as bad under the lights. Make a good impression on your audience, booker and the club manager. Take a shower, get some clean clothes and look professional.

4.) Getting Caught Up in the Rumor Mill

The comedy world is full of gossipers, insecure backstabbers and a wide selection of egomaniacs. That's the nature of the business. During your time in comedy, you'll meet the good and the bad. Know the difference and don't get caught up in any drama concerning another comedian, a club, a waitress, club manager, etc. You'll live to regret it. Remember what Michael Corleone said in the Godfather films. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." He was speaking of standup comics.

5.) Letting a Bad Show Affect Your Life

There were times when I was starting off that having a bad show would screw up my entire week. If you have a bad set, shake it off and get back on stage as soon as possible. There's nothing I can tell you besides that. Don't try to over analyze your set. Did the audience suck? Did you suck? It doesn't matter. You bombed. Get over it.

6.) Rushing to the Paid Gig

Lots of you may disagree with me on this one, but you've got to walk before you can run. I did open mics for a few months before I was offered my first paid gig at a hotel event. I was getting paid $20 to open for the opening comic. I didn't care. It was my Vegas. I had 20 of my friends in the audience and I was so nervous I felt like I was about to give birth. The sound system couldn't accomodate the acoustic-pickup on my guitar (an essential part of my act) and to compensate for the loss in volume (in a huge banquet room), I strummed the strings so hard, I broke 3 of them during the worst 10 minute set of my life. To add insult to injury, when I introduced the "real opening act" , he came out onstage, shook my hand and said to me, "Let me show you how it's done." He then proceeded to kill. I was devastated. I walked off-stage with my tail between my legs. I never forgot that first paid gig and I never will. Make sure you know what you're doing the first time you walk out on stage for real money.

7.) Letting It Go To Your Head

You've had a long string of killer sets and you're starting to reap the benefits of your work. Paid gigs, girls, more paid gigs, more girls, and of course free potato skins. When you start to get good it can go to your head very easily. When I started to do really well, I was offered a gig at the #1 radio station in Rhode Island. I opened for John Cafferty in front of a hot crowd of 5000 people and absolutely crushed. It goes to your head. A healthy ego is good. An out of control ego is not. You'll lose friends, contacts and worst of all focus. Watch your head.

8.)Assuming All Clubs Are Alike

Every venue is different. If you're appearing say, at a professional comedy club, expect an audience who knows they are in for a great night of comedy and a staff of people who will do everything in their power to ensure a fantastic show for all concerned. A professional club will ensure that the wait staff whisper while taking orders, seat people at the front of the stage and very politely ask hecklers to quiet it down. Your sound system will be top notch and tested before the show and the lights will be working fine. If there are any last minute problems, they'll be handled. It's NOT like that everywhere you perform. Trust me. I have had the worst hell gigs in comedy history. I've opened for metal bands where the audience had NO intention of listening to my act, appeared after strippers, (which is never a good idea, trust me), performed in a club with a fight breaking out in front of me, performed at a bar where a drunk woman climbed up on stage, grabbed the microphone out of the stand and started singing, and much much, more. My advice to you is to try and get the skinny on the gig , in advance of your appearance. You won't always be able to do this. There are HELL GIGS waiting for you. Just don't be of the mind where you think you'll walk into every gig and have smooth sailing 100% of the time. It's NOT gonna happen.

9.)Don't Break Time Rules in Clubs

If they tell you to do 5 minutes and keep it tight, then do 5 minutes, or just under. Not 7, not 10, do 5. Trust me, that 5 doesn't mean 10-even if you're killing. If the feature act or headliner does it, it's not ok for you to do it. You're not them. Stick to your time and you'll show your professionalism. Get the trust of the booker, manager club owner and that's one less act they have to worry about. You'll work more.

10.)Watch Your Mouth

I've been known to drop the "F" bomb on stage, but when I do, it's well placed and well timed. Don't use the F word as an adjective. It will work against you. Those in power might not say anything to you about it, they'll just call you less and less. Know your audience before you walk out on stage. Is there a priest out there? Don't use the F word. Is your mom out there? Don't use the F word. I think you get the point. Oh, and I shouldn't even have to mention this, because it should go without saying, but just in case you think you're above everyone else in the business, it's NEVER a good idea to use the "C" word on stage. EVER. Drill that into your head. NO "C" WORD!! It's an instant career killer. You will never work again, your parents will disown you and you will probably have to move out of state.