Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Zombie
70
Zombie Banks Need Zombie Customers
If you turn on the news even occasionally these days, you're no doubt familiar with the term 'zombie bank'. A zombie bank is a bank that is already functionally dead and bankrupt, but is being artificially kept alive through infusions of cash from living taxpayers.
The U.S. govenment probably has all kinds of interesting reasons for feeding the flesh of living American workers to these institutions to keep them alive. We can't know for sure what those reasons are because right now the government isn't really talking about that very much. We are told the zombies are currently undergoing 'stress tests' to assess their condition and relative health. OK. Whatever.
Me, I'm thinking that, um, a zombie is pretty much already dead anyway you slice it, so putting a zombie on a treadmill to see how its heart is functioning might not be the best way to go. For one thing, it's really going to slime up your treadmill, and for another, once you get those test results back, all you're going to find out is, that thing never had a heart!
I guess Tim Geithner hasn't seen too many horror flicks.
I guess that's as it should be though; I guess Tim has to go through whatever steps Tim thinks are necessary to deal with this horrendous bloody mess. Who am I to give advice on such weighty issues as zombified high finance? I don't even use Turbo Tax.
I will say this much:That's not how they deal with zombies in the movies, Tim.
Ask George Romero. Or better yet, rent Night of the Living Dead.
What you might not realize (assuming you've read this far) is that just as there are zombie banks out there sucking up the blood of the living, there are also intellectual and emotional human zombies wandering the American landscape, virtual and otherwise, in an endless search for living human flesh. These human zombies are completely dead emotionally and intellectually, and have been for quite some time. And now, with their major institutions threatened and their zombie masters in peril, they are really, really pissed.
Intellectual zombies have one emotion: Rage. And one thought: Kill!
All other nuances of human experience have been extinguished in them. Zombies often think (to the degree that they can think) that they hate zombie banks, but strangely (or not) their thought processes (rage! kill! eat human flesh!) help to support zombie banks by creating a social climate in which carnage and extreme selfishness (eat! kill! me! me! me!) becomes the norm.
Because many zombies probably don't even realize that they are now a part of a financial slave army of the walking undead, I thought it might be helpful to post this list of common symptoms and signs.
Bon appetit!
You Might Be a Zombie If...
#1--Your idea of a devastating intellectual argument is, "F#2k you!" "F#2K you!" is actually the zombie equivalent of "I know you are but what am I?" Even though getting to this argument is seen as the height of intellectual prowess and wit by other zombies, for living people it's just kind of disgusting. (Oh and BTW, you're dripping maggots on my couch, please stop it, will you?)
#2--You think personal attacks are the same thing as ideas. Actually only zombies think this. If you can call that thinking. When living people who still have fully functioning brains encounter an idea they find troubling or wrong, they offer counterarguments and evidence for an opposing or alternate idea. Zombies, on the other hand, just try to take a big gooey bite out of the living person. Any zombie reading this only saw the words, "Kill! Eat! Me! Me! Me!" so if you read this and actually understood it you're probaby not a zombie.
#3--You think the penalty for anyone who disagrees with you should be death. Dude, lighten up. Living breathing ordinary people don't take every last conversation so seriously. Go have a cookie or a cup of coffee or something. Oh, I forgot, you can't. You're completely dead inside. Kill! Eat!
#4--You hate other people's ideas but when asked for your own you can't remember any. If after you bark something, other people ask you what your opinion is and you discover that all you can do is emit more enraged growling noises while blood spurts out your nose, then dude, you might be a zombie.
#5--You think Rush Limbaugh is hilarious. Actually about 10% of Americans do think this (most of them are pissed off undead white guys) but no monkeys do, and no living, feeling, thinking people do.
#6--You equate caring with weakness. If you think that anyone with a social conscience or sense of compassion is a weakling who will die when the titans of pure Capitalism finally hold total sway, as well they should, you not only might be a zombie, you'd make a great banker!
#7--You haven't had sex in a really, really long time. Zombies don't have sex with each other (what's the point?) and living people are repelled by the idea of sex with the rotting undead because it smells and they get devoured afterwards. If women run from you in terror and you have regular fantasies involving Ann Coulter, you might be a zombie.
#8--You possess any sticker or poster on which the words 'No Fat Chicks' appear. This kind of relates to #7. If you have ever so much as uttered the words "no fat chicks," you can be pretty sure there isn't a fat chick this side of Arkansas who would get within a mile of you on a bet--because, seriously, look in the mirror Zombie-breath.
#9--You think there are only two kinds of people and you are the good kind. There are lots of kinds of people, lots of different ideas, lots of ways of viewing the world. Only the undead put people into one of two categories: dead and undead. Guess which category you are in?
#10--You want to f#@k me up right this minute. If you've made it to the end of this list of symptoms and you are roaring and pounding your keepboard and looking for the letter 'f' but it's really hard to find because you are so mad, sorry to break the news to you, but you're probably a zombie.
|
Night of the Living Dead
Price: $4.56
List Price: $9.95 |
|
Night of the Living Dead - In COLOR! Also Includes the Original Black-and-White Version which has been Beautifully Restored and Enhanced!
Price: $8.04
List Price: $14.95 |
|
Night of the Living Dead (Millennium Edition)
Price: $7.48
List Price: $14.98 |
|
Night of the Living Dead
Price: $10.50
List Price: $14.95 |
PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
Pg, to be fair, how about another zombie sign - on the 'left' side of the political spectrum - the zombie undead are attracted to both sides.
#11--You think Keith Olbermann on MSNBC is unbiased - fair and balanced when it comes to Bush or Palin. Consider how Ben Affleck on SNL mocked Keith Olbermann - Hating, Hating, Hating - it was hilarious - BUT, even after he made his point, the skit kept going on - minute after minute after minute. Enough already.
And if you want to see a great example of #2, try democraticunderground.com and search for "Sarah Palin wearing white". Example: Actually, she's abandoned her porn-flick "dressed in black, nasty teacher" look and replaced it with porn's "all-white uniform, nasty nurse" look. Well, at least they were able to write a complete sentence with proper punctionation!
Great Hub!
I thought I was a zombie once, but it just turned out to be something I ate. Whew.
As we used to say in the USN, "OutF#2KINGstanding!"
But, we the living must be very careful because the Zombies are massing for another attack!
Oh dear....I am surrounded!!!!!!!
I am not sure if Fantasy about Ann Coulter, conclusively mean your a Zombie.
TMG
LOL, this is first class!
I'm going to go find some popcorn to enjoy when people start showing up to prove your point.
LOL Pam, you cracked me up - I just have to be a zombe, you know, your #10, well, I don't mind at all, without "up" of course :P LOL Say hi to your boyfriend for me :D
LOL! You're not a zombie, Misha!
I had to get this out of my system you guys. (TMG--Ann Coulter, seriously? Well, you ARE a guy!)
kerryg & teresa--I'm set up with some popcorn myself. Don't plan to say much. :)
Everyone--Grrrrr! lol!
ROFL! Genius Pam! :D i'm so glad to know this, because they seem to be everywhere only i didn't know they were zombies! Thank you for the major laughs. :) I'm assuming that the old school method of knocking their head off is the only way to make sure they stay down and dead. I just wish there was another way. ;)
LOL, this is great! Very well stated and another word of Zombie could be apathy!
LOL Pam! I love it. Funny, I've had zombies for housemates and they are not fun to live with. One of them once roared at me "Your writing sucks and you should quit and become an artist!" Funny, in our alleged critique swap, I had waded through a good proofread and helpful suggestions on four of his stories even though none of them were remotely to my taste, yet he had never reciprocated or read anything I wrote. So that took a lot of the sting out of that comment. All he did was remember that it bugged me when someone said that. Sometimes the zombies are short on brains and they can get ludicrous when they contradict themselves. They can be dangerous if you're too sick to get out of bed though. Robert
You also might be a zombie if your name is Barack Obama and you can't make a speech without a teleprompter.
Check this video out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDJSVPAx8xc
Pam what an amazing Hub, you have finally got Misha and I to have at last found something in common .
I may not have put it quite that way though. lol
Go Pam!!!
Simply brilliant!
That was fun! Of all things, #7 cracked me up! Well, all of it did, but #7 was particularly, errrr, zombie like! Laugh!
I am a trained and licensed Zombie killer (that is, one who kills Zombies, not a Zombie that kills.) Do not try to do it yourself. Hire a professional. I am available. Call 1-800-DIE-ZOMB. Thank you.
Found my favorite quotation from the original Romero masterpiece:
Field Reporter: Chief, if I were surrounded by eight or ten of these things, would I stand a chance with them? Sheriff McClelland: Well, there's no problem. If you have a gun, shoot 'em in the head. That's a sure way to kill 'em. If you don't, get yourself a club or a torch. Beat 'em or burn 'em. They go up pretty easy.
Thank you
Teresa, not far from that quote is my own personal favorite:
"Yeah they're dead...They're uh, they're all messed up."
Actually I thought the original was kind of in a class of its own insofar as it kicked zombie cinema into the realm of social commentary in a really jarring way. But it only was really effective that first time. A good parody though is "Shaun of the Dead." That one did something a little different with it, a little more lighthearted.
You probably can already tell, but I love this stuff--give me a monster, a zombie, an alien, a vampire, a ghost--any of that and I'm happy.
I have to agree with everything you just said. I was impressed that in Romero's movie, the protagonist carefully decided what to do next, and you think his decisions are logical -- but it was always the wrong thing. Then at the end he gets mistaken for a zombie himself and shot. Ouch. Shaun of the Dead is really very funny. My other favorite in the genre is Gary Larson's cartoon, Night of the Living Dead Chipmunks.
Bags of laughs PGrundy. Your sense of humor is priceless.
Shaun of the Dead is very funny, and so is this hub! Pam, I wonder if the zombies would recognise themselves if they stopped by and read this?
Hilarious! I especially love the list, and #1 is priceless!
PS: You made the Naked Hubbers hub! http://hubpages.com/hub/Naked-Hubbers-The-Bare-Fac
Hi Amanda--A few already did, hence the protests. I wrote it for myself though, just to blow off some steam. I'm so tired of nasty stupid people. That's blunt, but really, it does come down to that. What ever happened to manners? They sure are in short supply lately on this side of the Atlantic. I hope it's better on your side!
CW--how naughty! And fun! I'm honored to have been included. :o)
remember that zombies need to eat the brains of living people, makes you wonder how many zombies are actually out there
Fantastic! An ingenious way of showing the similarities. Thumbs up.
I am so relieved not to be a zombie. As I get older, things start to look as if they want to fall off, so I got worried.
Pgrundy, I think I have zombie syndrome. Please advise me.If I am eating cheesecake or prawns my favourite things in the world, I pretend not to hear someone talking to me as I just don't want to stop eating .They yell out "Hello are you deaf or a Zombie"....Blondy keeps chewing.
As I was telling imadork earlier, my first eyebrow wax was a disaster (good zombie setting). My hands were shaking so bad I accidentally took her whole eyebrow off. Aghhh. With my hands by my side I walked zombie like out the back and cried.
A few minutes passed and I headed back to my customer.I quickly threw the brow away to hide the evidence and quickly pencilled one in. I told her one was slightly darker in shade. I was going to charge her half price for half an eyebrow, but nooooo she would have caught on. Hahah only I would do something like this.
When she returned to the salon later that day I walked as stiff as Frankenstein out the back door. Please help am I a Zombie
Actually I think that one of the primary features of being a zombie is not knowing that you are one--in which case I might just be GRRRR! GRRRR!
LOL!
Haha no way you are truly a fantastic writer. I have one of your earlier hubs bookmarked on how to make money online and I still swear, as I told you then, it is the best on that topic I have read.
Slowly over the last 3 weeks I have been doing a lot of your suggestions, marking them off. You are not a teacher by any chance lool.
I can see you as one standing so tall with a little piece of chalk in your hand. I have seen you in the flesh on CW page too. Oooo you are looking just as good as you write.
Very funny Pam - I enjoyed reading that over a coffee.
There really are some brainless drones in the world - the art of debate is dying. I love the way that these little 'zombie keyboard warriors' feel all brave and tough when they are sat a few thousand miles away.
Would they speak like that to your face? No - they would not dare!
Awesome hub. Great analogy.
Well said, Pam. And that is why, these recent years, I come out of my safe environment during the day only in the early afternoon hours, after lunch but before rush hour, when I'm pretty sure all the zombies are stuffed in their corporate business chairs or perched behind their academic desks. And I never venture out after dark without my flamethrower. I value my brains! Oh, so many thumbs up!
Hey that was a good analysis. Many of us are Zombie by the character we posses. When I say Zombie don't take it literally. It is just an analogy. You have mentioned points very well ..... especially the last one ..... it made me laugh. Thanks for the Hub
LOL! I'm just now reading this. Funny! In defense of some Hubpage zombies (and who knows--I may be a bit of one on the liberal side--tho I always, always do my homework, promise! Just maybe I like to use wooden stakes to go in for the kill of the undead), we may just be a little busy these days with lotsa work that we canna make the lovely, long debate paragraphs that are needed for adequate & substantial discussion that is not zombified. :)
And btw, lol, (Sufi, ahem--tho I know you are not talking about me specifically) I am the same in person & have always gone straight for controversial arguments, particularly politics. I dunno--its like fun for some, I think.
lol Lita - we all are to a certain extent.
That was more a dig at somebody on one of Pam's other Hubs. Possibly the single worst use of sarcasm I have ever seen! Nothing against an intense debate (no choice, in Greece!) - but there is an etiquette.
I suppose that the living dead have no need for manners :)
Oh! Are you talking about poor Julie Grimes? No? She was just--I don't know. I simply stopped talking to her after a while...
Yes, there is an etiquette, I agree.
Poor lass - hope that she is OK.
It was on Pam's socialism Hub. Someone started to spout the usual personal attacks because they had no valid opinion of their own. Shame, really, because there was a very interesting debate going on there. We actually found that we all actually agreed more than we disagreed, a real danger when debate is kept civil!
Yes, isn't that the weird thing. I know that most all (well, mostly) actually agree on the important things. It seems like agreement threatens some, however!
Agreed, but there is an increasing number of people who cannot think for themselves. Not just the US, because the UK has more than its fair share. The media has alot to answer for, promoting confrontational rather than constructive discussion. Not sure what the answer is, or even if there is one.
My only fantasies about Ann Coulter, is that her jaw breaks accidentally on purpose again.
what a read!!! I was once going to do the you might be a zombie parent if....
but you covered it better....I laughed all the way thru it -- and I needed to laugh.
My mom used to say that those who used four letter words as their main source of expression (and we didn't even say the F### word back then....) were "intellectually bankrupt." LOL
A fantastic read, Pam!!
Sufi--I believe it is the continuation of valid, solid media in the form of newspapers and magazines, in part. Another part is education and respect for so-called 'geek' pursuits--instead of considering the low brow, common denominator cool (this especially in the US).
Also, TV coverage has its advantages, but will never displace reading. And yes, some are wise to the spin that passes for valid viewpoints on all sides (CNN is making me sick these days.)
Hi guys-I think actually a lot of folks become zombified out of fear. They'll never admit that, but that's my theory.
I can be a bit undead myself at times. :o)
Hilarious! LETS DECLARE A BANK HOLIDAY! Kinda like FDR did and Obama should... Call it : Day of the Dead Banks. No?
I like that idea Ambassador. I'm always up for a holiday!
pg
Is it possible that we have a Zombie Congress?
I am almost positive that we do at the state level in California.
Great post. I've known several people who have gone over to the dark side but I didn't realize they were zombified. The maggots on my sofa should have been a clue.
Oh dear, pgrundy, as usual your stuff is insightful and humorous. I could only shake my head at the anti-conservative comments, I guess we are both zombies because you see conservatives as "wrong" and I see "liberals" as wrong. Despite that, I love your stuff and your style, thanks for the good laugh.
I won't come knocking, I agree, only idiots launch personal attacks.
(Is it possible to be a zombie and not be a zombie at the same time? Or if one of the descriptions fit, does that make one a zombie?)
Wow, great hub. My favorite was #5--You think Rush Limbaugh is hilarious. Actually about 10% of Americans do think this (most of them are pissed off undead white guys) but no monkeys do, and no living, feeling, thinking people do. Unfortunately I know a lot of zombie's here in Wisconsin.
Zombie, voter who votes row A or row B
Teresa McGurk says:
8 months ago
Oh yes; pricelessly spot on. What a great analogy -- this is sooo good I'm going right back to read it again.