I'm sure, dear reader, that you live in a house straight out of The Lady, Vogue, or Homes and Gardens. But as you sit in your living room, surrounded by your cutting-edge designer modernist pad, do you feel an urge for one slightly vulgar item to brighten the place up a bit?

Or, in your chippendale-and-oil-painting drawing room, is there not room for just one novelty bit of kitsch?

And those of us with state-of-the-art-deco kitchens, surely long for a naked lady apron. Or is that just me?

All that impeccable style and daunting good taste can get a little.... well... dull.

And I happened to read a hub recently on this site about the current wonders of American novelty kitsch - you can read it here.

I couldn't be out-classed and silenced, so here it is - the good, bad, and (extremely) ugly novelty items available for your kitsch delight.

Every kitchen needs a nutcracker. More to the point, I reckon every kitchen needs a wonderful Margaret Thatcher one.

This tasteful and delightful bit of kitsch kitchen kit is fully shaped with bouffant curled hair, trademark blue suit, and the Iron Lady's thighs for those nuts which just have to go.

The "Iron Lady" nickname was bestowed on Mrs Thatcher by the Soviet Newspaper the Red Star in 1976. Far from being offended, she adopted the title as her own, and made the most of it.

Love her or loathe her (and people generally do one or the other, there is little indifference towards the woman) few people have accused her of indecision, indecisiveness, or being generally soft.

As she herself said to the Conservative Party conference in 1980:

To those waiting with bated breath for that favourite media catchphrase, the "U" turn, I have only one thing to say. "You turn if you want to. The lady's not for turning."

I say that not only to you but to our friends overseas and also to those who are not our friends

Famous for being tough, and cracking the nuts of politicians on her own side and the other, this is just perfect for kitchen kitsch. Fans and haters alike will cherish such a present, I reckon.

Although I should point out, the site warns this isn't suitable for voodoo purposes.

This isn't a sexist hub, oh no. So my next piece of top kitsch totty is the man knife block. Need somewhere to store your kitchen knives where you won't cut your fingers on them? Feel a little cheesed off with the unfairer sex? The "all men and bastards" knife block is for you.

This charming bit of kitchen kitsch will allow you to thrust your knives deep into the man's body and head, without causing any annoying blood stains which need to be cleaned.

As a bonus, the police are unlikely to turn up on your doorstep at 5am with irritating seach warrants and annoying murder charges!

This novelty is one I can actually give a personal review of. My mother bought it as a flat-warming present for my brother when he moved into a shared pad in Brighton, while he was at university. It looks pretty good, and my Bruv reckons the knives are actually pretty decent as well, which is always good.

As far as pointless gadgets go, the Diet Decision Maker is a good one. And it's not only pointless, it gets bonus marks for almost certainly being extremely annoying to boot.

It's a magnetic cherry-tart shaped fridge magnet. Yes, that sounds insane. But it gets even better – press the cherry on this piece of kitsch, and a random pro-diet, anti-opening-that-there-fridge phrase is triggered, such as “naughty pickers wear bigger knickers”.

The website suggests that you might want to get one of these fridge magnets as a present for a friend who is trying to lose some weight. Is it just me? Is that a really, really bad idea, or what?

I can't think of a single mate or relative of mine who would be flattered and pleased by getting a present to help them lose weight. You might as well send them a, “Happy Birthday Fatty!” card to go with it.

Tea is one of life's little necessities, and the best cuppa is always made in a teapot rather than a tea-bag-in-a-cup job.

The only trouble with the teapot is that your second cup might be cooling down a bit fast while you are enjoying the first.

Tea cosies have a long and honourable tradition, and most were knitted by great-aunt Ethel.

But these days, we must all be constantly aware of the "War on Terror". Which is where this handy bit of kit comes in!

The terrorist teapot will remind you that reds might be under the bed, or terrorists lurking in the garden centre, and that you really need that cup of tea to calm down.

This is one of the male / female cliches I can really relate to. My other half gets "car sick" if he doesn't drive (yeah, whatever...) But he also gets easily irritated with my map reading.

Honestly, is it my fault that the A1 and E1 roads in Portugal are different? Anyone could make such a mistake.

And I think he was a little mean to hold it against me when I told him I didn't know which exit we needed on a Maltese roundabout. I didn't actually know, I was just being honest.

Anyway, as he often insists on driving AND map-reading these days, this nifty little Sat Nag number might well come in handy. It will say useful things such as, "sorry, I meant right! I get that mixed up..." and, "idiot, you should have turned left 50 yards ago".

This could be a relationship-saver. Whaddya reckon? And a sweet little kitschy-koo to give the Loved One in your life. To annoy him.

I'm worried my choices thus far have been a bit too useful. This one'll change all that!

It's a weird-looking orange alien on 3 legs, which apparently records and plays back. It does the playing-back-your-voice thing when it detects movement, so you record a phrase such as "get out of my chocolate tin!" and it'll police the thing for you when you are out.

Yes, quite. Hard to imagine why you'd want such a thing, but that's part of the appeal of kitsch - sometimes it's just completely useless.

Some people bounce out of bed at sparrow-fart every day, full of the joy of living, anxious to start their day! My Dad's like that. Much as I love him, this isn't the character trait I value most in the man.

This alarm clock is for those of us who would, quite honestly, rather pull the duvet over our heads and get another half hour's kip. And for those of us who, like my darling brother, need more than a "beep... beep" to awaken them.

My Bruv needs a bomb under his bed, quite frankly. He once got my mother to ring him in Australia in the early morning (there, not in the UK) to make sure he caught his flight home.

This alarm clock looks pretty good. It doesn't just howl with noise, part of it flies off around the room and carries on making a noise until you find the *&£)"!( thing and put the flying bit back on the base unit.

I think this is pretty damn good, to be honest with you. I have an even better alarm clock myself, a 3 year old son, but if investing in a child seems a slightly expensive and inconvenient way of getting your arse out of bed in the morning, this clock is a pretty good second best. And it also has that kitsch something which gives it a well-deserved place on my Kitsch List.

If you feel you don't get enough love and attention for your cuts and scrapes, these plasters are your friend!

Rather than just being boring skin-coloured (mind you, who has skin quite that colour? Someone quite ill, I reckon) or having lame cartoon characters on them, these will make it clear to the world that you didn't appreciate nearly slicing your finger off with the veggie knife, and didn't like skinning your knuckles much, either.

So next time you have a cut, reach for a charming bit of kitsch health-care, and stick "ARRGGH!" on the wound.

Like most of you, I imagine, I have a pretty normal keyboard for my puter. It's rigid, black, pretty dull, but I can type on it.

This variation looks pretty kitsch, which fits the bill for this little list!

The site claims you can bend it, roll it up, wash it down, spill coffee over it, whatever you like. It's also lit up in what is described as a "funky blue".

Pretty close to the ultimate kitsch, I reckon. But I have to add my own reservation - for people who type a lot, boring might be the way forward in keyboard terms....

This is a fantastic piece of kitsch-kit. It does seem to be useful, but claims to solve a problem I never really knew existed.

It's a personal reading light, that you clip on to your book, so as to be able to read without disturbing anyone.

It's precisely the sort of novelty item invented for people to give their nightmare-to-buy-for uncles for Christmas.