Top 5 Daily Questions About Relationships

Man who was raised in a culture where animals are meant to be working on a farm and not kept for fun... dating a dog-lovin' woman who owns a face-licking puppy. Clearly not a long-term match perhaps, but how to ease the discomfort of either party, respect everyone's feelings, and bypass disagreements? My 12 pound dog is well trained, cute (to everyone but him), and very sweet. She's polite and under voice control. We're very attached, she goes almost everywhere with me. She sleeps at the foot of my bed, and I like her there. I love this dog and she LOVES people, including this man. She wants to say hello and play, and he just stares at her. Sometimes he'll pet her... but later he'll act like he deserved a medal for it. He says he doesn't like pets because they're a responsibility. I tell him, "my dog is MY responsibility though, it doesn't affect you. And you have two children so those are responsibilities too. Many good things in life are responsibilities." I don't force my dog on him. But I'm not going to hide her, and I can't always control that she wants to say hello to him... she's naturally affectionate (normally not a bad thing). I tell him "I love my dog, sorry but ya gotta deal with it." His favorite argument is that he doesn't understand why people adopt dogs instead of giving a home to a child. Many conversations about pets end up at this argument... which isn't won by saying, "Well, I wanted a dog *because* I didn't WANT a child." I also tried once to compare it to him loving soccer and me hating it but watching it with him anyhow. He says that's a bad comparison. I know and respect that this is all cultural. I was raised by people who felt that a home isn't complete without a dog curled up at your feet. He was raised in a country where dogs are vermin and animals that are owned by humans live outdoors and are there for a purpose. They're kept solely to have jobs. He resents it that American society implies if you don't love "useless" pets you are lacking compassion. I see his point, because that was my first reaction. But I also think he holds that social pressure against the animals more than actually disliking them... kind of an "Everyone says I have to do this so screw that, I'm not going to. Everyone thinks I have to like pets? Well, no! I HATE DOGS! So there!" It's a bit of a soapbox for him, and it gets tiring because I'm not telling him how to feel, but *I'm* not going to change when I own a dog I adore with all of my heart. He says "Well, I'm fine with you liking your dog. You can keep liking your dog." And then I get annoyed because... why would I need his approval. As you can tell, it's the conversations about it that get on my nerves more than anything. Every time the topic comes up (even when he hasn't seen my dog for months) my head starts to hurt. I would like it to be a non-issue. Lately I've just stopped inviting him over and just go to his place. But in the future he'll be visiting me in another city so that won't be an option. When he used to come over to my house, I'd crate my dog sometimes. Other times I'd let her loose and he'd tolerate her. But I saw that her personality started to change as did mine... she seemed kind of depressed because I wasn't giving her as much attention. She would slink away when she wanted to show him love and he didn't respond favorably (she's used to people on the street happily rubbing her belly), and when I'd try to crate her she started to cower and whimper like I was being mean. It's hard for me because in my mind, she's my baby (he winces when I say that) and frankly, it's HER house more than it is his. But dogs are dogs and people are people and I want to respect his issue. I'm allergic to cats but have learned to like my friends cats and respect that it's their home and not mine. I'm flexible like that, though. Not sure he is ready to think that way. Not sure how to make this situation totally comfortable for all people and puppies involved, or if I even can. Any suggestions on how to keep this from being a repeated topic of conversation and stress? To be honest, if I have to choose between the two... the dog wins. But I would rather not have to go there. I'd like to appreciate the good parts of my relationship with him and adore my beloved puppy too, without the two clashing. Sorry this is so long. - 34 hours ago

Is "not emotionally available" ever a temporary thing? Long story somewhat less long: Went to a music festival. Met a woman there talking to some friends from my old town who I felt totally smitten for immediately. She's a lovely, well, frigin fantastic dancer. I'm a musician. She was very friendly and relaxed and charming. Within about 10 minutes of talking to her, I realized that she was the ex-gf of a good friend of mine, who after breaking up with his long term gf, was playing the field pretty aggressively. I believe they dated Jan-Feb of this year. I didn't tell her I knew this because I'd known that she'd been pretty upset by the breakup and I wanted to get to know her on my own terms. She probably could have guessed that I knew him but didn't mention it. (she'd traveled for a few months out of country, was hoping he'd be there for her when she got back but he'd moved on and now is pretty serious about someone else). Anyway, I made a big effort to hang with her over the week of the festival. We went for a long walk and went swimming and talked quite a lot. There was definitely a sense of hurt about her, and at times she was quite distant and removed. But at other times our conversations clicked, and while she didn't go out of her way to hang, we ended up spending most of our time together. Towards the end she sat with me in a corner of a crowded bar till 2 or 3 in the morning and we talked and it was really nice. We talked about a lot of things we have in common and similar ways of looking at the world and understanding people. The following morning we hung out at a concert a bit more and were having a really nice time. Later in the afternoon she seemed to tense up and was less friendly. It was the last day of the concert and I was feeling really anxious about everything and didn't want to just let it slide because I knew that I'd be rolling it over in my head forever if I didn't talk to her. So I told her that I knew she'd dated my friend and apologized for not letting her know (she didn't seem to mind). And that I had had a great time hanging out with her and would like to see her again. She told me that she'd thought maybe she should tell me that she's "not emotionally available" but didn't know when to bring it up. Basically a combination of getting pretty wrapped up with my friend and being very hurt by him and a lot of turmoil in her life (she's got a lot of career uncertainty). Things are going well for her right now and she doesn't want to open up to anything because she was pretty wrecked in the last couple of months and is just now feeling ok. She said over and over again "this spring sucked". She said "I hope this isn't the last time we see each other" and I told her I didn't know what to say. I've had a really hard time in situations like this and have really hurt myself in the past. I'm really gunshy about this particular situation...I never know what to do and it feels totally uncomfortable for me. I told her as much. She lives 2 hours away and it would be a lot of effort for me to keep getting to know her. However I like her tons. For the record: we have a seemingly similar sense of humor (kind of a rarity as mine is pretty odd), she's smart and kind and interesting, and she's a fabulous dancer (watching her dance was just totally beautiful). We sort of seem to see eye to eye on a lot of things and she said how much she'd liked hanging out with me, people watching and shooting the shit. So to an extent I take her at her word that this is a bad time for her. I could see that in her face through the week and when we talked to. It turns out (related by my friend via IM from the country he moved to recently) that she'd dated yet another one of my friends, who'd apparently treated her badly to some degree too. It really does sound like it's been an awful year for her. Oh yeah, I'm 10 years older than she is. Her: early to mid 20s, me early to mid 30s. She's young. But smart and independent and pretty mature I think. Myself, I know that no matter how fucked up things were, if someone I liked came into my life, I'd clear the decks and hope for the best. So I'm not sure how to interpret her emotional unavailability. Need I think: this woman will never, ever come around and I need to put the possibility of a relationship between us totally out of my head? Or could I think: don't expect anything out of it, but nothing is written in stone, and if you enjoy her company it might be worth hanging out with her and getting to know her? I'm kind of a clutz at the kind of dancing we do (I'm more a musician), so I'm sort of interested in perfecting my steps and then coming down to dance with her sometime and spend some more time. But I really have no idea how to approach this. I'm also interested in general what the appropriate response to "I'm not emotionally available" is. I never know what to say. I have a hard time switching gears and saying "sure, lets be friends". But I also feel like a jerk for saying "well, ok, see you". - 35 hours ago

Am I just happier being single? I'm a 33 year-old guy. Since my early 20's, I've been involved in five relationships that lasted long enough (say ~ 1 year or more) and had enough compatibility to contemplate getting married. In each of these cases I broke up with the woman, and in retrospect I know that was the right decision in four of the cases. The fifth case is a bit more ambiguous: I'm not 100% sure I made the right decision, but I am completely at peace with it. About four months ago, I met the girl who is seemingly the girl of my dreams. She's super-smart, attractive, and fun to be around. To summarize, I don't really have any significant complaints and, although I realize that these are still early days, I think that I have enough relationship experience to realize that this is different. One downside is that we live about 2 hours away from each other, for the next year, or so. We used to live in the same city. So, good for me, end of story, right? Unfortunately, no. Over the past few weeks, I've begun to feel pretty uneasy about being in a relationship. Part of these feelings probably originate from the fact that we're pretty much spending all of our weekends together, since we rarely see each other during the week. This can leave little time alone or time alone with friends. I imagine that this is fairly normal challenge, and something that we can address. The potentially more worrisome issue for me is that I've noticed that I generally feel / act like a slightly different person when I'm in a relationship versus when I'm single. I feel more constrained, less fun, less outgoing, less positive, and less energetic. Coupled with a packed schedule, these feelings can make it challenging to make new friends in the area that I've just moved to. I know that there might be a little bit of a grass-is-greener syndrome happening here, and I recognize that this is something I might want to seek a professional opinion on, which I'm not opposed to, but I'd still like to hear what some of you think. Specifically, I would like to know if any of you have ever felt similarly ambivalent about someone who was clearly awesome and clearly a better match for you than anyone you had dated in the past. What did you do about it? Are you happy with the decision? A large part of me thinks I should just plow ahead, while working out these details with a therapist, since she is clearly a catch. On the other hand, are you someone who has decided that you're happier being single? I know that there are threads about this, but I'm particularly interested in hearing from those who have made this decision in the absence of any particularly bad relationship experiences. My relationships have been pretty good, for the most part, but I noticed after my last breakup (before the current gf) that I became happier, more active, healthier, and more engaged with the world. Of course, this was only a 3-4 month sample, so I may not have felt that way if it had been years. If you've taken this path, how has this turned out for you? Are you happy with the decision? Thanks a bunch. You've all been so helpful in the past and I love you for that! - 2 days ago

I'm verbal. He's not. Is our relationship doomed? I have been with my wonderful S.O. for nearly five years. I truly adore him and can't even begin to describe the ways he's contributed to my life; he is my best friend, is an amazing lover, and an all-around great guy. Problem: I'm hyperverbal and expressive. He...is not. Add past relationship trauma to the mix and you get a whole lot of insecurity. He blames some messed-up relationships for the fact that he can't (or won't) tell me he loves me. I am too afraid of rocking the boat to insist he expresses his love in words. To clarify, he is considerate, kind, and loving in deed, just not in words. On occasion he will go into hermit mode and refuse to touch or be touched (he has ultra-sensitivity issues and insomnia that prevent us from sharing the same bedroom), but this tends to be the exception rather than the rule and I do my best to be understanding and give him space. Still, something inside me yearns for A Declaration. I feel in my heart that if I insisted on it, he would be unable to do so. This hurts, but not as much as the thought of not having him in my life. I guess my question is, is a relationship without verbal expressions of love doomed? How have you dealt with similar issues? If you have a hard time saying "I love you," how come? Should actions speak louder than words? Am I obsessing over something that's irrelevant? DTMFA advice is really unnecessary, as I have no plans to break up with this person any time soon. Questions or more personal advice welcome at mefimail@inbox.com. - 2 days ago

Depression has knocked my passion (for everything) out. Gwargh. What do I do while I get therapy sorted? I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for about six years, and have been on and off treatment for that time. Last year (after about 3 years of being treatment-free) I had a bad relapse and went back on medication (Effexor XR) and counseling. They helped, and I was getting better, but recently I had a big setback and never managed to recover properly. I've found that this wave of depression has robbed me of the ability to feel passionate about everything. I was once really passionate about changing the world (in various ways), and was invited to an exclusive summit last week for 100 other young passionate people. I felt like a dullard next to them - I didn't feel like I had anything of substance, and at one point I sat alone in a room crying and declaring that "I'm done". Surprisingly, even though my only contribution was wise-cracks in lectures and a Thank-You card for the organizers, the rest of the group accepted me wholeheartedly and felt that I was one of the most memorable people in the whole summit. After I came back from that summit, my boyfriend and I went on a weekend vacation, but I couldn't muster any sort of enjoyment whatsoever. My boyfriend's showing me so much affection and love and care, and all I could do is go "meh". This got worse in the following week, and I felt really guilty that I couldn't feel as much love for him as he obviously does for me. (According to the Triangular Theory of Love, the companionship and intimacy is strong, but the passion's gone missing). For a while I felt like I was holding him back, that I wasn't the best person for him, even offered to find him someone else that could treat him better. In all other respects, our relationship is actually going great - we communicate well, we deal with ups and downs maturely, we respect and care for each other deeply. I just am an emotional wreck, and I didn't want him to suffer because of that. Nonetheless, he still insists that he loves me, and that he doesn't mind the lack of emotional passion. (For example, I like cuddles and embraces, but felt guilty that I was being selfish and not bursting out with love for him. He told me not to worry because he didn't find it selfish at all.) It's good, I guess, but I still can't help but feel guilty that the only emotional response I can muster to anything is "blaaaaaaah". I went to see a GP (my regular one was away) and made appointments with my usual counselor. It's two weeks away though, so I have some down time. I have work placements this uni semester (my last!!) and I'm still waiting for those to be sorted out so I've got nothing to do for a while. I'm already wallowing away in sorrow and despair, and find it hard to do stuff - I'd rather nap all day (and indeed do sleep a lot) and it takes a lot of effort to make myself shower or prepare a meal. I have things I could do, but I'm too lethargic and bored to do anything other than think about them. My boyfriend and I are also looking at relationship counselling to see how else we can deal with my depression - we're talked out and we're out of ideas. How can I cope with the lack of passion and energy? Should I feel guilty for not being as romantically inclined towards my boyfriend? What about my current apathy towards making a difference, when I once was such a passionate worldchanger? What can I do in these two weeks (until my counselor appointment) so that I don't drag myself down into further despair and actually feel better? (I'm doing a little better now as I write this, but my moods change so quickly and intensely that I'd rather have some practical ideas for when I get another "sad attack". Also, I've found lots of relationship questions about dealing with a depressed partner, but not much about being the depressed partner itself.) - 3 days ago