When you are talking about it to someone else it all seems very, well, simple I suppose. Not simple as in easy, more, simple as in logical. First, acquire your Labrador, (lovers of other breeds can insert their preferred breed name here) any kind will do, Black, Golden (oops sorry breed police, I meant Yellow) Silver (put my foot in it again didn’t I?) or Chocolate. Then, book in hand or with a printout from a website, write down your labrador training objectives – obedience ring at Crufts inside 3 months or just look in my direction when I call, it doesn’t matter what it is, just as long as you know. By the way, I have a theory that it’s more important for the dog to know the objectives really, it’s just that I haven’t yet worked out how to get them to understand!

Anyway, training plan done I work out what the frequency and length of each training session will be….wouldn’t want my dog thinking this was a “one off” exercise now would we. Bag of doggie treats, suitable area and enough time to accomplish the task in hand – what could go wrong? Well, quite a lot it would seem….allow me to explain..

Probably the first thing I should point out here is that in my particular case this is not puppy training. Oh no, nothing so simple (what! I hear you cry) no, this is 6 year old, traumatised, re-homed, rescued Black Labrador with what I think in modern parlance are referred to as “issues” training. Don’t get me wrong now, he’s also lovable, devoted and will do pretty much anything for something that even vaguely resembles food (this would surely be my trump card – pocket full of doggie treats and all that) In fact I have witnessed my dear little (heavy) doggie demolish a fairly substantial garden fence that found itself between him and some food! Food eaten, dog unharmed, unlike the fence. But correctly used surely food or treats are always going to prove a good motivator.

Fortunately I don’t have to go too far to look for a suitable area in which to carry out said “training”. I’m lucky enough to have a pretty substantial garden, an ideal place, free from distractions one would have thought. Well, that is a reasonable assumption but in practice…we’ll lets just say I need to re-appraise what constitutes a distraction in the eyes (ears and nose) of a Labrador.

“Fetch”, such a simple, harmless command. Especially when it happens to be a command of which my canine friend has some prior knowledge. You know what I mean….a bit like Prime Ministers Question Time in the House of Commons – I have, on several occasions given my dog several suggestions as to what are considered “fetchable” items in our home – slippers, mail, squeaky bone, doggie cushion, assorted balls or maybe even oversized, plastic squeaky pork chop (although that one does always worry me…it’s giving the dog ideas that I might one day be able to afford such a large piece of real meat!) So you see, he shouldn’t be able to claim that he doesn’t know what I mean when I bark (oops, well done Mr Freud) the command “FETCH” in his direction.

At first, the signs are good. On the first syllable the already squarish head snaps round to look in my direction and becomes visibly, well, squarer. Ears, already pointing directly forward take on the behaviour of a ground based missile tracking station. By the time the “T” of the “TCH” is leaving my lips and as my arm is indicating the general direction of the item requiring “fetching”, he’s off! Rat up a drainpipe, bullet from a gun, whatever your preferred phrase would be he’s gone faster than you could possible say it. In my case he’s gone in the general direction of the garden shed.

More precisely, behind the garden shed….not an area of my garden of which I am particularly proud. Lets just say it’s one of the more “natural” areas of the garden and not an area that I personally visit all that frequently. Which would explain my surprise when said Labrador re-emerges with the most enormous Bramley Cooking apple (windfall from an adjacent tree) wedged into his mouth. I suppose by not reacting to this for all of 3 seconds I was really endorsing the behaviour so I can hardly be surprised that a further 3 seconds and the Bramley is residing inside my dog. We try again only to discover that the tree has clearly shed at least two fruits, the second of which ends up in the same place as the first.

You could call me a slow learner I suppose but it takes several more fruits to suffer the same fate before I realise that Bramley apples clearly taste better than “Meaty Shapes”. Not to mention the clods of earth, overripe courgettes and pieces of old rug.

I’ve learned a lot today. I wonder what labrador training we’re doing tomorrow!