Transgender, Cross Dresser, Transexual, Gay ?

Transgender, cross dresser, transsexual, gay, bisexual... . What a soup of names and handles. I can understand why many people say that they reject handles which put them into little boxes. Still, if we did not have the handles, it would take forever to have a conversation. They really do serve well for purposes of short-hand. Just imagine talking about someone and always being required to give a detailed description instead of simply using a name which implies a ton of information.

So, I will forge ahead here and give my thoughts on transgender and cross dressing. I think I have a good point to make and others who have heard me tend to agree. Either they agree or they are being very kind.

I have a TG (transgendered) friend who likes to say that gender is found in the head and sex is found in the ..., well, quite a ways below the head. How true that is. Gender is all about how a person perceives himself of herself on the continuum of expressions that range from very feminine (Marylin Monroe ?) to very masculine (John Wayne?) . In that oversimplified regard, a man is transgendered if he feels that he exists way off towards the feminine end of the continuum. This says little about sexual preference and behaviors and nothing at all about physical parameters. It is more of a statement about a man who feels comfortable in a kinder, gentler world. What makes his perception a problem is his inability to give expression to that role in his restrictive world. A man is not expected to prefer a discussion of cooking on Monday morning to a discussion of the Sunday games. So, while he might enjoy the football discussion, he must suppress his comments on cooking or fashion. In most situations, he is forced to put the feminine side "in the closet". Still, TG is a large part of who he is; it is a major factor of his identity.

Then there are cross dressers. Most TG people find themselves cross dressing or wishing to cross dress. It is a natural way in which to express a gender shift in a society which places so much value on appearances. It is a means by which a TG person can find a huge relief from the stress of hiding one's gender orientation in a hostile world. Put very simply: it just feels good. It is not a big deal for a woman to dress in masculine clothing but a man must not wear dresses and heels to work. The exception are those men who have actually come out in their worlds and have earned the right to dress as they wish. All honor and laud to these guys. Cross dressing is not the only way that a gender shift can be expressed; it is merely most obvious and the most fulfilling on the basis of easily seen self-imaging. But dressing is an expression; it is not an identity.

We confuse each other when I say to you: "Oh, I am a cross dresser." It would be better to say "Oh, I am a transgendered person and something that I do upon occasion is to cross dress." But, then I go back to the first paragraph here and simply use the quickest language to say my piece and move on even though I have falsely identified myself.

My point to all this? Transgendered is who I am; cross dressing is something that I do. The distinction is fundamental. We should never confuse what someone does with who someone is. It is true that we have only a person's behaviors to use as measuring stick when we meet them casually. However, how many times have you "gotten to know someone" and found yourself forming a very different opinion of them as a person?

I'll say it again: Transgendered is a big part of who I am; cross dressing is something that I do.