I went from being a female to a male… then back to a female.

Many speculate that I am confused with my gender and I was never a real tranny. Well, let me give you a new perspective through my own personal journey.

As a young girl, I was always a mega tomboy. I played tackle football, I hated when my parents forced me into a dress, and I kept trying to be “one of the guys.” Despite stereotypes, I was too young to be fully aware of them. Instead, I was oblivious to the world and did what I enjoyed. To my parents’ dismay, it was not a phase.

When I hit my teens with all those raging hormones, I felt something was wrong with me. I was obviously not like the others. I had a hard time admitting to myself that I was interested in women. I gave in and went through the coming out process. As was expected, it did not go over well and I left the state when I was 17.

Alone in a place where I knew no one, I decided it was my chance to start over. After some contemplation over how I would be true to myself, I decided to do what I pleased. I began to cross dress as a man and act like a man. In essence, I quickly entered the realm of being transgendered.

To clarify, there is a difference between transgenderism and being transsexual. In both, you live life fully as the opposite sex. Where the difference comes in is when you decide to go under the knife. Many I know want to have the operation, but cannot afford to do so. Myself, I began taking testosterone.

I loved how it felt to be a man. Everyone I knew in this new land thought I was a man. I went by the name of Jerry. They never knew I was a woman until I started dating again.

I was living in a small town in the Midwest; not exactly a welcoming place for those of the gay community. When I began dating a girl I had the pleasure of knowing, I had to figure out how to come out to her. I hated the thought of even uttering the words revealing I was a female. Few people in the world can accept a transgendered individual when they didn’t have a clue in the first place.

Boys Don’t Cry comes to mind. We progressed. I never said a word. When we wanted to take it further, I had to tell her the truth. I chickened out. She didn’t figure it out till later. Fortunately for me, she was bi and more accepting than I could have dreamed.

Time passes. We break up. Now everyone in town knows I am a woman. Men get off on thinking they can fix me or simply let out their anger. The majority of women saw my personality and forgot about the transgender side. Some thought I would be fun to experiment with.

With all the swirling negativity, I longed to go back to California, but I knew my family did not support when I was a lesbian. How would they view me as a man? I no longer looked like who I was. The Asian side would never ever let anyone know I existed. My Caucasian side was the type to shoot my kind.

I stayed put. I eventually became ill. None of the doctors knew what was wrong and I was getting progressively worse. With little hope, I knew I could probably find out what was wrong by going back to the west coast. Unfortunately, I was too sick to take care of myself by the time I gave in.

I moved back to California. I was still a man. Time passes. One of my girlfriends insists on trying to feminize me. I refuse and tell her I am who I am. I won’t change for anyone. I took it hard after we broke up. I made that life altering decision. I decided I was going to go full on transsexual. The stipulation I imposed upon myself, was that I would first force myself into experiencing what it is like to be on the other side. In essence, I decided to become a woman again.

It has been a difficult journey trying to become comfortable with my feminine side and converting back into a woman. I had the mentality of a trans individual doing what is taboo. I have yet to meet someone else like me. Do I feel I was right in my decision to go feminine? I would say so. You cannot say you like vanilla over chocolate if you have never had chocolate. After you have had both, THEN you can state what you enjoy.

After a few years, I have learned the wonders of being a woman. I sought out insight and actively came in touch with that side of myself.

I am hitting that point in time where I can now make my decision once more… time shall tell my future, but I have found that I enjoy both, being a woman and being a man. Either way, I shall be happy.