Top 5 Trashiest 80's Videos

As a card-carrying member of Generation X, I have a soft spot in my heart (very, very well hidden) for the trashiest video excesses of the 1980s. I'm going to remind all of you Gen Xers out there what you might wish you had forgotten. Thanks, YouTube, for keeping these memories alive. =)

Remember Laura Branigan? She of sultry dark Italian looks and slightly raspy voice? Bless her soul; she passed away in 2004. Before she left us, she made a huge career for herself in the 80s translating Italian pop hits into English and crossing over to the enormous US market. Her earlier hit "Gloria" put her on the map, but "Self Control" was one of those songs where the video doesn't really quite make sense. Very Phantom of the Opera before the popular revival.

There's probably not that much unusual about this video in particular. I mean, concert footage (like all of their videos), them sporting torn jeans and tank tops (like in all of their videos) and earrings (like...you get the picture). This also featured lots of "backstage" footage with skanks fighting each other to spend the night with them. This video also highlights all the 80s haircut innovations that aren't appreciated anymore: the long, fluffy-at-the-end mullet; the short greasy mullet; and, a favorite among metal bands in the 80s, the frizzy, bushy mullet. This was apparently before conditioner became a regular fixture in people's showers.

Long before he was known for neglecting his anorexic daughter, Lionel Richie was the ex-Commodore who hit it big with catchy tunes and a piano in the mid-80s...despite a face that can only accurately described as horselike, and one of the scariest Jheri Curls to be featured on a vinyl record cover. Plenty of other mid-80 hair travesties abound in this video as well--the first 10 seconds will either have you rolling with laughter or balling up into a fetal position begging for mama. Lots of spontaneous gyrating and playing of keyboard-guitars. Lionel's life was clearly one of non-stop, gravity-defying partying. Which helps explain why his daughter looks like a raisin.

What's especially painful about this one is that the song is good. I still like it, and can listen to it without wincing (I can't say that about the vast majority of songs from this decade). The song is good enough to look past the nasty mullets and gratuitious "jamming" intro. (By the way, during this period of the mid-80s, British men and women really had the exact same haircut. Explains why Tony & Guy really cleaned up in the 90s...) After a minute or so, the video takes a turn into some bleak 1984-esque scene where some guy is framed for a crime he didn't commit. He keeps seeing snakes after him, which is really some other guy....oh, forget it. It's too hard to explain. See if you can make sense of it. Extra points for every pointless animal reference you notice. (Like which band member turns into an iguana at the end?)