As a divorced single parent, I have toyed with the idea of using the online dating resources to help me find someone with whom to spend time.

I figure, after the work day, getting homework done, then getting everyone off to bed, I have about 10 quality minutes I can devote to someone else... and perhaps as much as an hour and a half on the weekends... (but that's just me)

It seems like there are so many options for online dating that I could atleast look into it. I had heard so many good things from friends such as, "Well you know Kathleen goes on 3 dates a week." or "That's where Tracy met that guy she dated for 4 months that just stopped calling her". Most of what I heard was that everyone was going out on dates... all over the place.

Recently, as a research project, I signed up for eHarmony and Yahoo Personals.... It was very interesting indeed.

 I immediately started recieving emails with people that were interested in meeting me... which I thought was strange because I didn't post a picture... and I basically made myself out to be a monster of huge and ungainly proportions. (that's my own efforts to really put off the inevitable -- the first date)

I'm not sure if the gentlemen that indicated an interest were deperate or perhaps couldn't read... or maybe they were reading between the lines.. and figured anyone as unsightly as myself would certainly "put out" because that my friends... is what this game is all about.

How do I know?  Have I been on any dates yet?  NO, I'm busy... really.  I wasn't kidding about having 10 minutes of free time a day.

 What I saw on yahoo personals was enough to cause me to shy away from online dating FOREVER....  it was my ex-husband.

It's too bad I wasn't using Hubpages while I was getting a divorce, and you all missed my fabulously funny and entertaining chronology of my divorce and the months leading up to the "move out" in my blog, http://slagboy.blogspot.com/ 

So here's the thing... Here are my ex-husbands stats:
work:  State Prison Maintenance Dept.
Salary: 50K
Height: 5' 11" (6' with shoes)
Interests: Hit the bar stool by 3:30 and swapping stories with the old retired guys

So.... I chanced upon his ad in the Yahoo Personals and what I saw... well.... what he put....  the things he wrote.... it proved once again that he lived in an alternate reality and if I tried to live there too... my brain would explode.  And it scare me... really.  Because I realized if this person that I know so well could write these things as if they are true... then how can I trust anything written by someone I don't even know?

He wrote:

Salary - 75 - 90K
I know that he can explain never having money by blaming me (his money hungry ex-wife that sucks his bank account dry at the end of every 2 week period .... right.... if I got the money he told everyone he gave me... I'd be on easy street)

Height: 6' 2"  -- He can also get over the height discrepancy by dating short women, You see I'm tall... as tall as he is... but when you are shorter, say 5'6" or lower, it's hard to judge those last critical inches of height.

But those are just trivial untruths ... compared to these:

Interests:  Dancing,  Photography, Gardening
PLEASE, if you call, flailing your arms about looking as if you are falling off the railing of the cruise ship dancing... then perhaps, you do enjoy dancing... but I gotta tell you...  Porn does not quality as photography... and mowing the lawn once a year does not constitute an interest in Gardening.

Humor: Quick Witted.
Did I tell you he watches the Little Rascals and the Three Stooges.. the only intellectual and quick witted humor he enjoys are the constantly playing reruns of Seinfeld. (which he can recite)

And Finally... His Occupation: Politics/Government/Military
I think I might have already told you that he works in a state prison in the maintenance department. In his defense... I see the Government vaguely floating around as the possibilities... but really. Now, you would not know this but my ex-husband has a history of leading people to believe that he works in law enforcement.. we had neighbors that for years thought he was a cop... not because he said he was, but because he implied and never corrected their misconceptions... He is the master at lieing without actually uttering a mis-truth.  (ooooooh, that sounds bitter, just a little side note: I am wonderfully happy, I have a great job, the kids love their school... and yesterday was the first day of spring... it doesn't get better than that.. well, ok, winning the lottery would be nice... but as things go... we're doing great!)

You poor woman out there looking for the perfect guy...  I feel terrible for anyone that stumbles upon that ad and actually believes more than about 30% of it.

Honestly, if that ad is any representation of what kind of informaiton is really put on those profiles... I think I will plan on waiting.  I'll wait until the kids are out of high school (another 10 years) then I'll meet someone nice playing bingo at the retirement community. (lol)