In recent years I've learned about my spiritual gifts. I can build a rapport with a person rather quickly. I listen and I've been in pain in so many ways... physical, emotional, spiritual. I was considering the phrase "spiritual pain" as I heard it in my mind.  What is spiritual pain?  How could one have spiritual pain if God IS love? 

Well, when you grow up with a man that uses spirituality to isolate, control and abuse you, that's spiritual pain. 

When you are raised in a church where you know you will never be good enough.  Everyone strives for perfection, and yet we all know nobody's perfect.  Where your salvation is so strictly based on works that they have actually segregated heaven into three separate levels depending on how good you were, or weren't.  That's spiritual pain.

And finally, when you pray and pray and pray for God to stop the pain, save the marriage you know is nothing but wreckage at this point and still it goes up in flames.  That's spiritual pain.

When a child clenches his eyes as tight as possible and prays his little heart out that his abuser won't come into his room that night, and yet experiences another living nightmare.  That is spiritual pain.

I have sincerely struggled in life, and still do. I struggle everyday with loneliness, emotional scars from the past, and the feeling that I'm not using my spiritual gifts.

I fight depression now and then... and I have made mistakes, believe me. I have done things I'm not proud of, and some I won't admit to anyone other than my very closest kindred spirits and God. Through those experiences I've gained a very non-judgemental heart. I'm also willing to share nearly all of my painful experiences with others. This seems to give them comfort, let them know they are not alone, and let them see the acceptance in my eyes.

The last few months have been very difficult for me. I moved to a town where I know almost no one besides the people I manage at work. I am beginning to meet people at church but live almost my entire life alone. I go everywhere alone. Spend far too much time alone. I've been so lonely for so long, years. Even within my marriage, before it fell apart, I was terribly lonely.

After my husband and I split I had a season where I was not lonely. I had other dramas playing out in my life but loneliness was not a problem. Looking back at that now, I wonder if it feels like a terrible tease or if it was the breath that has kept me going. I honestly don't know.

I have tried to numb it away, drink it away, write to get it out of my head. I'm in therapy and hang on to my spirituality for dear life. Still, it's painful almost everyday.

I've been desperately praying for a way out of this loneliness. It's eating me up, disolving my organs like acid from the inside out.  I get low, then ignore my house and neglect to put on make up of fix my hair. This is a vicious cycle because then the house is a mess and I kick myself for that. Every time I walk past the mirror, I curse because I didn't take enough time on my appearance in the morning. So, I walk around feeling worse, I come home, feel low, ignore the house more and round and round we go.

I pray for the energy, the strength, the drive to clean up my house in a literal way and also an emotional way but still, I sit. I just don't feel it.

Well, today I saw a light. A member of my church is starting a ministry at the local jail. I saw a way to stop obsessing about me and start reaching out and using those spiritual gift again.

I'm 32 years old and I don't have the meaning in my life that I crave. I find meaning raising my children, training and motivating my staff but it's not the deep spiritual meaning I've felt before when using the gifts God gave me. When I feel as if I am serving Him directly.

I suspect my ex-husband and my mother will probably be concerned for my safety, but I'm confident that if that's where God wants me to go I'll be safe. I'm also extensively trained in self-defense and close combat. I'm not worried about going into the jail, only worried how the people in my life will react. I don't want to worry them, but I will walk the path God puts before me.

It seemed so simple when I had that revelation in church, to stop obsessing about my life, and driving myself insane sitting inside my little house alone and get going in the hopes of helping others.  The key to turning your pain around is serving others.

In the Pastor's message, however, he talked about cleaning up your own house first. Of course, this struck me literally and figuratively. He explained that no one wants to pour a warm filling soup into a dirty disgusting bowl.

Wash the bowl and God will pour it in. So, this week, that is my mission. Clean up my own house and prepare for God to pour His love and direction into my life.