Ultimatums and Moving Too Fast

This is a comment I got on a previous HUB:

"i was introduced to a girl 2 months ago and after just 2-3 times of meeting her i felt very close to her and had never felt as comfortable talking to someone as i had with her....we have alot of similar interests and share similar ideas for what we want for our future, so everything was goin well.......however i was told that i would have to make a decision with 2 months as to whether i wanted to marry her or not......I know you can never know someone until you live with them, and from what i do know i like....well up until now at least....cos i have to make a decision so soon i have to think about all factors, (which may sound trivial).

Based on what i know i like apart from lately when i've spoke to her she's sounded quite down and when i think about it some more, during a few of our conversations in the past sometimes she's been happy and others she hasn't, when i've asked if she's ok, she just says she's had a bad day at work, but doesn't seem as happy (on the phone) from one day to the next....this concerns me as i don't like the idea of being married to someone who's emotions vary from one day to the next..sometimes i think its just nerves on her part, but surely those nerves should disapear when we talk....ideally i'd have liked more time to get to know her before committing myself to her, but i was affriad of missing out her as i couldn't think of a reason not to say yes. However, now i feel as if i've dug a big ditch, but am hoping that she cheers up so the ditch turns into a mountain (cornie i know)........hope you can read between the lines and help me out.

-Ditch?"

Oh Ditch...

There is something wrong with this girl. Something really wrong.

Any time any one gives you an unfair, fast ultimatum like she did, run. Run fast in the opposite direction. It's manipulating and conniving. Clearly, it showed no respect for you and no thought to your reasonable hesitations and concerns. It is the kind of thing a mentally-unstable person does.

Any person can be on their best behavior for 2 months. The side of her yous aw was probably a very small part of her. You are right to think you can't know someone that quickly, and you have to live with someone to really know them. And these steps should be made over time.

I'm sorry you got tied up with this. I see that you really liked her, but I can also see that you weren't seeing her completely or clearly. You saw only her best side, exactly as she planned it. She held her shit together enough for 2 months. And why 2 months? Where did she come up with that time-line? Is that the amount of time it usually takes her to lose a guy? If it is then she knows she has to trap you before she shows her real self, because no guy can stay past 2 months.

Everyone has happy moments and down moments. But you're giving me the feeling that this isn't normal. The mood swings you're describing scare me. I'm thinking very big things here like the possibilities of her being bi-polar, clinically depressed, etc. This combined with her forcing a life altering decision on you so quickly really scares me. She wants you to fix her. She is depending on you for her happiness rather than trying to find happiness within herself.

The situation worsens: she knows she can manipulate you now. She knows she doesn't have to even be honest with you or herself about her problems or depressions. She knows all she has to do is demand something and you will do it. So, she has no reason to look inward and want to get well. She can just blame you from now on for every thing that is wrong. In her mind, you have accepted that role.

Honey, I'm not sugar coating this at all because I think it's that serious. She has some serious problems. Whatever things about her may have been nice are so far over-shadowed by that ultimatum that they can't possibly be worth your going through this. And, if you do care about her at all, you will want her to get the mental and emotional help she needs. Being her enabler isn't going to do either of you any good. I promise you if you stay you will regret it. This will only get harder and harder.

You need to get out, Ditch. You need to. For her and for you. If you're living together, you have to go. If you married her, my advice is speak to a lawyer immediately, maybe even consider an annulment. You can give her an ultimatum right back. She needs to enter into serious therapy immediately or you're gone. She needs to admit her ultimatum was wrong, and that you have every reason to second guess this now. But I can almost promise you that she isn't going to work with you, listen to you, or respect your wishes. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear.

Ditch?

Ditch. Definitely.

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