“He does not talk with me anymore!” That is a common expression for many women.

Why do most men not express their feelings is a mystery to women. Women love to know what is in her partner’s mind. The problem is, men were usually very expressive when they were dating and courting. He had to express his feelings when he was in pursuit of a girl. He had no choice but to tell the girl of his love and of his need for her. They would do anything to win over the girl’s heart. How open and romantic he could be!

However, once the courtship is over, when he gets married, the woman is in for a shock of her life. Her romantic man has become a tightly shut clamshell. Prying it open is her new mission in life and it is a most frustrating thing for her. She becomes a pair of pliers! “Is this not over generalization?” you might ask. But at this precise moment there are many women feeling bewildered about their men. Of course there are exceptions. A few men do put most of other men to shame. They will continue to be romantic after marriage, remembering all the birthdays and anniversaries. Their terms of endearments for their darlings may put the curl into many men’s toes, but they are perfectly genuine. Their telephone conversations drip with honey. They buy flowers and expressive gifts at a drop of a hat. They even open the doors for their beloved. Everything they do is ever so sweet and gentle for their wives. This apparently is what most women desires. But most men are not like that! Why? That is what most women would like to know.

Most men have a little small boy image within them. Many continue to be a mama’s boy even to their sixties and seventies. Whether they like it or not, they grew up admiring or loathing their mothers. Some mothers can be abusive and obviously that made some men hate their mothers.  But the norm is that most men love their mum. It is a shocking thing to say, but many men will unconsciously marry someone who reminds them of their mother, including the abusive ones! That is why some wives complain that they are competing against their mother in law.

How do boys behave in front of their mum, especially the strict mums? They usually remain quiet and bashful; never speak until they are spoken to. They try to hide things from their mothers, especially things they do not like their mothers to know. Things that might embarrass or hurt her if she knew.

Most men do not like to hurt their loved ones, especially their wives. Therefore they keep quiet after work. The abuses or the stresses at work are kept within, not to be shared. The more his wife pries, the tighter he clams up; otherwise he is afraid that he might burst out in anger at the wrong person at the wrong time. That is why he clams up rather than letting go of his real feelings for he wants to be in control.

Turmoil from work together with the pressure from their wives’ probing would cause many men to bury their emotions deeper. They will put up huge “no entry” signs into the very deep recess of their being. These unresolved issues will eat into their health and very often men suffer alone. They are like vulnerable small boys.

Most men are gregarious by nature, but deep within each one of them, they are all lone rangers. Have a look at what men do when they gather together. When they go for parties, play poker, have a drink at pubs, enjoy a game of golf, play team or individual sports, how do they interact? They grunt, joke, whack or throw a ball, hide the cards and sometimes get drunk. Even though they may have a good time together, do they actually talk with each other and share with each other their hurts and frustrations? No! They might brag about their achievements or successes, but they seldom share their failures and frustrations. They might talk about politics, economics and sports but they use these conversations to shield their own inadequacies and hurts. He is like The Lone Ranger at heart. He might have a ‘Tonto’ but he does not confide in him. He only rides and communicates with him for the tasks that need to be done. After the mission is accomplished he rides into the sunset alone and maybe hides in his cave until the next call for help comes. .

Is it any wonder men are so vulnerable? It is because he wants to portray a macho image on the outside while he may be a hurting loner inside? Woman, please don’t crowd him out by swarming all over him with too much affections in trying to heal his hurts. The more attention you give him, the deeper he may run into his cave. Ladies, please give them space. Given time, they might just open up to you their vulnerability.

There is a Chinese saying that a man should rather bleed than to cry. The British would put on their stiff upper lips, never to show emotions and have the fortitude to bear pain and setbacks alone. With such cultural baggage, men have to behave like knights in shiny armors, not knowing that their armors are shot full of holes and they are bleeding within. They simply do not know how to cry or ask for help. They dare not show their vulnerability. They need help from other men whom they can trust. He needs to eventually open up to his wife, the woman whom he loves. Start slowly, a little at a time. It helps. 

It has been said that a woman’s daily word usage is 20,000 and a man’s 5,000. By the time he comes home from his office, he has used up his quota. Then the problem began because she has barely started on her quota.  

Why Did he Stopped Calling?