Understanding the Seven Sins of the Modern Society A Funne Guide

The movie Seven with Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman was for many people their first real look at the seven deadly sins. I have read The Secret, some of the bible and have spent many a year people watching from bar stools and sometimes even the bar floor. As I mature (much behind schedule) I realize that people need a guide to live by, some rules to make life easier.Most people say they believe in GOD, yet most can't even name the sins let alone be aware of them. A modern approach therefore must be utilized in order to bring people up to speed and to help them achieve eternal grace.

Sloth

Wrath

Greed

Envy

Pride

Lust

Gluttony

Sloth originally meant to define someone who had no love for GOD but has since be expanded to define someone who is lazy. Examples of sloth in your life may be not cutting the grass, not going to church, not leaving the house for 13 years, or just pissing and moaning about how pathetic your life is. This is my sin for the most part. My grass is high, my house is a mess and I can't wait until I hit the age where wearing a diaper is once again acceptable.

Wrath is what happens when your girlfriend finds a pink fake fingernail embedded in your back after you've been " out with the boys" . It also includes murder, revenge and even suicide. Many of the other sins will contribute to wrath, and as such you should avoid strippers, casinos, the bosses wife, liquor and Dancing With The Stars.

Greed is not making money, it is the deplorable tactics involved that make it a sin. Things like bribery, treason, betrayal, charging $4.00 for a gallon of gas, $125 for cable, and expecting to be paid full price for a couch dance shortened by being vomited on. When people put earthy things above GOD they are greedy, when they give them to me they are divine. Don't confuse greed with wealth, if you are unclear about this send me your money and all will be clear. Donate some of that money. Find a puppy, a kid in a wheelchair or a crackhead and give them some hope.

Envy is an insatiable desire for something someone else has. This is common among the Country clubbers, the soccer moms and the trailer park lifers. Women tend to be envious of other women and often show this when they get together and become " caddy bitches" This often leads to cat fights, larger diamonds and breast implants. With men, envy rears it's head with job promotions, 21 year old girlfriends and distance from the urinal.

Pride is when you hold yourself out to be better than others.It is the original sin and most often leads to the others. We see pride at its worst with celebrities and blog writers. My pride has been humbled by my credit report, waistline and hair loss so I don't even identify with this one anymore.

Gluttony is the over-indulgence or over-consumption of something. Most often attributed to eating too much food, it can also be considered to eat expensive food. In a society where seat belt extensions are as common on an airplane as vomit bags, this is one of the most easily identifiable sins. Shed the pounds and then you will be able to enjoy some pride, lust and greed before being burned in hell.

Why, oh why must this be on the list? Actually lust isn't what we all think. It is actually OK to think dirty thoughts about the lunch lady, it becomes a problem when you get back in line 12 times for beef-a-roni that it becomes obsessive. Lust provokes rape, incest, adultery and my affinity for egg rolls. When you get the urge to send your used underwear to someone you care for, it may be time for an exorcism and a restraining order. For any ladies in the Philadelphia area who may be concerned that they are acting lustful, please contact me for an evaluation and massage.

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