Using Garden Gnomes for Self-Defense
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Garden Gnomes can help your plants grow.
How to deter crime with pointy-hatted statues.
I always thought that garden gnomes were useless. Now I am imagining people carrying them around for protection, instead of using pepper spray or other deterrents. If you see a threatening character you can yell out, "Stay back! -- Don't try anything, I have a garden gnome!" That should send anyone with half a bit of sense scurrying on their way.
Some time ago I read a news item about a grandmother in Wadebridge, England, who was alarmed the sound of an intruder on the roof of her home . "I grabbed the first thing that came to hand — one of my garden gnomes — and hurled it at him, and hit him," she recalled.
The culprit was blind-sided, and as he lay there screaming in pain, the woman went into the house and armed herself with a rolling pin, since she didn't want to damage another gnome. The police were alerted by neighbors and the offender was arrested.
Now I see the logical sense of having garden gnomes protecting your house. Previously I had thought of them as mere whimsical and somewhat tasteless and silly decorations.
It is anticipated that garden gnome defense will have its detractors. and certain groups will protest the right of home and garden users to make such self- defense uses, or any uses outside of hunting and sporting competitions, illegal. This will be an uphill battle, since so many homeowners already have the little pointy-headed figures firmly established in their gardens and have become quite attached to them.
An advocate of the gnome defense has made the usual argument, saying that he never lets his children throw gnomes at each other unless they are supervised by a responsible adult. "Gnomes injuries are extremely rare," said one gnome collector, " mostly they are used for sport, enjoyment or collecting." The historical importance cannot be ignored. His personal collection includes a mooning and tinkling gnome as well as the other more traditionally posed examples.
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Is Gnome Control in our future?
There may be some legislation proposed to make carrying a concealed garden gnome, punishable by law-- but this is a matter of conjecture, since, even with the specially designed holster, they are quite hard to conceal. Of course a certain amount of training would be required for a permit to carry a concealed gnome. For the purpose of developing accuracy in defensive garden gnome tossing, several practice ranges, staffed by gnome safety experts, would have to be set up in various areas.
Some scholars say that early examples of garden gnomes date back to the Old Egyptian Empire, over 4000 years ago . More modern incarnations seems to have spread across Europe starting in 19th century Germany. They are almost always small, bearded and topped with a pointy red cap. The word, oddly enough, comes from the Greek "gnomê" which means intelligence.
In some neighborhoods it can be dangerous to go out at night-- even in your own yard, without having some way to protect yourself. A self defense garden gnome may save your life or the life of a loved one, while severely disabling a burglar.
When traveling away from your own property, it might be wise to carry a gnome in a custom designed garden gnome holster made of ballistic grade ripstop nylon in colors to coordinate with usual gnome outerwear.
So armed, you can feel secure if you meet a mugger, car-jacker, attack dog, or wild animal.
Engineered for quick access, a simple flick of the wrist pops up the gnome holster cover. This exposes the gnome, smiling pleasantly at the attacker. If this sight is not enough to unnerve an assailant proceed to step two.
The user's velcro secured security strap is released by a second flick of the wrist and the gnome falls comfortably into the hands of the user in a natural throwing position.
Gnomes are fully top-weighted, so that the pointy hat aims directly at the attacker. The gnome itself is 100% plaster of paris which shatters pleasingly upon impact sending shards of plaster and choking dust toward the attacker even if a direct hit is not achieved.
A little practice is recommended, if you want to perfect your throwing technique. Use the fully-weighted, unbreakable types in the beginning
Remember, if you're not prepared to defend yourself, you might not have a second chance.
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Comments
That's hilarious. You can also get a farting gnome. A friend at work has one of those. That might scare away potential robbers :)
Rochelle, watch your email. I'm gonna send you a pic of my gnome. Now I know why I don't have tresspassers down on the farm.
Another funny one! I half expected to see that picture I Photoshopped, accompanying this piece. You know the one. But maybe it was for the best; you don't want to scare readers away. :-)
I thought about it, Carl. I'm not sure what the big gnome would say.
I used to be an advocate of gnome weaponry until I got stopped at the airport with my sub-compact gnome in my carry on. The subsequent cavity search showed me the error of my ways. Now I am an advocate for the gnomes themselves. I notice you give remarkably little consideration to how the gnomes feel about being brandished and tossed about. What about them, Rochelle? What about the gnomes? I don't expect you'd like to be flung about for protection. Where's your humanity... or gnomanity?
This is absolutely hilarious!! So well done, Rochelle. I haven't laughed like that in a long time, thank-you.
Thank you Shirley.
And, Shades, the gnomes enjoy it. Now if you want to see gnome abuse, you should see the impaled gnomes -- yes, really there are such things. Such a shame.
Well, to possibility for double entendre is too dangerous, so I will just say, yes, well, as long as they enjoy it, whatever's being done to them, I suppose everything is fine.
Geesh, and I thought gnomes were just handy to arrange in classic battle scenes in defense to the neighbors complaining about "some people who choose to decorate their yards tactlessly." I mean you start out with a couple pink flamingos just for a childish chuckle and the gnomes are soon to follow... the streaking gnome I found on e-bay once I think was the most tactless but who am I to say? Atleast he was wearing a fig leaf under that rain coat...
You should have writen this article under a Gnome-de-plume to protect your identity.
You are right , Glenn,
I will take full blame in my own name.
LOL Glenn. Boooooooooooooo!
(Horrific puns ftw!!! :)
I love puns-- wish I had thought of that one, myself.
I do too. In my early twenties (gasp, I'm about to date myself) I read all the Xanth books by Piers Anthony. If you can't take a pun, those books would kill you within three pages.
One of my favorite puns is: "A bun in the lowest form of wheat."
I myself was the victem of a drive by gnomeing. There I was walking down the street with the sun shinning down from above and I was blissfully unaware of the tragedy that was to befall me. It was only moments later that my world was torn apart and burned assunder. Gnomes streaked through the air crashing all around me. Two rival gangs had started a gnome war and I was caught in the middle of it. Dust every where, pieces crashing all around, and smilling gnomes now fill my dreams at night because of this. I hope you are happy with all of your Gnome owning glory but I for one am against it.
Argo,
If gnomes are owtlawed, only criminals will have gnomes. We need to have our protection even if it results in a little dust. Wear a mask for goodness sake, if you are in gnomegang territory.
I must credit Ellie Tylbor for notifying me about the original gnome-throwing incident that he found online. We both found it rather odd and amusing . . . and it did get us thinking
Gnomegang territory? I stay out of there. That's a real gnome-man's land.
OMYqarsh-- I have raised a couple of pundits --who can both out-pun me.
Excellent and very entertaining and funny article, Rochelle but then I'm used to laughing at all your articles. Gnomes eh? I just might buy one for my balcony. The effect of looking up and seeing a gnome staring down would be interesting.
Write on!
Rochelle,
I have a vacation get away that needed a security system, the answer was simply to procure a gnome. Now the problem with that scenario is that "gnome man is an island", so I found very quickly I had an army of gnome arsenal protecting the place. Thankfully my neighbors who live in the area are really "gnome bodies" so the army fits in quite nicely with the surroundings. My only hope is that gnome control will not make it's way to the political arena.. if it does, I am a goner.
HA. This hub is a hoot. Thanks for the laughs
I laughed for like, 10 minutes after reading this hub. Thanks for brightening up my day :D
I was reading some discussion pages of a 2nd ammendment group's website (right2bearGnomes.com) and in their gnomenclature they talk about how carrying a concealed gnome is not only an American right, it's a duty. They were saying that to die without the means to defend yourself is a ignomeinious way to go. I agree with them, and I think Agro Donkey, in that neighborhood for sure, you should rethink your position.
ohmygod shadesbreath YOU ARE A BREATH of fresh air. LOL I needed this at this moment hahahaha
hub is sooo good. LOL
Shadesbreath SHOULD have written this hub himself-- but I'll still take credit. Thanks.
From the fecund soil of your genius comes what sprouts may grow.
It is true, my grandmother had them everywhere like land mines. If you tried to sneak through her yard at night you were definitely going to trip on one and fall on another at which time one or both would explode into a million razor sharp pieces of ceramic shards, slicing you up and alerting my grandmother.
I lived with my grandmother in my early teens and it was common knowledge among my friend to watch out for the gnomes.
I used to torture my little brother by putting them around his bead while he was sleeping. Or the best was standing one single gnome in the hallway at night halfway between his room and the bathroom. Oh yeah.
You must have meant, "a bun IS the lowest form of wheat", right?
Right.
This was hilarious!! I really needed a good chuckle today. And some of the comments kept me in stitches. Thank you!
I think that garden gnomes must be the origin of many people's irrational fear of circus clowns. Gnomes are just small circus clowns to me.
Clowns are worse and bigger.
True, I know as a kid watching an old episode of BOZO the clown show (?).... the one thing that REALLY scared me was when Bozo called some kid out of the audience to be in a magic trick... and then Bozo turned the kid into a CHICKEN!!!! and I never saw him turn the chicken back into a kid! that really had me worried.
Is that why you wouldn't eat chicken?
Gnome one here but us chickens.
(to get the comments back on topic)
Oh my,,,,,I don't know if I can take all this laughing! This one is priceless Rochelle.
Garry, I'm glad you weren't my brother LOL
ALL of you commenters are great! This is just too too funny.
I'm going to my garden center now to purchase gnomes :)
Trish
Hilarious post, Rochelle. I just read mariesue's post on Do You Suffer From Hippopotomonstrosesqippedaliophobia?
and out of interest researched a bit to see if there was such a condition as an irrational fear of garden gnomes (some do look a bit creepy, don't you think?). Sure enough there is such a condition (not officially recognized as yet) and it is called gnomophobia!
When citizens begin to arm themselves with gnomes, there is going to be a lot more gnomofobia amon potention perpetrators.
Let me try that again . . . gnomophobia among potential perpetrators.
now you`re scaring me!
Gnomes can be deceptively scary, especially the smiling ones.
OH MY! Gnomemania runs wild ... tooo funny ... and I thought the article I posted on using a BBQ grill as a weapon was funny .... LOL!
Great writing!
Denise
Thanks Denise,
This one has been up for awhile-- but it is one of my favorites. I'll go take a look at your grill suggestions. One can never have too much protection.
Very nice and funny.
Thanks, rdelp.
Do you have any gnomes? Perhaps your dogs are more effective-- and you don't have to toss them. :-)
Rochelle! This hub is a hoot. After reading this I would never admit to having any Gnomes in my garden.
Loved the hub regards Zsuzsy
Zsuzsy Bee-- Thanks, but don't be ashamed. We have a right to protect ourselves with gnomes.
Oh-- are you Canadian?
Right on eh! I now live in the south west part of Ontario, Canada the best place in the whole wide world.zs
I don't now if gnomes are legal in Canada. You might need to check local ordinances.
So funny! Especially all the gnome holster details. I'd hate to have to explain carrying a concealed gnome -- still having warm weather here and the bulge would be too tell-tale in my usual shorts and T-shirt.... Maybe I'll take a gnome on my next camping trip. Keep up the good work!
A gnomish tale of horrific miniature ghoulish figures suitably appropriate as subject of discussion on this year's halloween attire! I believe this shall indeed make a most amusing costume choice for the season!! Thanks for the ideas spinning devilishly through my mind, i shall troupe elaborately adorned as a most amusingly devilish gnome !! OHHHH what fun!
Hikeguy-- just tell people it is a colostomy bag. that, in itself, could be enough to keep people away. And yes, you may need a concealed gnome permit--depending upon regulations in your area. Thanks for the comment.
netrageouz -- thanks to you too, I never dreamed I could inspire devilish thoughts.
Now that I live in a camper, maybe I should get some gnomads. Put them on the roof. Tie them to the antenna. We could go out west, and sing "Oh give me a gnome, where the buffalo roam, and the deer and the cantaloup play." I always liked that song.
Gnomads would be PERfect for campers. And I think Beer goes well with cantaloupe and most other things.
I'm happy to report that the blog "Gnutty for Gnomes" has referenced this hub in relation to getting a concealed gnome permit.
Genius. I have been writing hubs about the goings-on in back yards for quite some time. How gratifying to learn that other journalists back me up.
Thank you, nicomp. Your gnome looks deceptively benign, but I'll be he could pack quite a punch.
I've just recently heard a testimonial on these garden gnomes. A guy scared off 7 thugs after he used one of these bad boys from his yard.
Self-defense costs: a gnome
Cost to protect your household from 7 children looking for their chain: priceless
Innocent and invisible to any criminals strategy, but dangerous and effective to the same idiot. I like.
I think the story was inspired by a "news of the wierd" report. It did fit the category-- but I saw it as an opportunity for more wierdness.
Buying a gnome
- Garden Gnomes-Traditional Gnomes, College Gnomes, and Unique Gifts
A selection of garden gnomes you can buy.
Your customized gnome.
- How To Pick The Right Garden Gnome
Garden Gnomes have a special place in my heart. I love them for so many reasons and enjoy sharing them with the world.
Garden Gnomes in the News
- Edgewood resident missing her garden gnomesThe Darien Times2 days ago
Sharon Bixler, of 24 Edgewood Road, went from being the proud owner of six antique garden gnomes to being the victim of a senseless act in just a few days.
- Police ReportsDarien News-Review27 hours ago
Five garden gnomes, valued at $75 each, were reported stolen from the front lawn of a residence on Edgewood Road at noon on Monday, Nov. 16, according to Darien Police. The gnomes had last been seen in their usual place at 3 p.m. the day before.
- Family CalendarThe Lisle Sun1 second ago
MUSEUMS
rmr says:
17 months ago
You may be on to something, here. My wife says these little guys give her the "creeps". She can't even watch the tv commercial featuring a garden gnome. I am considering taking one on my next camping trip, in case of bear attack. Thanks for the tip!