The study of the girls of Uttaranchal of India has led to a shocking revelation that will be hotly debated in scientific circles for years to come. It is now believed, by the laboratory evidence compiled by Dr. Hiram Vaginar that "sex is nothing more than an optical illusion, concocted on the part of Mother Nature to fool people into believing they are engaging in act of mating, when in fact, they are doing nothing of the kind.

In India there are a number of ongoing studies of girls into many aspects of their biological makeup and chemical attributes in an effort to understand why they are so sexy and compelling to men. Dr. Vaginar is at the forefront of many of these studies, working from his underground laboratory somewhere beneath Delhi, the exact location of which is kept secret to avoid the 'peeping-tom' phenomenon.

"In my most recent work," said the scientist, with degrees from Harvard,M.I.T. and the Madame Tussuad Wax Museum in Niagara Falls, " I have been able to subject pretty Uttaranchal girls to such things as lasers with which I not only remove their body hair for them (this is just a happy bonus I throw in to pay them for their time) but also calculate the degree to which they can bounce rays of light back at the observer and produce an optical illusion such that the observer finds himself believing he is having sex with them...when in reality the girl may be off shopping at Macy's or home playing with her Shiatsu and no-place near the man who is having such a good time with her.

Further, my studies have led me to believe that all sexual activity between men and women is such an optical illusion, produced not only by the woman's ability to project herself into the imagination of the man, but also men have optical sensors in the back of the eye, which captures these signals and turns them into the act of sexual fulfillment.

"We have yet to explain pregnancy and birth with Uttaranchal girls by this theory, however, and that will involve introducing 'string theory' into my calculations, "said Dr. Vaginar.

At this point I can only say that babies may be nothing more than particles and light waves with diaper rash."